


You Look Happier

by septiceyesweetheart



Category: CrankGameplays - Fandom, jacksepticeye, markiplier - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Eventual Smut, F/M, Platonic Relationships, Romantic Angst, Romantic Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-10-03
Packaged: 2018-11-15 10:44:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 47,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11229309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/septiceyesweetheart/pseuds/septiceyesweetheart
Summary: She couldn’t even fathom the idea of being someone without any mental health problems. Bella Santiago, a person without anxiety? Not realistic. Bella getting her shit together and trying to live with the pain life has given her? Unheard of. Letting go of the past? Don’t know her. Bella falling carelessly in love with a person who genuinely feels the same way and also cares about her well-being? Not possible… except it actually is.





	1. Chapter 1

I could still feel the loud bass pumping along with my heartbeat. It wasn’t there, I could just feel the memory of it. What I could actually feel was the hard surface I was lying facedown on. I also felt something wet on my face. It smelled, too.

 

When I realized it was my own vomit, I picked my head up immediately. My eyes squinted at the harsh sunlight, and my head was pounding. I pushed myself up and away from my pool of sick. I was barefoot, and I was cold. I hugged myself, shivering. My wallet and phone were gone as well. It was just me and the clothes on my back.

 

I was in an alley, hopefully still in LA. I couldn’t remember how the hell I got here, and I didn’t really care. I didn’t feel anxiety sinking into my veins. Figured it was best to get home.

 

Thankfully, I was in a part of town I recognized. I knew the way back to my apartment, but it was a long walk. Whatever, maybe I would mysteriously die along the way. Now that I was awake, nauseous and without any distraction but my own thoughts, I realized I missed being unconscious. I wasn’t worrying about anything, and all the bad stuff had gone away for a while. Maybe once I found Sophie and Aria, we could do it again.

 

I got back to my apartment sometime later. I had a small flashback of leaving here with the two girls. Thanks for ditching me, guys. Then again, they weren’t babysitting me, they just wanted to have fun. Shaking the thought, I reached for the doorknob and was surprised to find it unlocked.

 

The small pang of fear was the only emotion I felt when I walked inside, aside from the apathy. My keys were probably stolen and now I was walking into a robbery. Cool.

 

Then, everything felt like it was going in slow motion. I didn’t even process a body colliding into mine, until I realized it was  _ Jack,  _ and even then I didn’t react. I just stood there, confused, as he hugged me tight. He was saying something to me, but I couldn’t hear anything.

 

He wasn’t alone, either. Mark came up right behind Jack, hugging me as well once I was free. Again, I didn’t really react, even when I saw Ethan’s face, along with Sophie and Aria.  _ What? _

 

“Guys, give her space,”  said Jack, but it sounded muffled and far away.

 

I felt weird. My body felt out of place. Something was going on inside. Something was very, very wrong.

 

“Bella? Say something.”

 

That was when I ran to the kitchen sink and threw up. Someone came up behind me and held my hair back, despite that it was probably caked up in my puke from earlier. Usually, I’d be mortified, but instead I was just aware of my lack of emotion.

 

As soon as it was all out of my system, things felt a little more clear. I mean, I couldn’t remember where I had gone, or if Jack was even here when I left. But my mind felt a little less foggy. Still no emotion, though.

 

“What day is it?” I asked honestly.

 

“January second,” said Jack, who had been holding my hair back. I noticed everyone else had gone from the scene. “You were gone for two days. I came back as soon as Sophie told me you were missing. Where the fuck were you?”

 

Why would he come back? I was fine. I was alive. I didn’t need him to babysit me. I didn’t need his help.

 

“It doesn’t matter, I’m fine,” I said, pushing past him and making my way to my room.

 

The other four were in the living room. Mark was standing, while Ethan, Sophie, and Aria were on the couch. They all watched me. I knew I looked like a mess, but the mood felt really stern and serious. Mark was giving me a hard look. Sophie looked guilty. Aria was giving me pity. Ethan just looked sad. I turned to Jack, who was going over to join them. I also saw my wallet and phone on the table, so that was one less thing to worry about.

 

“Why are you all here?” I asked.

 

“You have no idea how worried we’ve been,” Jack began.

 

“Worry doesn’t even begin to cover it,” Mark added. “Bella, we were about to call the police. What the hell happened? Where did you go?”

 

“I went out for New Year’s,” I replied softly.

 

“She was with us,” Aria explained. “Me, Bella, and Sophie got together. We pregamed a little too hard before leaving because I don’t even remember where we went. But I know you left your phone and wallet with me because I had the biggest purse.”

 

“And then I said I would take you home,” Sophie continued. “It was already late, and Aria left before us. You were really keen on partying til the sun came up. You got lost, I’m so sorry.”

 

“The next morning - or yesterday, I came here to return your stuff, but you weren’t here. I asked Sophie if you had stayed with her, and when she said no, we called Jack.”

 

Some of it felt familiar. I did remember the two of them coming over. Things got more and more blurry with every drink I had. There was a lot of grinding on strangers in a club, which now made me want to be sick again. Apparently, Sophie was responsible for making sure I got home okay.

 

“Wouldn’t be the first time you let me down,” I spat, glaring at the blonde.

 

“Oh, cut the crap!” Mark snapped, stepping forward. “You were gone for two days! You went out, reckless and drunk! Do you know how damn lucky you are to be alive?”

 

No one said anything. He was right: I never did things like this. I wasn’t in my right mind. Before I could start sobbing right there, I turned and went into my room.

 

“Bella!” Mark called.

 

“Let her go,” Jack told him.

 

Tearing up, I went into the bathroom and stripped off my worn out clubbing clothes. I had lost my bra somewhere along in the last couple of days as well. Why did I do this? Why was I like this? I took a shower, getting rid of the gunk in my hair. I couldn’t stop myself from sobbing loudly.I crouched down, doubled over by the sudden wave of regret and despair.

 

When that subsided, I got dressed in more comfortable clothes, ready to go to bed. But when I got out of the bathroom, I found Jack sitting on my bed. This wasn’t over, apparently.

 

“Are they still here?” I asked.

 

“Yes,” he told me. “We’re all worried.”

 

“Well, stop. It was one night.”

 

Jack hesitated. “It was two, actually. Sophie told me you hadn’t come home, so I called Mark and Ethan to see if they had heard from you. What was I supposed to do? Wait for you to turn up dead?”

 

That hit a nerve. “Maybe it would have been better that way!”

 

“Don’t say-”

 

“Did you know I went out as a distraction?” I laughed spitefully. “I was getting suicidal again! So I went out and had fun to take my mind off of it! I’m sorry I was trying to keep myself alive!”

 

“Why don’t you tell me these things?” Jack raised his voice slightly. “Why don’t you tell anyone anything? Are you happy this way?”

 

“No, but-”

 

“Then why do you insist on making yourself miserable? Why do you feel the need to self-destruct instead of just talking about it?”

 

_ “You know why!”  _ I yelled.

 

Jack was stunned into silence. He looked at me for a second, and then he turned on his heel, harshly opened the door, and walked out of my room.

 

I couldn’t let my tone of words sink in for too long, because Sophie entered the room. She gently shut the door and leaned back against it.

 

“I know I’m the last person you want to see,” she started.

 

“Then why are you here?” I asked in response, my blood boiling.

 

“Just listen to me,” she firmly said. Then she paused. “I had no idea it was this bad. I didn’t know you tried to… end your life. But I know you’re better than this, and you’re worth more than this. And I’m so sorry I’ve been a terrible friend, but I promise that I’ll be here for you. Just tell me to shut up and I will gladly listen to you and help you through all of this.”

 

My arms were folded and I refused to look at her. Why would I believe her? Why should I do this?

 

“It sounds like you’re doing this for your benefit,” I said. “So that way, if I do kill myself, you won’t feel guilty for not doing anything. Whatever helps you sleep at night, I guess.”

 

“Don’t say that,” she softly said. Clearly that hit home for her. “I’m here because I’ve known you for almost two years and I realize you never wanted to open up-”

 

“Because everything is always about you. Didn’t seem like you cared. I know you probably didn’t want to take me home the other night, and I didn’t expect you to. I swear, the only other person you care about is Aria. And that’s fine. You don’t have to be here if you don’t want to.”

 

Sophie remained quiet. I heard her sniff before the door opened again. “I do care,” she whispered before leaving.

 

I crawled into bed after that. Tears were filling my eyes again, staining my pillow. I wanted to stay under the covers, but the sound of my door closing made me sit up again.

 

This time, it was Aria. “I know how you feel.”

 

Here we fucking go. Let’s see what bullshit she spews out.

 

“When I broke up with my boyfriend, I lost myself completely,” she went on, sitting at the foot of my bed. “I shut out Sophie, my roommate, and my other friends. I… I slept with other people and went off the radar for days at a time. Hell, I failed all but one of my classes last year. It took a lot of time, but I feel like myself again. It’ll be the same for you.”

 

I looked at her in disbelief. “Are your parents in your life?”

 

Aria gave me a confused look, but she nodded.

 

“Have you ever lived in your car because none of your family member wanted to take you in?” I asked her.

 

She shook her head. “What does this-”

 

“Did you try to kill yourself after a breakup?”

 

“No. Bella, I-”

 

“Then you don’t know how I feel,” I snapped. “It’s not about the breakup. It’s the fact that I’m so unstable that something so small in the grand scheme of things has the ability to destroy me. The smallest thing going wrong will make me collapse. Okay, yeah, you slutted it up and got depressed after your breakup! That’s considered normal! Fuck, I wish I could be like that! I wish I could be slut!”

 

Aria stood up, looking hurt. “You don’t get to act like this because bad things have happened to you. And you don’t have to stay fragile. There will be a part of you that will always be broken because of what life has given to you. But you have the ability to bounce back, too.”

 

And she left. Only two people remained that hadn’t talked to me yet. I wasn’t going to budge. I wasn’t capable of being fixed. They didn’t deserve to deal with me.

 

I was crying again when Ethan came in. His presence was the most confusing. What business did he have being here? I was a mess, I wasn’t pretty or mysterious or anything he could possibly want. Why would he be here?

 

“Hey, Bella,” he greeted as he closed the door.

 

I quickly wiped at my eyes, refusing to look at him. What could I possibly say to him?

 

“As soon as Jack called me, I didn’t know what to think,” he said.

 

Good to know.

 

He stood there, looking around my room. Then he took a step forward. “You know we just want you to be happy. Please… just listen to us. Or, listen to me. Just one person.”

 

The tone of his voice made me cry again. He sounded so gentle and soft, like he was sad that this was happening.

 

“I want you to be happy,” he said. “I want you to want happiness. Trust me, it’s not always going to be like this. The only thing you can do from here is try to build yourself up. And we’re all here to help you. I’m here for you, because I care about you.”

 

It hurt more hearing it from him. He was seeing me as I was, my true self. A horrible, disturbing, hopeless case. I couldn’t be happy, it would only get taken away from me. I wasn’t meant to be happy.

 

“Bella, it’s okay.” Ethan came over and sat next to me. He placed his hand on my arm as I cried, another surprising gesture. Why wasn’t he repulsed? Why wasn’t he sick of me? Clearly, I wasn’t in any shape or form to date him anymore. Why wasn’t he moving on?

 

“You don’t have to be here,” I told him, trying to compose myself.

 

“I want to,” he reassured, now holding my hand. “I’m here for you, and I’m not leaving until I know you’re going to get some help.”

 

“I’m already seeing a shrink, what more do you want?” I snapped, raising my voice. I yanked my hand away from his and got out of bed. Suddenly, I had a need to get away from him. He was suffocating.

 

“Talk to me! Trust me!” he replied in a similar tone. He got to his feet as well, stepping towards me. “Or talk to Jack or Mark or anyone else who’s here! Please, we just want you to be happy! I want you to be happy! Just let me help you…”

 

I stepped back, leaning against the wall by the closet. “I don’t want you here! You deserve better than this! Why are you here?”

 

Ethan only stepped closer, and I only shook my head in disbelief. My sobs muffled into his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around me. Why was he doing this? He was worth more than the exhaustion of trying to fix something that was broken. He deserved someone who wouldn’t fight with him over happiness. He deserved someone who would love him without question.

 

“I know,” he said gently, placing his hand on the back of my head. “I know it’s hard.”

 

I gave in and threw my arms around his middle, sobbing even harder. My whole body was shaking, but he was keeping me on my feet. I was absolutely mortified that he was the one having to deal with this, but the crying wouldn’t stop. I just wanted to hold onto him as I cried.

 

If he was going to stay, was this how it would be? Would I just cry and cry, and he would just hold me…? Would I remain broken while he went off to do great things?

 

When my tears subsided, I leaned back, looking down. I couldn’t look at him. I could never look him in the eye again. That was when Mark entered the room. Not this again, I was tired enough as it is. He gestured for us to come out to the living room.

 

“No!” I cried shakily. “I don’t want to do this anymore! I don’t want this!”

 

“You just have to listen,” Ethan told me, placing his hand on the small of my back. “Please… please, Bella.”

 

“Or would you rather we all come in here?” Mark offered, his voice stern.

 

I sighed irritably and dragged my feet out of the room with the two guys in tow. Jack, Aria, and Sophie were sat on the couch. I noticed red eyes and used tissues, and it broke my heart. They were upset because of me, they all were. I caused this whole mess. When will it end? When will I stop being like this?

 

“I called your therapist,” Jack said. “You and I are going tomorrow.”

 

“Why?” I asked.

 

“Because you can’t keep doing this. You’re obviously not happy living like this, and I can’t leave you by yourself,” he explained.

 

I rolled my eyes, angry all over again. “Oh my god, it’s not like I tried to kill myself!”

 

“But you’re reckless,” Mark added. “Yes, you only went out once, but we’re catching this before it spins even more out of control.”

 

“Well, I’ve already lost control, so…”

 

“It doesn’t mean you have to stay like that,” Jack said firmly. “You’re allowed to feel what you do, you’re allowed to have emotions. But you can’t mope around and feel sorry for yourself anymore. You’re worth more than this, and I want you to be able to trust me, or at least any of us here.”

 

“I trust  _ you,”  _ I said.

 

“Then why didn’t you tell me you were feeling like this again?” Jack sounded more upset than caring. “Why did you tell me you were okay when you weren’t?”

 

“You have to break this cycle,” Mark added when I remained silent. “You need to learn to trust again. Everything that happened to you is in the past. You have people here who want to help you, none of us want to hurt you.”

 

“But you did,” I said back.

 

It was dead silent until Aria said, “That’s not the point here. Every person in this room cares about you in some way. You’ll be okay. Please don’t just sit there and do nothing.”

 

“You didn’t die,” Jack went on. “You tried to kill yourself before, and it failed for a reason. You’re meant to be here. I know you had other intentions when you went out, but you need to understand how much danger you put yourself in. And again, you’re obviously not happy.”

 

I didn’t know what to say anymore. I felt like I was being cornered. He wasn’t wrong, though. I wasn’t happy, but I didn’t know how to change it. I didn’t know how to be fearlessly happy. I didn’t know how to live any other way. After everything that’s happened in my life, I couldn’t just pretend like none of it ever happened. I couldn’t  _ not  _ be unhappy.


	2. Chapter 2

I hadn’t been so nervous for therapy in such a long time. I was sat next to Jack in Helena’s waiting room, anxiously biting my nails. There were things I hadn’t told him. I mean, the main things were the anxiety, the depression, the family situation, the suicidal thoughts and tendencies, and the breakup. Jack knew the gist of all of these, but he didn’t know the details. That’s what was scary about him being here; He was going to _know._

 

Helena came out of her office and let us in. I properly introduced her to Jack once we were in there. My heart was ready to pound out of my chest.

 

“So what brings you both here today?” she asked, sitting across from us in her desk chair.

 

My eyes stayed focused on the little coffee table between us. I was still biting my nails, and now I was tapping my leg as well.

 

“Bella had a little too much fun on New Year’s,” Jack began. “She went out and partied, and ended up missing for two days.”

 

“Missing?” Helena repeated. “How did you find her? Did you call the police?”

 

“We were about to,” Jack continued. “She came home right before we did.” Then he explained the intervention, and the memory made me cringe internally.

 

I felt my therapist’s wise, old eyes trail over to me. My nails were burning. “What were you doing during those two days, Bella?”

 

I had already told this to Jack, so I could say it again. “Partying, I assume. I kind of blacked out from all the drinking. But, um, I went out because I was suicidal, and I wanted to distract myself from it.”

 

“You went way over the line, though,” Jack added. “I get why you did it, but… you’re Bella. Since when do you do anything reckless?”

 

“Recklessness can be shown in different ways,” Helena told him. “Clearly, this was so out of character for her that you had to step in. Now Jack, how did you feel when Bella hadn’t come home?”

 

He paused, sitting back. “I mean, I was out of the country when she left. A friend of ours called me on New Year’s Day, telling me that Bella went out and never came back. So I got on the first flight back here to see what was going on. I was… absolutely terrified. I started to feel guilty, because I left her by herself, and I thought… I thought when she was found, she was going to be dead. And it was going to be my fault, because I believed her when she said she was okay. And then, I was just wondering…” He looked at me, his eyes glossed over with tears. “Why didn’t you just talk to me?”

 

That’s where it all got stuck in my throat. I didn’t like expressing these things out loud or directly. It felt like I wouldn’t be able to handle the reality of it. To talk about it means having to feel it.

 

“I didn’t want to bother you,” I said quietly.

 

“Bella…” He sounded so disappointed.

 

It was silent, except for the sound of Helena’s pen scribbling on her clipboard. Everything stuck in my throat was on the verge of spilling out. I was picking at my already aching nails, and tears were welling up in my eyes. This was intense. I knew I had every right to ask to Jack to leave the room so I could properly talk to Helena, but it would defeat the purpose of him being here.

 

“Does that come from Mark not having enough time for you in the past?” Helena gently asked. “You felt as though you couldn’t go to him because…?”

 

I knew she trailed off so I could finish that sentence, and therefore admit why it was so hard for me to talk about anything these days. They both knew why, I had talked about it previously.

 

However, I sighed and gave in. “He was always so busy and I didn’t want to interrupt him. And I figured, if my own boyfriend didn’t want to listen to me or be around me, then why should I bother at all?”

 

“I’m not Mark, though,” Jack said. “I wouldn’t brush you off like that, especially in your time of need. You’re the only friend I have right now. I don’t talk to Mark as often as I used to, and I only talked to some people because I saw them four or five times a week at school. And… things didn’t work out with Signe, so you’re the only constant I have right now, and I feel like I’m losing you!”

 

“I’m sorry,” I told him, feeling even worse.

 

“It’s just that… we live together,” he went on. “We do just about everything together. I’ve seen you at such a low point, you’ve seen me at my worst, and you’ve told me things that were probably very hard for you to share. You’ve told me everything about you and Ethan so far… You said that I’m your best friend, and that you trust me. Then, it all stopped. You stopped talking to me, and you pushed me to go to Ireland for the holidays. Like you were trying to get rid of me.”

 

“It’s not you.” I hesitated. “It’s everything. Every bad thing that has ever happened. Those bad things gave me my anxiety and my depression, and it’s taken away all the good. I can’t have anything normal, I can’t try to be happy because the things in my head don’t let me.”

 

“What things?” Helena asked.

 

“I have an idea,” Jack answered, but he was looking at me. “Those bad things are not happening anymore. It’s all in the past, and not everything is out to get you. This is now, and you’re trying to fight the things in your head. It means that even a small part of you believes that you can have good things. You do have a shot at this.”

 

_The bad things aren’t happening anymore._ It’s true, but it still hurts. It’s still with me, and it always will be.

 

~

 

Things felt weird. I felt open and exposed around Jack. I hadn’t had someone go to therapy with me since Mark. Ever since him, I had been trying to do things alone, but that resulted in intensifying my trust issues. I wasn’t sure how to open up to Jack anymore, and it used to come so easily to me.

 

I wasn’t allowed to stay by myself when I was at home. Helena strongly suggested that I stay monitored over time. I wasn’t flat out suicidal, but I had to admit that I was getting reckless. Since Jack was the only person who was around me often, I had to stick with him.

 

Usually during this time of year, YouTube University was closed until the spring semester began. But since a lot of creators were using their dorms as offices, only the dormitories remained open. I say that because Jack dragged me along to his office when he had to start recording again. My little meltdown just happened to fall perfectly in his schedule, so he hadn’t missed any recording days while he was babysitting my ass.

 

The lobby of the boys’ dorms was rather… luxurious. Velvet couches, a snack bar, plenty of space for a party. I didn’t gaze around for too long, though, because there were people walking around, and I’m Bella. I kept my head down and followed Jack into the elevator.

 

“You sure I won’t be in the way?” I asked nervously.

 

“Positive,” he reassured.

 

We reached the third floor. I felt weird, being in the dorms for the first time. I found myself grinding my teeth as I followed Jack to his office, and I was tightly clutching the straps on my backpack.

 

The walls were covered in black acoustic foam. The standing desk, monitors and lights were in front of the window. There were also empty boxes and other things scattered around the floor. I noticed the door to the bathroom was open, and through the mirror, I could see into the next room. My stomach dropped.

 

“You share a bathroom with someone?” I asked.

 

“Nah, it’s just me in here,” Jack said. “That other room is where I sleep when I spent nights here. You can go wait in there if you want.”

 

I was relieved. “Alright.”

 

I stepped into the next room, finding that it was cleaner than his recording space. He hadn’t been in here since maybe December, which was when he last recorded in bulk. I sat on the bed, took off my backpack, and pulled out my laptop. I didn’t exactly feel relaxed, though. This wasn’t a familiar setting.

 

After a while, it started to feel like the time when Jack first moved in with me. When I was sat in my room, listening to him scream into the camera. It eventually grew to be endearing, and I realized how much I missed hearing Jack enthusiastically play a game and go off on thoughtful tangents.

 

Why didn’t I trust him anymore? I was so quick to confide in him in the past. Was it because of Mark? I couldn’t think of any other time where I didn’t trust Jack before the breakup. Why did it have to be him, though? He didn’t have anything to do with my breakup. In fact, he’s been my biggest supporter through all of this.

 

My phone distracted me from my thoughts yet again. I sighed and hesitantly picked it up. My heart began to race when I saw the text from Ethan. I hadn’t seen him since the intervention at my apartment, and I had planned on avoiding him. He’s the one who won’t go away, I suppose.

 

_“What are you up to?”_

 

Being babysat by my best friend. Fun times.

 

_“Searching for the dankest of memes. Pretty busy tbh,”_ I responded. I inhaled deeply before sending it.

 

Now that a conversation had been initiated, I felt myself getting anxious and restless. I sat up criss-crossed on the bed and scrolled urgently on my laptop. My eyes darted to  my phone every few seconds, and the more time went by, the higher my anxiety went. This was why I never tried being funny, I just ended up getting ignored!

 

Jack had finished his first video sometime later, and that only made me realize how much time had passed without receiving a response from Ethan. I was sure he remembered what a mess I was and decided to abandon me. That had to be the only reason.

 

Or… was I just overreacting? Oh no, did I have to get a second opinion?

 

I chewed on my nails and looked at the bathroom door. Jack hadn’t started his next video yet, judging by his silence. I wouldn’t be interrupting him if I decided to talk to him about this. But it was over a stupid text message, was it really worth making a fuss over it? At the same time, Jack wanted me to trust him again, and this was an opportunity for that to happen.

 

But over a text? That’s so dumb!

 

Before I knew it, I was scrolling on my laptop so quickly that I wasn’t seeing anything. My thoughts had plagued me so much that I couldn’t focus on anything else. I felt myself get up and go to the door, but I stopped before I could put my hand on the knob. I rehearsed what I would say to Jack.”I know this is dumb, but Ethan texted me…” “Hey, so you said I could talk to you about anything, right? Well, get ready for a dumb story!” “Sorry, I know you’re busy, but-”

 

_Ding!_

 

I turned on my heel, taking in a deep breath like I had been drowning. I rapidly leaped onto the bed and grabbed my phone, my heart pounding at the new text. It was relieving but also nervewracking.

 

_“Oh dank bruh. Got time in that busy schedule to go to The Tube with me?”_

 

My eyes widened. I couldn’t even make a joke out of this. _“Omg really?? Like, just the two of us??”_

 

_“Yeah if you want!”_

 

I grabbed the pillow behind me, buried my face in it, and squealed.

 

“You okay, Baller?” Jack called from the other room.

 

The fuzzy feeling was kicked away by anxiety yet again. This wasn’t a dumb thing to talk about, was it?

 

~

 

Ethan offered to pick me up in the evening, to which I denied. I made up an excuse about taking too long to get ready, so I would pick him up. Thankfully, he wasn’t persistent.

 

“Wait, why don’t you want him to drive?” asked Jack, who I had told the whole thing to. He was leaning against my bathroom doorway, drinking a beer.

 

“It’s the nerves,” I said, trying to hide my shaking hands by messing with my loose curls. “Driving is weirdly calming.”

 

Jack chuckled. “Driving in LA traffic is calming?”

 

“Forces me to focus.” And it gave me the control I was desperately craving in life, according to Helena. I also got panic attacks when someone else was driving. The only person I could let drive was Mark, but he wasn’t here anymore.

 

“I can see that.” Jack took a sip of his beer.

 

The gesture reminded me of the next thing we had to go over in therapy: My relationship with alcohol. I had a small urge to sneak my glittery flask over to The Tube, but it was also for that exact reason I wanted to drive. It was also why I never left the house either. Plus,  this was Ethan I was going out with, and I didn’t want to make the same mistakes I made in my last relationship.

 

“Oh, look at you!” Jack exclaimed when I was ready. “You’re going on a date!” He bounced on his feet, smiling wide.

 

“Let’s hope my brain doesn’t fuck me over,” I replied, walking out of the bathroom to go to my full body mirror.

 

“Hey, even if it does,” Jack said, “you’ve got Ethan with you, and he’ll take good care of you. Trust him.”

 

I nodded, looking at my reflection. I looked like I was going to a funeral, but it was the only way I knew how to dress. I also noticed how much of my roots had grown out, and how orange the pink ends of my hair looked.

 

“Remind me to dye my hair tomorrow,” I said, poking around at the top of my head.

 

“Are you blonde?” he asked.

 

I scoffed. “No. I’m a brunette, but no one needs to know that. Well… too late, I guess. I’ve never gone this long without dyeing my hair, but…” I shrugged, trying not to hyperfocus on it, or the fact that Ethan might notice it.

 

“Well, you look beautiful no matter what,” Jack reassured. “You better have a good time or else I’ll kick your ass!”

 

Those words did help a little bit. I also reminded myself that this wasn’t the first time I was out alone with Ethan. He also knew about my anxiety issues ahead of time, and he still wanted to go out with me. That had to be a good thing, right?

 

I left the apartment, telling myself these things over and over again. Ethan had texted me directions to his apartment, but he also told me to park someways down the street. I could only assume that he didn’t want Tyler to see who he was going off with. Honestly, I wouldn’t want anyone seeing us out together either. Tyler, being the long-time loyal friend, would definitely tell Mark.

 

It’s exactly what Ethan told me when he finally got in the car.

 

“Sorry for making you wait all the way over here,” he told me. “I just… I didn’t know what to tell Tyler.”

 

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it,” I replied. “I’m assuming neither of us want this getting back to Mark.”

 

Ethan hesitated. “Right. I feel bad about it, but he didn’t like the idea of us just being friends. Imagine if he saw this...”

 

That definitely implied that we weren’t just friends. It also confirmed that this was definitely a date. It added nicer butterflies to the ball of nerves in my stomach.

 

I drove off down the road, trying to ignore the nerves… Well, the bad ones, anyway. I focused on the road and the music I had chosen for the ride.

 

“Have you been to The Tube before?” Ethan asked after a while.

 

“Twice,” I replied. I didn’t want to get into detail about those times, though. “It’s alright.”

 

“I went once with my friends Kathryn and Amy,” he said. “It was pretty good.”

 

Should I mention that that place gave me anxiety so intense that I had to drink in order to cope with it? Should I mention that the closer we got to the freaking diner, the higher my anxiety went? Also, Ethan mentioning Amy didn’t make it any better. I didn’t particularly like that he was friends with her. I found myself tightening my grip on the steering wheel.

 

Once we got there and I parked the car, I didn’t move from my seat. I turned off the ignition, but stayed staring ahead with one hand on the wheel. Normally, I was good at concealing my anxiety the way I would conceal my dark under-eye circles. But this time, it was sheer coverage, and it caught Ethan’s attention.

 

“You okay?”

 

So much for having a nice time.

 

I sighed. “I’m so sorry, I should have said this sooner. I - uh, The Tube, uh… that place… um, I’ve had panic attacks there - or, one - and, it just - it scares me, that’s all. I’m sorry, I should have said that from the start. _Es que, solo quería -_ when you asked me out, I got so excited and I didn’t even think about where exactly we were going, but now we’re here… and I-I want to spend time with you, I just, I _can’t go in there.”_ The last few words were the only things to come out coherently. I had spoken so quickly it made my head spin.

 

Ethan didn’t say anything at first I could see him looking at me through my peripherals, and it was daunting. But then he let out a relieved sigh, which made me look at him.

 

“I thought you were gonna say that you didn’t wanna go out with me,” he said, taking a deep breath. “Okay, so fuck The Tube. Where else should we go?”

 

“Wait, you’re not mad? Or annoyed?” I asked stupidly.

 

“Of course not, I understand,” he reassured. “I just want you to be comfortable.”

 

~

 

After calling several restaurants for availability and driving around the city, we settled for some random drive-thru and eating in the car. It wasn’t glamorous or ideal by any means, but at least we were having some time together. Being in the comfort of my car kept me calm as well, and I had an appetite to go with it.

 

“Oh, so have you listened to the songs I gave you?” Ethan asked me.

 

“That was from, like, a million years ago,” I said.

 

“But did you? I listened to yours?”

 

I was genuinely surprised by that. “You did?”

 

He nodded before taking a mouthful of fries.

 

Meanwhile, I was trying to fight off a smile. “Um… well, I did listen to yours. Let’s see, ‘She’ is my anthem. ‘Intertwined’ is… sweet and calming. ‘When’ fucked me up, and it’s probably my favorite.”

 

“Good, those are good ones,” he said. “I liked ‘Touch.’ Uh, the acoustic version, not so much the other one. I also really liked ‘The End’ and ‘Secret Love Song.’ They’re really talented.”

 

My heart was fluttering with every word. But there was still a shred of doubt in my mind that he was just saying that to be polite.

 

“Wait,” I said, deciding to test him. “Part one or part two?”

 

“Two,” he replied. “I cried a little, listening to it.”

 

“Really?” I was terrible at not sounding like a lovesick puppy. “It’s like, one of my favorite songs. I know it’s depressing as fuck, but it’s relatable.”

 

Ethan paused. “You’ve… been in a secret relationship?”

 

I chuckled. “Yes, but that’s not why I love that song.” Suddenly, I hesitated. You never stop coming out in life, but every time I had to made me nervous. “It’s an LGBTQ anthem, and I’m bisexual… and, it’s felts like I’ve always had to… hide it, I guess. Or, ignore it for the sake of the other person?”

 

He nodded, but had a confused look on his face. “What do you mean?”

 

Now I had to shift in my seat to properly explain this. “Basically, if I date a girl, people think I’m a lesbian. If I date a guy, they think I’m straight and I’m all but kicked out of the LGBTQ community.”

 

“Oh man, that sucks. You’re hiding apart of who you are, that has to be rough.”

 

“Yup. I try to fight it and correct people because…” I sighed. “I’m not ashamed of who I am…and there’s other people out there that need to see people be unapologetically bi.” I was about to go on another tangent, but I felt like this was getting too personal for a first date.

 

“That’s really nice,” Ethan said. “You want to be that for someone. I don’t know a whole lot about the LGBTQ community, but it’s really cool that you want to be… that.”

 

I nodded in response, taking a long sip of my drink. I didn’t expect him to know everything… Maybe I could educate him later on. That is, if he doesn’t think I’m insane or undateable. Or fragile. Oh god, did he think I was fragile?

 

Now that I was thinking about it, he hadn’t said anything about the intervention. We had been talking all night like normal people. Was he just being polite for my sake? Oh no, did he go out with me as a pick-me-up? Was I just a pity date?

 

Well, I was not going to tolerate that.

 

“We should be heading back,” I said, gathering my scraps and dumping them in the paper bag.

 

Ethan shifted in his seat, mildly surprised. “Okay…”


	3. Chapter 3

I got a text that scared the shit out of me. I had just woken up, maybe a day or two after I had gone out with Ethan. The text message scared me because he was the only person who would talk to me, and it wasn’t him.

 

It was Mark, asking if we could talk.

 

“Oh fuck, he knows,” I mumbled, sitting up.

 

That had to be it. He found out that Ethan and I are kind of seeing each other and he was going to be furious. What could I do? What could I say?

 

Then, I received another text.

 

_ “It’s nothing bad, I promise. Can you come over?” _

 

My heart rate began to slow down, but now I was confused. Why would he want to privately talk to me? Why at my house? Wouldn’t Amy be there, snooping on us? Unless… they broke up… and Mark wanted to get back together…

 

_ “What is this about?”  _ I sent back before I jump to conclusions.

 

This was making me more nervous than it should have. I couldn’t just stay in bed anymore, I had gotten so restless. I went into the bathroom to wash my face, only to be startled by my reflection. I was so used to seeing my light brown roots and orange ends over the last few months that I had almost forgotten I dyed my hair the previous day. It was back to the same old black-to-pink color scheme. I tried to see it as a way of putting myself back together.

 

God, I had so much hair. I ran my fingers through the tangled locks, noticing how dry the ends were. The pink was as vibrant as I liked it to be, it just felt like hay. Next thing I knew, I was grabbing my hair cutting scissors from the drawer, but as I held them open at the ends of the strands, I hesitated. I had a lot of hair…too much hair, actually.

 

What made me drop the scissors was the sound of my phone on my bed. I pushed the self destructive thoughts out of my head and went to answer Mark’s new text.

 

_ “I just want to talk about you and me. Can you please come over?” _

 

Yikes. I could only hope that he didn’t want to get back together. Not now, when I was kind of seeing someone he worked closely with. I was still really curious, though, so I accepted his invite.

 

I walked out of my room as I responded to Mark. When I sent the message, I looked up and found Jack lying on the couch, scrolling on his phone. Although, he sat up when he saw me.

 

“You ready?” he asked.

 

I kept forgetting that we had to be bound at the hip due to my mental health. I looked down at my appearance and then at my friend. “Um…”

 

“Oh, take your time,” he said, sitting back again. “I’m not in any hurry.”

 

“Here’s the thing,” I told him. “I was gonna drop you off on campus and then… I was gonna go see Mark.” I said the last bit slowly, like I was carefully choosing my words.

 

“Why Mark?”

 

I shrugged. “He said he wants to talk about us. I don’t know what he means by that, though. So I was gonna go find out.”

 

Jack opened his mouth like he was going to ask more questions, but he just nodded. “Alright then.”

 

I wanted to say more, I wanted to talk to him about this. Instead, I just went back into my room to get dressed and do my makeup. I made extra sure to use waterproof products. I had a feeling I would need them.

 

~

 

Mark had moved during the time we had been apart. I guess that was okay. His old house had too many memories. This new place was much smaller and even closer to YTU. Guess since he didn’t have roommates anymore, he didn’t need all that space.

 

As usual, I stayed in the car once I had arrived to the freaking place. I took deep breaths while trying to figure out what exactly Mark wanted to talk about. What could it possibly be, besides getting back together? A couple of months ago, I would have wanted that. My dumb, heartbroken ass would have jumped at the chance. Now? I kind of had someone new, and it was someone he knew. Shit, did this mean I had to tell Mark about me and Ethan?

 

I wanted to vomit out all the nerves. Slowly, I got out of the car, my body shivering. Surely, Mark would have seen this coming. He had to know I was going to be a nervous wreck. I knocked on the door, the anxiety weighing heavily on my shoulders.

 

He smiled when he answered the door, and he graciously invited me inside.

 

My stomach turned when I didn’t immediately hear Chica’s pitter-patters across the floor. I had at least hoped that Mark would remember how calming his dog was to me.

 

“How you doing?” he asked after he shut the door.

 

“Fine,” I replied, looking around at the place. “Are you here by yourself?”

 

“Yeah. Well, Chica’s outside,” he told me. “I’ll bring her inside in a minute.”

 

I visibly relaxed. “Okay, cool.”

 

Mark smiled. “Did you think I’d forget about your nerves?”

  
Was this the part where I had to be brutally honest?

 

“I thought you had forgotten about me altogether.”

 

There was a tense pause. “Let’s go sit.”

 

He led me over to the living room. He didn’t even keep the furniture from his last house. I wasn’t sure why that threw me off. Still, I sat on the white velvet, trying to unclench my jaw. I kept picking at my nails.

 

Mark sat on the adjacent sofa, watching me the way Jack had been in the last few days. “How’ve you been holding up? Since the last time we saw each other?”

 

I couldn’t help but cringe at the memory. “Okay. I’ve been going to therapy, and I’m not allowed to be left alone for long periods of time.” I paused, not wanting to seem rude. “But… thank you for being there. I didn’t realize you still cared.”

 

“Of course I care,” Mark said seriously. “I told you, I’ll always care about. That’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. I want to be there for you. I didn’t want to just stage an intervention for you and then leave again. I want to… I would like to try to reconcile. Talk about the past, leave it in the past, and then start over. I think it would help both of us.”

 

I sat there in thought. I was actually surprised he still wanted to be in my life. This sounded like something Helena would have us do, and through that, I could see how it would be beneficial to me.

 

“How would it help you?” I asked.

 

Mark hesitated. “I, uh, I still find myself overanalyzing everything Amy does, and she hates it. I hover a lot, sometimes it’s overbearing. Not only that… you’re the only ex who’s tried to commit suicide. I have things to talk about, and you’re the only person who will understand.”

 

Knowing that his past with me put a strain on his new relationship made me think of Ethan. Should that grow into something more, I didn’t want to repeat a lot of the things I had done in the past. I didn’t want to be a sad, hopeless case, and I definitely didn’t want to burden Ethan with everything I came with.

 

“Okay,” I said. “Let’s talk.”

 

He seemed pleasantly surprised by that. He smiled and shifted in his seat. "Okay. Where do you wanna start?"   
  
I shrugged, suddenly shy. Did I have to tell him all the pain and grief I went through after he left?   
  
"Well, I haven't forgotten about you," he began. "I could never forget about you."   
  
"Same." I was going to leave it at that, but suddenly more words decided to come out of my mouth. "I feel like a lot of things remind me of you. Right down to my driving."   
  
"Is that good or bad?"   
  
"It's was bad when we broke up, because I just wanted to forget. So I never left the house until Jack moved back in," I explained.   
  
Mark sighed and looked down. "I had a feeling... I knew it was going to set you back. You were doing so well, I was so proud of you, and it was tearing me up because I knew it was going to fall apart on my doing."   
  
That went right through my heart. He was aware of the state I had been in leading up to our end. I had been better than I had been in in weeks. I was okay, but still fragile. And he still left with all of that in his head.   
  
"You just wanted to be happy," I told him, deciding not be angry anymore. "Don't get me wrong, I was-slash-still-am salty that I couldn't be apart of that happiness. But all I’ve wanted for you is to he happy, and to live your best life. And... I'm moving on with the fact that I won't be apart of it."

 

“Hey, you can still be in my life,” Mark said. “That’s why we’re here. I still want us to be friends.”

 

Oh god. I wasn’t even sure if I was ready for that. I had a hard time getting myself over here. Plus, being friends with him meant that I would eventually have to tell him about Ethan. Sure, things weren’t terrible with Mark right now, but judging from past experience, that could change very quickly.

 

“One step at a time,” I said, taking a deep breath.

 

“Right, of course.” He paused. “You being here is a big step. I can’t imagine how hard it was for you.”

 

I nodded.

 

“But still. If you’d like to… eventually we could go back to how we were before all of this happened.”

 

How it was before? It felt like a lifetime ago. It felt like two completely different people who were probably dead now. Well, Mark had definitely changed and evolved for the better. I, on the other hand, was still down in the dumps, still having panic attacks. I was in a constant state of darkness.

 

“Do you think we’ll ever be the same?” I prompted. “Because… I don’t think I could go and pretend like I never fell in love with you. I can’t pretend that you never hurt me.”

 

He considered my words. “You’re right. It’s not easy to forget those days you were in the hospital.”

 

Oh, the hospital. Mark was the first and only face I saw when I woke up. I wanted to cry at the memory. Lately, I didn’t feel too far away from that girl in the bed, but I was trying. I guess that’s why I was here.

 

“Listen,” I said, my tone serious. “I’m sorry for all of that. I feel like I put a lot of pressure on you. And I told you not to tell anyone about it, and that wasn’t fair.”

 

Mark waved it off. “You don’t need to apologize. I wanted to be there for you. And besides, it’s not my story to tell.”

 

“But you were there for a lot of it. You were the only one there. Did you at least talk to Helena about it?”

 

“Yeah, I did. I went to see her a few times after you left the hospital.”

 

I couldn’t help but feel utterly guilty. “I’m sorry.”

 

“No, I should be the one apologizing. I… I am so sorry for any ounce of pain I’ve caused you. And I’m so sorry for neglecting you during our relationship. I’m sorry I left you the way that I did.”

 

I stayed silent, and I picked at the corners of my eyes, trying to control my tears. I had worn waterproof eye makeup, but things like this weren’t water resistant.

 

Before I could think of a coherent response, the lock on the front door began to jiggle. My stomach sank, and I looked up at Mark.

 

“Is that Amy?”

 

“Yeah. She knows that this is happening,” he said.

 

“And she’s okay with it?” I asked just as the door opened.

 

“Yeah, of course.”

 

The anxiety came back upon hearing her footsteps. I had to get out of here. 

 

“Oh,” said the girl in question. “I didn’t mean to… I can just-”

 

I quickly stood up, turning in her direction, but not looking at her. “I was just about to leave.”

 

“Wait, Bella,” Mark said. “We still have things to talk about.”

 

“Later, then,” I insisted. “I have to go pick up Jack anyway.”

 

I noticed Amy hadn’t tried to make me stay. She just darted outside to where Chica was.

 

“Okay,” Mark said with a sigh. “It was good to see you again.”

 

“I’ll bring this up to Helena,” I added. “Maybe she can help, or maybe she’ll want to see us both.”

 

That made him perk up. “Yeah. Of course. Let me know.”

 

~

 

I didn’t pick up Jack. I just went to his dorm and waited for him to finish recording. We didn’t really say anything to each other when I arrived. He was pretty busy, so I shut myself away in his other room.

 

“We don’t need,” I sang, “anything… or anyone…”

 

Jack entered his room at some point, finding me lying on the floor. He let out a small laugh. “Everything okay?”

 

“If I lay here,” I continued singing, "if I just lay here... would you-"   
  
"Yeah, I understand," he said, assuming the position. "Lie with you, forget the world... I'm here."   
  
We stared at the ceiling in silence. I didn't know what else to say. I couldn't put my feelings into words just yet. All I knew was that there was something, and I had to lie down until I figured it out. My brain and my heart felt like they were blending together, and it was making it difficult to sort anything out.   
  
"Remember this position from yoga?" Jack spoke up. "The corpse pose?"   
  
I cracked a smile. "Yeah. It meant that class was over. Remember the partner forward fold?"   
  
He chuckled. "My testicles sure do."   
  
We both laughed. I missed him. I missed Jack like I missed Mark. They felt far away, even though they were right there. Was it always going to be like this?

 

I mean, Jack still wanted to be around me. Or, was that only because I provided shelter and transportation? Was it just convenient for him? What had happened that made me want to shut him out? He wasn’t one of the people who hurt me. I had to get my best friend back somehow.


	4. Chapter 4

One of the things Jack and I had in common was that we were our best selves when it came to making videos. We brought it up during a session with Helena, then she required we do this as a trust exercise. I wasn’t exactly reluctant, but I was nervous about what would come up in the middle of this particular video.

 

Jack and I sat on the couch in the living room, camera and lights on us. Depending on how this went, this video would be going on YouTube, so we had to treat it as such. It was also going to be viewed by Helena, who was going to go in depth at our next session.

 

“Hey, it’s Bella!” I greeted. “Today, I’m doing something that a lot of you requested, which is the best friend tag! And as of… last year, my best friend is…”

 

I gestured to Jack, and he put his arms up in the air.

 

“It’s me.” He smiled before putting his arms back down. “Y’know we first met around this time last year?”

 

“Really?” I asked, surprised. “Jesus Christ. Actually, that brings us to the first question: how and when did we meet?”

 

“Ah, it was a bright and sunny morning,” Jack began, “in nineteen fifty four…”

 

I giggled. “Yeah, basically. Feels like we’ve been friends for a lifetime. It was last year, first day of the spring semester, Mark introduced us.”

 

“You were so shy,” Jack said fondly. “Aw, that car ride was-”

 

“Quiet and anxiety inducing,” I finished with a laugh. “But I thought you were really kind.”

 

“Aww.”

 

Next question:  _ what’s your favorite memory together? _

 

We sat there and thought about it. Jack was the first to speak.

 

“I liked the time we went to The Tube,” he said. “Where we drank a lot and someone had to come pick us up.”

 

“Oh yeah,” I said. “That was fun. I think I like… that time I was sad and you let me do your makeup.”

 

I was starting to understand why Helena made us do this. Remembering little moments made me feel a huge rush of affection for Jack. My heart was already swelling.

 

“Describe each other in one word,” he read off my phone.

 

We looked at each other in thought. I wasn’t sure what to expect from this prompt. What was I to Jack?

 

“Welcoming,” I answered, deciding to go first this time. “You always treat people the best you can, and you always try to make everyone comfortable. I don’t know, the energy you give off is always kind and warm. You’re just full of good vibes.”

 

Jack was smiling ear to ear. “I think Helena was right to make us do this.” He paused and then faced the camera again. “My word for you is passionate. You care so much about everything you do. You’re so passionate about your viewers, LGBTQ rights, mental health, makeup.”

 

The moment was sinking in. But to keep myself from crying, I read the next question.

 

“What’s one thing you don’t know about each other? Here we go, it’s time to get deep.”

 

There was another moment of silent thinking, though I knew what my confession would be. I had thought about it plenty of times, and Jack seemed like the only person I could tell.

 

“Um, I fart a lot in my sleep,” Jack said jokingly.

 

I chuckled. “I knew that already.”

 

“Well, I guess you know everything about me!”

 

“Okay, well I can’t tell them,” I began, gesturing to the camera, “but I’ll tell you.” I hesitated. “You’re probably not gonna believe me.”

 

“What is it? Just tell me.”

 

“Santiago isn’t my real last name.”

 

Jack was silent at first, looking like he was trying to see right through me. He let out a small laugh in disbelief. “No way.”

 

“I’m serious,” I told him. “I swear, honest to god. I legally changed my last name to Santiago a little bit after moving out of my parents’ house.”

 

“So what was your real last name?”

 

“Sanchez,” I said, and then added, “I just didn’t want to be tied to them anymore. Plus, it’s a super generic Mexican last name, and I didn’t really want to be generic.”

 

“Yeah, I get it.” Jack nodded. “Wow… Bella Sanchez.”

 

I chuckled at the sound of it. “She’s dead, I don’t know her.”

 

The next few questions were just guessing each other’s favorite whatever’s. Those were easy and left plenty of room for banter.

 

“Three things I always carry with me?”

 

“Easy. Phone, car keys, and whatever lipstick you’re wearing that day.”

 

“See? This is the kind of man I need! Okay, what nicknames do we have for each other?”

 

Jack giggled as he sat up. “Let’s see, you were Bella, then Bellers. Then fuckin’ Baller. Nervous Ball, Tiny Ball.”

 

“You give good nicknames,” I commented. “I have none for you, though.”

 

“I have enough for the both of us.” He took my phone and read, “Strengths and weaknesses.”

 

This was definitely going somewhere else. I should mention that Helena picked out the questions for us. She obviously had specific things she wanted us to bring up.

 

“Bella Santiago. Strength: sharp eyeliner. Weakness: people,” Jack announced, still joking around.

 

“Well you’re not wrong,” I said. “Let’s see, for you… I think your strength is… remaining humble. Like, you’ve made it so far, you’ve accomplished so much, and none of it has gone to your head.”

 

“Aw… can I change my answer?”

 

“And a weakness…” I paused, actually stumped for once. “Hmm…”

 

“Confrontation,” he admitted. “That’s a tough one.”

 

Helena was going to have a grand ol’ session with us, that’s all I knew.

 

“Last question,” Jack went on as he took my phone, “what do you admire most about each other? Oh, that’s easy. Well, you talked about it on your channel, but uh… you were in a very bad situation when you were, what? Eighteen? And you took the initiative to pack everything up and start a new life. You found a way out, even when you thought you couldn’t. And that’s very admirable.”

 

I let out a strangled, whiney noise. I wanted to cry at his words. Not knowing what else to do, I hugged Jack from the side in a somewhat silly way. “I love yooouuu!”

 

When I let him go, I took things seriously again. This was proving to be therapeutic.

 

“The amount of empathy you have for other people is something else,” I told him. “Like… you really can put yourself in other people’s shoes and you can feel what their feeling. I’ve told you some shit about me and we both ended up crying.”

 

“Your pain is my pain,” he said. “But I think that’s because we’re friends and we’ve also been in the same situation, with the breakups and all.”

 

“That’s true. But still. Even in your ‘Try Not to Cringe’ videos, you’re still feeling what the other person is feeling, and you’re trying to understand the situation.”

 

“I’m just being a decent person!”

 

“But you do it so well! I don’t know, you’re a good role model.”

 

“Oh, I don’t know about that.”

 

I looked at him, then at the camera. “What’s one thing you hate about your best friend? He can’t take a fucking compliment!”

 

Jack laughed. “Well, neither can you!”

 

“I know…”

 

~

 

That video went up before our next therapy session. Our followers went absolutely wild over it. It was sweet. Made me smile for a little bit.

 

I did cut out certain parts, though, like my last name reveal. Thankfully, instead of people speculating over it, they made it into a meme instead. Not only that, everyone seemed to like us solely as friends, so I was glad I didn’t have to stress about that anymore. I could see the internet as a safe place again.

 

Another thing I noticed was my subscriber count. I was dangerously close to one million, and it scared me. It was such a big number. It was intimidating, overwhelming.

 

I took a screenshot of my live subscriber count and tweeted it out with the caption “lmao.” My heart began to race as my mentions filled with responses. Then one particular notification made my head spin.

 

_ CrankGameplays quoted your tweet: “Go subscribe!!” _

 

I wanted to reply in all caps, but I was even more nervous about the backlash. I mean, he brought to attention the fact that we knew each other. That, and he told his followers to subscribe to my channel. Strange, a gamer promoting a beauty guru. Not the first time it’s happened, but it was still bizarre.

 

“Ahh!!” I yelled out when the number on my screen rose dramatically.

 

Jack was currently in the shower, so he wasn’t here to talk me down from my oncoming anxiety attack. He did scream back in response, though. It was starting to become a regular occurrence within the apartment.

 

999,028. I wanted to shit my pants, and I tweeted about it. 999,057. I wanted to throw up. 999,102. Jack finally joined the show.

 

“Did I miss it?” he asked excitedly as he barged into my room. “Did you hit it yet? Man, I should have brought party poppers or something!”

 

“Almost there!” I told him, anxiously picking at my nails.

 

Jack came over and sat next to me on the bed. He pulled out his phone and opened up Twitter. Not long after that, I had another notification of another quoted tweet. The live count rose rapidly right then, and I began flailing my hands around hysterically.

 

“Ahh, what the fuck?” I exclaimed.

 

999,921. I opened up Snapchat. I recorded the screen and let out a stressful noise. Jack screamed along with me as the number got higher.

 

I nearly burst into tears when it got to one million. Jack jumped onto the bed and cheered. I quickly tweeted out a thank you in caps lock, my hands shaking from all the excitement.

 

_ “WTF THE FCUK IM NT CRYIGNG YOU AR E TE AMO ❤” _

 

Suddenly, Jack tackled me in a side hug, nearly knocking me off the bed. “I’m so proud of you, Bellers.”

 

I couldn’t help but think that I literally could have been dead in this moment. I could have been dead for almost six months, and I wouldn’t have been here to see this. Life is wild.

 

~

 

Later that night, I was able to see Ethan. I did have to pick him up at the office, though… and I had to park somewhere down the road. I felt like a stalker fangirl, waiting for my YouTube crush to come out of the building so I could kidnap him.

 

Ugh, crush. I felt like I was sixteen, stricken with lovesick emotions. My chest was constantly warm, and my stomach was always full of butterflies. I had Cupid’s arrow in my ass, and now I couldn’t see anything except the hearts circling my head, and the guy who gave me all these gross, mushy feelings.

 

Those feelings intensified when I spotted him leaving the building. Just seeing Ethan a distance away made me grin like an idiot. He spotted my car and walked over, holding a balloon in his hand. When he got closer to the car, I looked towards the building, just to make sure that none of his friends/coworkers had followed him. It was short, but I didn’t see anything. I turned my attention back to Ethan when he got in the car.

 

“Hey,” he greeted, “I got you this.”

 

He struggled slightly to pull in the single purple balloon. It only made my heart sing more.

 

“What for?” I asked.

 

“‘Cause you hit a milestone today,” he told me.

 

I blushed. Thank god he couldn’t see me in the dark. “That’s sweet.”

 

Ethan pushed the thing into the backseat before I drove off. Today, we decided to go up to Hollywood Hills. It was better for us to go at night because there were far less people, and neither of us were busy at this hour. I had to have him navigate though, because neither of us had been up there before. Thankfully, we got there without any extra difficulty, aside from the usual traffic.

 

It was quite a walk up to where we wanted to go. There was a specific view we wanted to find, and honestly, I was not a hiker. But this was mainly Ethan’s idea, and I was willing to do whatever he wanted, despite the underlying bout of nerves.

 

“Is this high enough?” he asked when we reached a certain landing.

 

I looked out at the view. It was all black with many dots of light. I wasn’t one for heights, but since the elevation was blocked out by the darkness, it wasn’t as scary. The stars in the sky were covered by the busy, neverending lights of the city. My legs were sore, and I was out of breath, so I nodded in response and went to sit on a nearby rock.

 

“How long have you lived out here?” he asked me as he walked around the cliff.

 

Uh oh. Interrogation time.

 

“Two, almost three years,” I replied.

 

“Oh, you’ve probably seen a lot of the city, haven’t you?” he guessed.

 

I chuckled, and rubbed my hands together nervously. “If you count my skill of handling traffic from driving so much, then yes.”

 

“Wait, really?”

 

“Yeah, I don’t really get out much.” I could tell this was going to bring on an awkward pause, so I quickly added, “but what about you? Are you liking it here so far?”

 

“Yeah, absolutely,” he said. “I, uh, I miss my family a lot, though. It still feels weird being so far away.”

 

“Aw, I know,” I said, even though I really didn’t. “You get used to it. At least you really get to value the time you do spend with them.” Again, I didn’t know the feeling, I just heard that from other people.

 

“Oh yeah, I loved this last Christmas,” Ethan said, pacing around some more. “Did you get to see your family over the holidays?”

 

Oh god, why did he ask that? I couldn’t stop the awkward tension from arising.

 

“No.”

 

Before I could explain further, Ethan stopped in his tracks and interjected, “Oh! You mentioned at homecoming… uh, I’m sorry, we don’t have to talk about that.”

 

“It’s okay,” I reassured. Although, I did cringe at the mention of homecoming. I had to give him the gist of my family thing. He had to get an idea of all the emotional baggage I carried. “I have been living on my own for…” I counted on my fingers. “Six or seven years. My parents didn’t exactly like the idea of their daughter being bi, so as as soon as I turned eighteen, I left and started fresh.”

 

Ethan took a minute to process all of that. I could tell I made things awkward with that bit of information. There go my chances.

 

“Oh, I didn’t know that was the case,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

 

I waved it off, as always. “It was years ago, it’s no big deal.”

 

He nodded and continued pacing. “Were you scared when you first moved?”

 

I was grateful for the subject change. “Absolutely. I cried a lot when I moved out of my parents’ house, and I cried more when I moved here.” I paused. “Are you… how have you been since you moved?”

 

Ethan hesitated. “I don’t know how to put it. I miss my family, but I’ve also been so busy that I don’t really feel it all the time. And I miss my friends too… But YouTube is all I’ve wanted to do, and everything is taking off, so I shouldn’t be sad, right?”

 

“You can be sad,” I reassured. “Like, you’re far from your hometown and all your friends, it only makes sense. And chasing your dreams comes with a lot of sacrifices.”

 

“Yeah…” he hummed.

 

I was eighty percent sure I said it to him at homecoming, but I was thinking about it again: how lucky was he to have a family so good to him that he’s genuinely upset to be far away from them. I didn’t really envy him for it, though. I could see why he was feeling like this.

 

“D-Do you need a hug… or something?” I mumbled, but he caught it anyway.

 

A little smile began to etch on his face. I half meant it as a joke, but as soon as it was in the air, that was all I wanted to do. The look on Ethan’s face said the same thing, and he opened his arms.

 

It should have been a quick, jokey-joke hug. But as soon as I was wrapped up in his arms, I didn’t want to let go. I was supposed to be comforting him, but I felt so light and warm. His hand went down to my lower back, which sent intense feelings of heat and electricity throughout my body. I felt weirdly comfortable, and that was so rare.

 

Then, a bright, blinding light shone on us.


	5. Chapter 5

“It was awful!” I rambled, anxiously pacing around my living room. “Oh god, it was going so well and then it just fucking - ah!” I rubbed my hands together, my mind buzzing horribly.

 

“I didn’t know Hollywood Hills had business hours,” said Jack, who was sat on the couch. “Did you get a fine?”

 

“No, but I did have an anxiety attack,” I groaned.

 

“Oh no.” Jack sat up. “What did Ethan do?”

 

I cringed as I remembered the irrational crying and hyperventilating. God, it was so embarrassing and stupid, I was trying not to reduce myself to tears. “Nothing. He didn’t know what to do! He just rubbed my back and told me to breathe!”

 

“So he didn’t do anything wrong?”

 

I shook my head. “But it was so stupid! Everything was perfectly fine until I ruined it!”

 

Jack then stood up and went to me. “Hey, it’s okay. You didn’t ruin anything, and I’m sure Ethan told you the same thing.”

 

“Yeah, and how long will it be before he gets tired of it? How long do I have before he starts rolling his eyes at me?” I asked, knowing exactly how insane I sounded, but I couldn’t stop these thoughts from spilling out.

 

“You need to trust him,” Jack firmly said. “And it sounds impossible, but it’s not. It just takes time.”

 

I sighed. “I don’t want to be afraid of him. I don’t want to run away from him… I don’t want to be sad anymore…”

 

“I know. You won’t always be said, you have to know that.”

 

This was exhausting. How long was I going to be like this? When would I stop being such a stick in the mud? When will everything just  _ stop? _

 

Jack gently hugged me as I started to cry. I wanted all of this bad stuff to be over. I wanted to give up, I wanted to stop fighting. It was more tiring than just being depressed and anxious all the time. At least I know what to expect with the latter; It was easier to stay on the ground.

 

“No one said recovery was easy,” he told me. “You have to take the good with the bad. And you have to remember that this is only the beginning. You have plenty of time, and you have plenty of people who want to support you.”

 

I didn’t realize that I had said any of that out loud. I didn’t care. None of this was worth it. It was always going to be this way.

 

“No, it won’t,” Jack reassured. “And it’s completely worth it. You’ll have your good days and bad days. That’s how you can appreciate the good.”

 

He kept telling me these things as I cried Things were hard to hear. My knee-jerk reaction was finding a reason to stay in my private, comfy sinkhole of depression. In that moment, I couldn’t believe that I could get better. I was broken beyond repair.

 

However, once the worst of it was over, I wondered why I acted like that in the first place. Yes, Ethan and I got a stern talking-to by a Hollywood Hills security guard, but it wasn’t that big a deal. Yes, I was trying to get my shit together, I had done this before in the past. I knew from prior experience that I couldn’t just expect everything to be better overnight… as much as I wanted it to be like that.

 

~

 

I had forgotten how consistent you had to be when it came to communication in relationships. Ethan sent me a text a few days after the Hollywood Hills incident that made me feel kind of like an asshole.

 

_ “Hey, you’re not mad at me are you?” _

 

Of course not. I’ve just been too exhausted and embarrassed to talk to specifically him. How does one say that without sounding crazy or rude?

 

_ “No lol I’ve just been kinda busy,”  _ I typed before sending. Then, as an add-on,  _ “Sorry for the silence.”  _ Then I realized how cold and distant I sounded, so I sent some emojis following my two messages. That was three. I just triple texted.

 

Although, Ethan didn’t take ten years to respond this time.

 

_ “Okay, just making sure. Besides that, is everything okay?” _

 

How can he tell? What did I say? Was I really that obvious? Was the storm cloud above my head actually visible? I was hesitating. I didn’t want to lie to him, but I didn’t want to be a burden either.

 

_ “Sometimes I’m bad at keeping in contact, even if it’s people I really like.”  _ I sent it before I could panic.

 

My heart pounded as I read his reply.

 

_ “Aww… I’m the same way lol… I really like you too.” _

 

FUCK. ABORT. RUN AWAY!

 

“Ay, no seas pendeja,” I mumbled to myself, catching my immediate reaction before it could spiral. “We’ve been at it for this long, we’ve already established this crap. C’mon Bella, no seas chillona.”

 

I sent back the monkey covering its eyes and the blue heart emojis. Then, I filmed a video to distract myself. Thankfully, I was able to be by myself again, which meant that I could film a cover while Jack was away on campus.

 

While I was doing my makeup, I got another text from Ethan. He was what I was doing, and I told him. Then, he asked if he could listen somehow, and I was convinced to let him in on a Skype call.

 

“Hey!” he greeted when his face popped up on my laptop screen.

 

“Hi! Don’t mind me, I’m just putting on my actual face,” I told him. “I’m nearly done.”

 

“Take your time,” Ethan said, resting his chin in his hands. “Work your magic.”

 

I took my laptop over to the bathroom and moved my products aside. Then, I continued with my routine, not really conscious of the fact that I was being watched. Strangely enough, I didn’t really mind people watching me do something I knew I was good at. Plus, I was sure Ethan would get bored of me and open another tab until I was ready to sing.

 

“How do you do the wing?” he asked, much to my surprise.

 

I paused, letting that surprised feeling pass over. “Um… I’ve had to sacrifice all my babies,” I finally answered. “I also had to summon like, five different demons with the blood of a virgin.”

 

“And who did you murder to get that contour?” he egged on.

 

I sighed as I applied highlighter to the tops of my cheekbones. “You know too much already.”

 

Ethan giggled. “Well, I’ll stop asking questions, Miss Makeup Artist Person Expert.”

 

“Yeah, stay in your lane, Mr. Gamer Person Man.”

 

I finished up with my makeup routine by spritzing some setting spray onto my face. For a second, I forgot I was being watched, and I had a moment of… “feelin’ myself.” I turned my head from side to side, watching my highlight catch the light. I appreciated the sharpness of my winged liner and the flawlessness of my eyebrows.

 

Suddenly, I heard a shutter sound and snapped out of my vain moment. I turned back to Ethan on the screen, my eyes widening.

 

“I’m not doin’ nothin’,” he said, feigning innocence.

 

“Oh god. I can only hope I look good in that screenshot,” I said timidly.

 

“You always look good.”

 

I rolled my eyes and put on my best “white girl” accent. “Aw, thanks boo!”

 

Then, I took my laptop back to my room. I set it down on the bed and went to get my keyboard. I stood it in front of my bed, since I didn’t have a proper bench. After, I went to grab my lights that I left in the living room. 

 

“What are you gonna sing?” Ethan prompted.

 

“I’m thinking Dodie,” I replied as I went to grab my camera and tripod. “Or something else, I’m not sure.”

 

“Dodie,” he said. “You gotta sing Dodie.”

 

I hesitated as I turned on the camera and lights. “I’ve been practicing ‘When’ but I don’t know if it’s good enough.”

 

“Let’s hear it then. I’ll tell you if it’s good.”

 

It was more nervewracking knowing that Ethan was the one hearing me sing. I always needed to sing for someone before posting on my channel, but since it was going to be the guy I liked this time, I was a little nervous. I also found the song because of him, too. I could only hope I would do it justice.

 

Nervously, I sat down on the bed and placed my fingers on the keys. After breathing deeply, I played the first few notes of the song, but I had to start over a few times. To be honest, I was just stalling, but I got to it eventually.

 

_ “I think I’ve been telling lies, ‘cause I’ve never been in love _

_ Everyone falls for the sunshine disguise _

_ Distracted by who they’re thinking of” _

 

The vocals were a little too soft for my liking, but the lyrics and Ethan’s persistence are what won me over. The more I sang it, the more lost I got in it.

 

_ “Am I the only one wishing life away? _

_ Never caught up in the moment, busy begging the past to stay _

_ Memories painted with much brighter ink _

_ They tell me I loved, teach me how to think” _

 

Part of me wished for the day I would find a happy song that I could relate to.

 

I sighed when I finished the song. Sheepishly, I turned to Ethan, who had a huge smile on his face. He started with a slow clap.

 

“You’re so talented!” he exclaimed. “Ah, your voice is so nice! I love it!”

 

“Thanks,” I replied, blushing furiously. “That should go on my channel, then?”

 

“Yes! Record it and post it, like, right now,” he excitedly told me.

 

“Ahh, should I?”

 

“Do it. Do it, and… then we’ll go out after?” Ethan said the last bit slowly and softly.

 

Honestly, that was all it took for me to hit record.

 

~

 

This time, we went to the beach. It was cold as hell, being mid-January. But it was quiet and lacking of other people. It was also getting dark, which only made it colder. I was comfortable.

 

“Leggings were a bad idea,” I commented as we walked on the sand. “You’re gonna have to cut off my legs later.”

 

“You should’ve told me sooner,” Ethan replied. “I would’ve brought a chainsaw or something.”

 

We both stayed silent. Then we looked at each other and laughed. Thank god we had a similar sense of humor. It was easy to be around him.

 

“Hey, so,” Ethan said, changing the subject. “I… I overheard Mark saying that he was talking to you again?”

 

Spoke too soon.

 

“Uh, where did you hear that?” I asked in response.

 

“He was telling Tyler at the office,” Ethan explained. “I just happened to… be in the room. So, it’s true, then?”

 

“We’re making amends,” I told him, looking out at the distance. “It’s just that… we were friends before we dated and… we want to get over the things that happened. And, I think if I don’t try to work out these things, then I’ll wind up making the same mistakes in other relationships.”

 

Ethan didn’t say anything at first, which prompted me to ramble.

 

“I’ve known Mark for two, almost three, years,” I added. “We have a lot of history. I still want him to be my friend. A-And like I said, I don’t want my past mistakes to happen in this relationship.”

 

“I get it,” he finally said. “That’s good that you still wanna be friends.”

 

“Yeah, I probably should’ve told you sooner,” I said. “I feel like that’s something you deserve to know.”

 

“It’s okay. I mean, he doesn’t know about… this.” Ethan gestured between the two of us. “So I guess that’s fair.”

 

I wanted to ask what we are but… you know the cause by now. All I knew was that we definitely weren’t just friends.

 

“You wanna get food and eat in the car?” he asked after a while.

 

“Absolutely.”


	6. Chapter 6

“When did you meet her?” I asked, surprisingly calm.

 

Mark and I were sat in his living room. Again, it was just the two of us. We had been talking about the past, and I realized that I had never known about Amy until Mark was leaving me for her. It was simultaneously expected and unexpected when that day happened, and now I was more confused than anything else. Time really does change you.

 

“Over a year ago,” he said in thought. “But the feelings didn’t start coming up until…” He paused, and I saw his shoulders slump a little bit. “Pax East, last year.”

 

“April,” I confirmed, remembering that weekend all too well. I was at the hospital while he was getting closer to what would be his next girlfriend. “You didn’t break up with me until July, though.”

 

“Because I still loved you. I wasn’t sure yet what I felt for her,” Mark explained. “But I was sure about you. I had the idea that we were going to work through our issues. But then, what I saw was that you were slowly pushing me away. You were quick to trust other people, and I got a little resentful.”

 

That’s when I stopped him. I sat up, a hard look on my face. “I thought you were the one drifting away. I needed someone to go to, and I only had one person at the time.”

 

“Right, I know that now,” Mark agreed. “And I’m actually glad you have Jack to lean on now. We just went about it the wrong way. We were talking to other people instead of each other. But there was still Amy. I kept talking to her, telling myself that we were just friends. She was living in Boston, so I figured nothing would ever happen. Then she told me she was moving to LA, and that she was going to be at Vidcon.”

 

So many things were falling into place now. I felt it click as I remembered the time last year when I told Mark I wouldn’t be going to Vidcon. He hadn’t tried to convince me to go. My mind was a mix of a calm, _ “Ooohh, that’s why!” _ and a resentful,  _ “That is ten kinds of fucked up.” _ It made sense now. It was because of Amy why Mark didn’t try to make me go to Vidcon, and that brought on my next question.

 

“Did you ever cheat on me?” It came out softly, like I was afraid to speak it.

 

“No,” he answered without hesitation. “That, I can promise you. We had feelings for each other, but I knew that you and I were still together, and Amy knew that too.”

 

It was so long ago, things were so different now, but I was still in pain. I fought off tears as I said, “And as soon as you left me, you didn’t even wait to publicly hang out with her… That was probably the biggest ‘fuck you’ I’ve ever gotten.”

 

Mark shifted in his seat, staying quiet. He looked down until he found his words again. “You didn’t deserve that. I honestly have no idea what I was thinking, and I have no excuse. I’m so sorry I did that to you.”

 

I nodded, acknowledging his apology. “Like, I know sometimes I wasn’t nice to you because of all the crap in my head, but…”

 

“Hey,” he said seriously, “it’s not your fault your illnesses make you act certain ways. But, you were good to me in the time we were together. You took all the bullshit I threw at you towards the end on top of your own problems. You’re probably the strongest person I know.”

 

I shrugged. I wasn’t sure how I felt about the word “strong.” I didn’t think that described me, but it wasn’t about that right now.

 

“It felt like…” Now I was starting to cry. “I could physically feel you forget about me, and it hurt so bad that I couldn’t breathe. And I felt shitty about that, because I kept telling myself that you were better off, and you looked so much happier without me.” I stopped myself and tried to control the waterworks.

 

Maybe this was a bad idea. I knew Mark couldn’t say anything to make it better, because he was the one who caused all of this. All this time, I had imagined telling him exactly what he put me through when he left, I just hadn’t imagined that I would render myself unable to say any of it.

 

“I’m sorry,” he quietly told me.

 

It was hard to voice any more of this. I couldn’t express anything I was feeling without the fear of falling apart completely. But it was there in the back of my throat.

 

“I miss you,” I whispered as I dabbed under my eyes with my sleeves. “God, I miss everything before any of this happened.”

 

There was a tense pause. I had to clarify before things got weird.

 

“I want my friend back,” I told him. “Not the boyfriend, or the ex-boyfriend. I want the guy who was so stubborn and determined to talk to me, I want the guy who helped me without even trying. I miss that, I miss when we were friends. And after everything that’s happened…”

 

“We can still be friends,” Mark said. “I still want us to be friends. We can do this. Have you talked to Helena about us yet?”

 

I shook my head. “All of my sessions have been with Jack lately. Haven’t had the chance to bring it up.”

 

“Okay, well, I’ll give her a call and maybe she’ll schedule us.”

 

~

 

_ “How do you feel about the movies?” _

 

_ “Dark rooms full of people scare me.” _

 

_ “Drive-in movie?” _

 

_ “That sounds doable.” _

 

_ “Dank. Pick me up around 7?” _

 

_ “Okiiiii.” _

 

~

 

“Are you his girlfriend yet?” Jack asked me that Friday afternoon. He was in the kitchen, preparing an early dinner.

 

“I…” I blushed and wracked my brain as I leaned against the counter. It was almost embarrassing how flustered I got. “I literally do not know. It’s been like… a month and a half?”

 

“Has he asked you?”

 

“No. Should I be worried?”

 

Jack shrugged. “Maybe he’s taking it slow, given everything that’s happened lately.”

 

It made sense. I tried to keep that in my head, otherwise I would lose my mind over it. I wasn’t exactly fond of the idea of Ethan tiptoeing around me like a ticking time bomb, but I would take that over the idea of him not liking me the way I liked him. Rationalizing the bad feelings was proving to be helpful.

 

“Is it weird for me to talk about all of this?” I asked. “I know you said things didn’t work out with… I don’t want to be inconsiderate.”

 

“Nah dude,” Jack jokingly said, but then he was genuine. “I’m fine. You can talk to me about this.”

 

“But do  _ you  _ wanna talk about it? About her?”

 

He hesitated as he stirred vegetables in a pan. “We had the same conversation we did when we first broke up,” he spoke at last. “And again, I told her she could come with me to YTU, especially now that she’s making her own videos. She wasn’t willing to make the move. And… yeah, we decided to just be friends. And you know what? I’m here in LA, ready for the next semester. So I think that says how I feel about the whole situation.”

 

I nodded as I listened. “I’m sorry it didn’t work. But she was essentially making you pick between her and your career.”

 

“Yeah, and I didn’t like that. I realize now that the love of my life is YouTube. And maybe one day I’ll find someone who really understands that. In the meantime, I have my friends, and my community.”

 

“That’s a nice way to look at it,” I said, nudging his side. “I’m glad you’re being positive about it.”

 

“It’s all about finding the silver lining.” Jack then put his hands up and yelled, “Wubba lubba dub duuuub!” Then he looked at me like he had the best idea ever. “Rick!”

 

“What?” I asked with a chuckle.

 

“Rick and Morty! You have - or, had - the same last name as Rick!” he told me.

 

I tilted my head. “I’ve never actually seen it.”

 

Jack nearly dropped his jaw. “We’ve been friends for this long and I’ve never showed you the masterpiece that is ‘Rick and Morty?’ Now I know what we’re gonna watch while we eat!”

 

~

 

To be honest, I didn’t really like the movie that Ethan picked for us. He, on the other hand, nearly teared up because he enjoyed it so much. I thought it was a little hyped up for what it was, and when I expressed that to Ethan, well…

 

“How dare you?”

 

“Well, I didn’t hate it,” I told him, sitting back in my seat. After the movie, we settled again for staying in the car in another fast food parking lot. “I loved the music, and the cinematography. The story and the actors, though? Generic as hell.”

 

“You’re calling Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling  _ generic?”  _ Ethan asked in shock. Then he sighed. “Alright, well. This isn’t gonna work out. It was nice knowing you, Bella.”

 

I practically snorted and rolled my eyes. “I literally cannot see either of them as singers. I mean, I saw it, but… no. Fuck, I would have made a better Mia.”

 

That made him crack a smile. “That’s one thing we can agree on.”

 

“Then again, they probably liked Emma’s soft, raspy-as-fuck voice, something which I lack,” I rambled, trying to diffuse the warm feelings in my chest. “I have a big, loud singing voice.”

 

Ethan kept smiling, fiddling with the pop socket on the back of his phone. Then, he reached over and turned up the volume on the radio.

 

“‘Intertwined,’” he read off the little screen. “Good.”

 

I softly mouthed the words to the song up until the line,  _ “You create a rarity of my genuine smile.”  _ That’s where I began to sing it.

 

I didn’t realize that Ethan and I gradually shifted closer to each other in our seats. He was one move away from pressing his shoulder against mine, and the only reason why I wasn’t fixated on that was because I was belting out the high note.

 

_ “Can you drink all my thoughts? ‘Cause I can’t stand them…” _

 

That was the only part I liked to sing. The rest was too soft for me. This song also made me think of Ethan, so if I sang any more of it, I would get way too passionate. I put it on repeat to cope with the emotions.

 

“You really like this song a lot, don’t you?” he asked as it played a second time.

 

“See what you started?” I replied with a giggle. “I’m obsessed, I can’t stop now.”

 

As the silence dawned on us again, I busied myself with my phone. For once, it was a comfortable silence. Although, I did notice Ethan shift again so that he was directly facing me.

 

“Hey.”

 

I locked my phone and looked at him, waiting.

 

“Do you… maybe… wanna be my girlfriend?”

 

My eyes widened and then went back to my black phone screen. A huge surge of emotions went through my body. Everything I felt for him just intensified when he asked that question. It was so much that I didn’t know what to do with myself.

 

So I cried.

 

“Oh god,” Ethan said urgently.

 

“D-Don’t worry!” I told him before he could panic. “I-It’s happy tears! Oh god, I’m actually happy! Give me a second…”

 

“Are you sure?” He sounded concerned.

 

I nodded rapidly, still unable to look at him, and I whispered, “I’ve been waiting for you to ask.”

 

“Really? For how long?”

 

“A while.” I sniffed. “I wasn’t sure when I could start calling you my boyfriend. But now I know.” I said all of this softly, but quickly. I wiped away my tears with my sweater sleeves and tried to compose myself.

 

“My girlfriend Bella,” Ethan mused as he reached over to play with my hair.

 

My heart wanted to fucking explode at the sound of him saying that. I had to force myself not to cry again, until he spoke again.

 

“Can I kiss you?”

 

Tears. Again.

 

“Ah, I’m sorry! I take it back!” he said hastily.

 

“Happy tears!” I reminded him. “Give me a minute, I’m fine I promise!”

 

Was I really so deprived of this kind of affection that it reduced me to tears? Yes. I also spent so much time thinking that Ethan was getting tired of me, that being proved wrong was just… quite the tear-jerker, to say the least. I just couldn’t believe it.

 

Finally, I sat up straight and looked directly at him. “Okay.”

 

His eyes widened slightly as he perked up. “Are you sure?”

 

I nodded, starting to lean in. All the air left my lungs when he did the same. I wanted to ramble in order to stall, but I couldn’t find it in me to diffuse the atmosphere this time. We were getting closer, I couldn’t stop it. He was moving in closer, and my heart was on overdrive.

 

Then it was happening.  _ Holy shit.  _ I was kissing him. I placed my hand on his shoulder, trying not to cling to his shirt like a lifeline. Everything was gentle. He was gentle. It was easy. I was melting into a gross, sappy puddle of emotions because of this guy. It was unreal.

 

I broke away from him, though, because the headlights of another car scared the shit out of me. I looked out the window behind Ethan, watching the vehicle drive past where we were parked. My heart was still racing, and my head was spinning. My focus was on Ethan, but I was still painfully aware of our surroundings. My car. Parking lot. I felt exposed.

 

“Are you okay?” he asked in a voice so gentle it almost made me want to cry again.

 

My eyes landed on his, and I realized we were still very close to each other. I nodded in response and tried to catch my breath, running my hand down his arm.

 

“My girlfriend Bella,” he said again, almost like he couldn’t believe it.

 

“Ethan,  _ mi novio,”  _ I replied, and then giggled. “I can’t say your name in Spanish, it’s weird.”

 

He grinned from ear to ear. It was contagious. He lifted his hand to move a strand of hair from my face, but then froze as his fingers softly grazed my cheek.

 

“I don’t wanna ruin your makeup,” he said timidly.

 

_ Dio mío. _ Boyfriend material.

 

“You’re allowed to,” I told him, taking his wrist and maneuvering it so his hand cupped my cheek. Thank god for good primers.

 

My gesture gave Ethan the confidence to cup both my cheeks. He squished them once and then kissed my nose. It made me want to squeal and flail.

 

Instead, I just kissed him again.

 

~

 

I drove Ethan home around one in the morning. Time just happened to slip away. Even after a couple of hours, I still felt like I was in the clouds.

 

As usual, I stopped somewhere down the street from his place. We had been quiet on the ride back, with the same song playing in the background. It was a thousand times more special now.

 

“What are you doing tomorrow?” he asked as he took off his seatbelt.

 

“Marching downtown,” I replied. “I was planning to get up early, but we’ll see what happens.”

 

“Oh, the Women’s March? I might be going to that too… with, uh, Mark and Tyler and them. Maybe I’ll see you there.”

 

I nodded. “Okay.”

 

“Okay,” he repeated. “Um… can I kiss you goodbye?”

 

The rush of gooey, gushy emotions wouldn’t stop. I granted my permission and he leaned in for a peck, much quicker than what we had done in the In-N-Out parking lot.

 

I missed him once he was gone. There was still a ghost of a smile on my face as I drove back home.


	7. Chapter 7

I didn't see Ethan at all the next day because I was knee deep in marching for basic human rights. The day after that, Ethan was busy at his place, prepping videos for an upcoming convention. He only had time to send one heart emoji in the span of a couple of days. **  
**

Now, my usual self would feel super discouraged because this was a new relationship and we were hardly talking to each other. But this wasn't your typical relationship. Our jobs were pretty demanding, especially Ethan's. I was trying to upload videos twice a week now, but he was uploading every day alongside working for Mark. I knew what this meant, and having the experience of dating in these circumstances made me deal with it a little better.

The biggest downside at the moment, though, was refraining from speaking about it in a video. I always tried to find something to ramble about when I filmed a tutorial, but the only topic in my head was my new relationship. Either that, or my depression, but there was nothing new to add there.

“I'm gonna do something simple, but different,” I said to the camera. “I used to do this in high school a lot - which reminds me, should I do one of those ‘how I did my makeup in high school’ looks? Let me know - anyway, we're making a wing from eyeshadow. I'm feeling fucking wild today, so we're using this.”

I held up a single, bright blue pigment that was cased in black packaging. I couldn't flat out say I had a boyfriend, but I could do things like this.

“All you'll need is your shadow, a liner brush and setting spray,” I explained. “This color is called ‘Paranoid.’ Just like me,” I added, smiling sarcastically. “Okay, but for real, the KVD single shadows are amazing for things like this.”

At first, I was joking about the “paranoid” comment, but after I had finished the video, I couldn't help but feel exactly that. It wasn't a secret to the Internet that Ethan and I knew each other. Some people from his community had migrated towards my channel recently, what if they found out he and I were dating now? What if they knew from a single eyeshadow? God, I could see the memes now: “remember when Bella outed her relationship with a blue shadow?”

Needless to say, I scrapped that video and started over. I used bright pink eyeshadow and talked about the Women's March. Had to act like I was single and sad.

~

I finally got to see Ethan the night before he left for PAX South. It was nearly our one week anniversary, and he was flying off to San Antonio the next day. Missing anniversaries and important dates were expected. I didn't mind, despite that I missed him every time we were apart. I know, how gross.

It was another car date. These were becoming a regular thing, and I liked it. There were plenty of drive-thru places around town. We just sat there, eating and listening to music.

“So when do we start telling people?” I asked in thought.

“Um, who knows right now?” Ethan replied. “Because I haven't told anyone, not even my parents.”

I wasn't sure what that meant. Although, I realized I didn't have many people to tell, or any. Was that sad?

“Well for me,” I told him, “Jack is probably the only person I have right now, and he already knows. But he won't say anything to anyone.”

“The only person?” Ethan asked. “What about Mark?”

I raised my eyebrows. “You sure you want him to know just yet?”

He hesitated and then shook his head. “Maybe later.”

I decided to change the subject. “So what classes did you pick for this semester?”

“Editing… lecture.” He shook his head like that was a ridiculous thing to say. “Video production… and biology. One of those things is not like the other.”

“Yeah, those general ed policies are kinda useless,” I said with a chuckle. “But I'm taking biology too, so maybe we'll have that class together. I also have psychology, video production, and I might try to crash a Spanish or LGBTQ+ class.”

“Hm, nice.”

Just then, Intertwined began to play on the radio. My heart fluttered, and I looked at Ethan, who had broke out a smile.

“Can’t believe it’s been almost a week,” I spoke. “And I haven’t seen you in almost week.”

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean for… I don’t know, I just got busy. And now I’m leaving for the weekend, too, and… agh, I’m sorry.”

I reached over and placed my hand on his arm. “Hey, it’s totally fine, I understand. There’s things that need to be done, things we both have to do. We just have to make time for each other. Besides, I’d rather see you once a week than not at all.”

Ethan slipped his hand into mine and nodded. “Okay. We’ll make time. Just… text me when I’m gone.”

“Okay.”

At that moment, I really just wanted to kiss him. I was looking at his face, and then his neck and down his chest. In the past, I usually tried to resist the indulgence, but now I really couldn’t help it. By the time my eyes were trailing back to his face, he caught me.

“What?” he asked.

My cheeks flushed. “You’re just really cute,” I admitted shyly.

Now Ethan was the one blushing. Seeing him sheepishly duck his head made me smile disgustingly huge.

“I’m not cute,” he mumbled. “I’m… a man.”

“Shut up, you’re adorable,” I told him, poking his cheek.

Ethan grabbed my wrist before I could retract it. He smiled and then kissed my hand. This was absolutely cheesy, but I was melting at the gesture. I felt like I was sixteen again.

~

Honestly, I expected complete silence from Ethan over the weekend. I was pleasantly surprised to find a text from him. It was a selfie with his friends, Brian and G.

_“They didn’t believe me when I told them we’re dating! :(“_

So he was telling people now. It made my stomach turn, because I knew that meant that I would have to meet them at one point. It also meant that there were more chances of this getting back to Mark before we were ready to tell him.

That was a conversation for another time, though.

_“Well duh! I’m not your actual girlfriend, you’re just paying me to hang out with you! :p”_

I giggled to myself, and even more when he responded again.

_“No one is supposed to know, though!”_

Having a constant smile on my face was something I wasn’t used to anymore. It was strange. I tried to hide my tiny grin as I met up with Jack by the front door.

“Can you believe the semester starts in two days?” he said as he opened the door to step outside.

“I know! We’re dying,” I replied, following his trail. But I suddenly stopped when I felt drops of water hitting the top of my head.

I looked up and saw nothing but grey clouds to accompany the bitter and cold air. Any attempts I had made to hide my cheesy smile disappeared as I continued walking to my car. Once we were in, engine on, I adjusted the volume on the radio. I bopped my head to the song playing and then took off down the street. Things felt… not so terrible, for once. Wasn’t sure if I should get comfortable with it just yet.

At one point during the ride, I noticed Jack looking at me. When I reached a stoplight, I returned the gaze. “Can I help you?”

“You’re singing again,” he pointed out in a teasing voice.

I didn’t notice until he had said that, and all I did was shrug in response. “So?”

“You seem… less down,” he said. “That’s all. It’s different, I like it.”

Don’t overthink it. But I thought I was always singing. Wasn’t F.U. by Little Mix something I always belted out in the car? The only thing I had noticed about myself was the fact that every time I thought about Ethan, I couldn’t stop smiling.

This month started badly, but it felt like things were starting to look up.

At least, I thought that. We got to campus - or, rather, we were down the street from YouTube University, stuck in a line of cars. I was so used to driving here without traffic issues, I had forgotten it was moving day for most of the student body.

“Are they still doing schedule handouts in front of the fountain?” Jack wondered. “Because I do not want to stand in those fucking lines again.”

“You and me both,” I replied.

A knot was forming in my stomach as the line of cars moved forward. I didn’t want to stand in a crowd of loud, pushy people. With how insane vlogger mentality had gotten over time, I was terrified of stepping foot on campus. I had heard horror stories from Aria, of how people would sneak her and her ex-boyfriend into vlogs. I was afraid of stepping on campus with Jack now.

As soon as the thought hit me, guilt covered the knot in my stomach. Did I really have any other choice, though?

“Hey, why don’t you get off here while I find a parking space?” I offered as we got closer to the roundabout in front of the office.

Jack was surprised. “Uh, are you sure?”

“Yeah, I mean… you said you wanted to get recording as soon as possible today, right?” I tried to sound casual and calm.

“Well, yeah, but are you gonna be okay by yourself?”

Probably not, but why would I tell him that? “Yeah, I’ll meet you back at your dorm.”

“Are you sure?”

“We’re missing the roundabout! Line is moving!”

“Okay!” Jack quickly grabbed his backpack and got out of the car.

I took a deep breath as soon as he was gone. I also tried not to regret making him leave. I tried to ignore how vulnerable I felt now that I was alone. New generation vloggers were scary. Big crowds were scary. My best friend/safe buddy was a comfort, but he was also hard to miss, which gave a bigger chance of people approaching and possibly vlogging him.

Finding a place to park was hell, as always. But as soon as the car was stationary, I found myself not wanting to get out. I suddenly felt like I was twenty two again. First semester, fearing the unknown so badly it made me vomit. The only difference now is 1) I had a friend waiting for me, and 2) I was trying to fight off the unnecessary suicidal thoughts. Or, “intrusive” thoughts, to make them seem less daunting. They were just thoughts after all, and those were far less intense than actually acting them out.

I nodded to myself and pushed myself out of the vehicle. So far, I hadn’t seen anyone I knew. I put my hood on for good measure, hiding my pink hair inside my sweater. It was an odd comfort to be covered and concealed by a huge piece of fabric.

As I got closer to the building, I heard music booming from within the campus. I knew YTU was a party school, I just didn’t think it would happen so soon.

However, once I was past the office doors (swimming past groups of people), I saw that it wasn’t a party, but the dance team. It appeared to be the same group I had seen perform on stage a year prior, and I couldn’t help but smile. I hadn’t seen Sophie and Aria since that day in my apartment, and they looked ecstatic and graceful performing in front of the fountain. It was actually impressive, given that the ground was slippery from the rain. The whole team held their ground.

A crowd was forming around them, blocking my view from where I was standing. I wanted to get closer, but I hesitated. Did I want to risk crowding myself to see Sophie and Aria, or did I want to risk looking like a bad friend and walking away? I took a few steps closer to the source of the sound, not really watching where I was going until I practically ran into someone.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry!” I frantically said, nearly scared out of my wits.

“It’s okay,” replied a familiar voice.

It was Amy. I was already mildly distressed. Now, I could feel myself short circuiting.

She seemed just as surprised that I was here. Instead of just shrugging it off and moving along, we stood there staring at each other in shock. Why was she here, if not with Mark? That had to be why she was here, right?

_Think later,_ I reminded myself. Then I turned on my heel to go to the boys’ dorms, until:

“Bella, wait!”

Fuck.

Hesitating at first, I turned to her again, trying to keep the fear out of my eyes. Panic was crashing into my like a tidal wave.

“Can we talk sometime?” she asked.

_If you want to punch me in the fucking face for talking to your boyfriend, then just do it! Knock me unconscious!_  I wanted to say.

“W-Why?” I stammered out instead.

Amy hesitated, but then took a step closer to me.  “Mark wants you back in his life. I think we have some things to talk about too, if that’s gonna happen.”

This wasn’t helping at all. She somehow picked up on it.

“It’s nothing bad, don’t worry,” she added. “Just… at one point, we should… meet up, over coffee?”

_I’m making amends with Mark, not you,_  I thought bitterly.  _But if I’m going to be friends with him again, then you’ll be apart of the mix regardless._

“Okay,” I said softly.

“Okay, great,” she said, looking like a weight was lifted off her shoulders. The air was still pretty awkward, though. “Keep your… Twitter open.”

My head was spinning wildly by the time I made it to Jack’s dorm.

~

_“Don’t I look dreamy when I sleep?”_

Attached was a rather interesting picture of a sleeping Ethan, although he didn’t exactly look asleep. His head was shoved into a pillow, and his eyes were half open. It was a little shocking, to say the least.

_“Hermoso,”_  I replied with some heart eyes. Then I sent,  _“When do you come back? I miss your dumb face.”_

_“Later tonight. I miss your dumb stupid face too.”_

_“You missed the first day of the semester! D:”_

_“I know lol luckily my classes start tomorrow! And I can see you tomorrow too :D”_

_“Excited ♥”_


	8. Chapter 8

“I have a question,” Ethan prompted one night when I had picked him up from campus.

 

Four words that immediately made me want to shit myself. But it’s Ethan, so I tried to silence the string of worrisome thoughts in my head.

 

“Okay.”

 

“How come you never let me drive?” he asked.

 

It was bound to happen. I had rehearsed telling him before, but I couldn’t do it. I mean I could, I just sounded irrational and dumb.

 

“Um…” Good start, Bella. “It’s a thing…” Even better. “And anxiety thing. I just get really, really on edge when other people drive. I don’t know why.” That’s a fucking lie, I know damn well what causes that specific anxiety, but it was for another conversation. “I just, I have to always be driving.”

 

He didn’t say anything at first. My stomach began flipping over. Now I’ve done it. I was too insane for him. This is where it ends.

 

“I’m sorry,” he spoke at last. “Could you repeat that?”

 

Oh.

 

“I get nervous when other people drive,” I said. Short and sweet.

 

“Can I ask why?”

 

“Anxiety’s a bitch. But being the driver keeps me calm, so…”

 

Ethan hummed. “So… I could never drive you to, like, a surprise date or anything?”

 

My heart ached a little bit. I shrugged in response. “I don’t know.”

 

“Hm. Well, that’s okay. Whatever makes you comfortable.” He paused. “Can I ask another question?”

 

I chuckled out of nerves. “Okay.”

 

“Do you care… or, does it matter to you…” He paused again. “Uh… words, I know those. Um, does it matter that we, uh, only go on dates when we’re in the car? Or, wait no - does it bother you that we don’t go on, um, fancy dates?”

 

“Well,” I started, “I think any amount of time we spend alone together counts as a date. And no, I’m not really bothered by what we do or where we go as long as we’re together.”

 

“Aww…” he sounded reassured, but then he was quiet again. “It’s just that… when I was at PAX, and I told my friends about us, they - well, we always make fun of each other ‘cause we’re all idiots - but uh… what was I saying? Fuck!”

 

“You told your friends about us,” I reminded him.

 

“Oh yeah! Oh…” Ethan perked up for a second but then was timid again. “They just said some stuff about not knowing how to show a girl a good time, and… Well, it doesn’t matter what we do, I like spending time with you. I just wanted to, uh, know if we’re, uh… on the same page.”

 

Again, my heart was doing crazy things. For some reason, I didn’t think he cared about my thoughts on our time together. I was happy to do whatever he wanted, honestly.

 

“We are,” I reassured. “Like I said, I don’t care what we do as long as we’re together.”

 

“What about your anxiety?”

 

I hesitated. “Okay, there’s some things we can’t do, or…” Now I was struggling with my words. I was now debating whether or not I could try things with him that normally scared me, like going to a restaurant, the movies, or even sex. Oh god, is there the possibility of us having sex? “But, um, I’m fine with us having car dates. I just wanna spend time with you.” Nice save.

 

Ethan reached over and squeezed my shoulder. The touch was random, but I liked it.

 

“Did your friends say anything about us?” I asked, because it was going to bug me along with the other intimacy crap circulating my mind.

 

“Oh, they’re glad I finally hired someone to be my girlfriend,” he casually said. “Which reminds me, I need to talk to you about your paycheck.”

 

“Oh yeah, if I’m putting in all these night shifts, I expect to be paid extra,” I told him.

 

He giggled and played with a strand of my hair. “I picked the right girl.”

 

I blushed as I pulled into a drive-thru. “Yes, I like having you as my fake boyfriend who pays me to hang out with him.”

 

We got food and I parked in a more secluded area of the lot. It was a quarter to nine, so there was still some commotion around the place. I preferred the small space of my car to a crowded restaurant anyway.

 

“What does Sean think of us?” Ethan asked after a while.

 

“He was happy when I told him,” I replied. “But I think he wants to give you like a ‘dad talk’ or something.” The thought made me chuckle.

 

“What did he say?” He sounded amused.

 

“Something about me being his ‘blossoming flower’ and that you better be good to me ‘or else.’ Dad stuff. Just wait til he sees you on campus or something.” I shrugged it off as I giggled.

 

“That’ll be fun.”

 

We went silent as we ate, letting the night sink in. I wasn’t thinking too hard about anything I had said to Ethan all night. It felt easy for the most part. Things felt calmer with him, that was the difference between this relationship and my past ones.

 

“So,” Ethan spoke up again, “is Jack like… your dad…? Or, a brother?”

 

I took a sip of my drink and thought about it. “I don’t know, actually. He’s family to me. Most times he’s my brother. Sometimes, he’s the dad… other times he’s the cool aunt, or a distant cousin. I don’t know. He’s my best friend.”

 

He hummed in response. “That’s nice.”

 

I wanted to say that Jack was probably my strongest reason to stay alive in the last few months, but it was probably too soon for all that dark stuff to arise. Well, despite the fact that Ethan had already seen me in one of my lowest points, which made me think even more. Were we going to pretend like my intervention never happened?

 

A pang of anxiety went through my chest. I took a deep breath, actually trying to remember what I learned in therapy. New relationship. We weren’t going to talk about everything within the first couple of weeks. These things take time.

 

“Do you have a best friend?” I asked him.

 

He sat up, a bit more excited now. “Yeah! She’s back home in Maine, so I haven’t seen her in a while. Oh! But she’s the best, I’ve known her since…”

 

I listened as he gushed about this girl. I wondered if that was how I looked and sounded when I spoke of Jack. Still, I listened, glad to be knowing about my boyfriend’s other friends. But in the back of my head, I still had a feeling of impending doom over the possibility of meeting all the people that were important to him. It was bound to happen.

 

Naturally, after who-knows-how-long of sharing friend stories, we stopped talking. We were looking at each other the way they do in those gross romantic movies. I had gotten pepped up and excited over his gushing so I was in a good mood now.

 

“You’re so pretty,” Ethan mumbled. He was twiddling a long strand of my hair between his fingers. He was doing that more and more often these days.

 

“No, you,” I said back, booping his nose.

 

He hummed and brushed the end of my hair against my cheek. I couldn’t help but grin like a doofus. Then, he started to lean in, making butterflies explode in my stomach. Ethan’s hand then suddenly moved to the base of my neck as he pulled me in for a kiss.

 

My hand flew to his arms, mildly startled by the gesture. But I didn’t want to stop. I tried to move closer, but the space between our seats was making things difficult. I pulled back, and the air was suddenly heightened. How far was this going to go? We were in the car, in a public place.

 

“You wanna go to the back?” Ethan softly asked.

 

Jesus Christ, how could I say no to that voice?

 

I nodded and went first. As I climbed to the backseat, I felt that bundle of anxiety develop in my chest again. Oh god, not now. I could push through it.

 

Ethan quickly joined me, pausing for a moment when he was sat next to me. The longer we sat in silence, the more the feelings in my chest and throat intensified. I quickly leaned in and kissed him again, trying not to throw myself all over him. No need to rush things.

 

It was comfortable. I liked the feeling of him kissing me and biting my lip. Getting kissed by Ethan was something I didn’t know I needed. I shyly placed my hand on the side of his neck, scooting just a little closer to him. His hand moved from my waist to the inner part of my thigh.

 

That’s when I couldn’t ignore the anxiety anymore.

 

When I pulled back, I gasped for air. I didn’t remove myself from Ethan completely though, but my sudden move did startle him. My heart was pounding, but I couldn’t tell if it was good or bad. My breathing was short, but I wasn’t sure if it was from making out with him, or because I was about to spiral.

 

“Hey,” Ethan said, lifting my chin. He stroked my cheek with his thumb. “Everything okay?”   
  


“It’s…” I breathed out, “it’s been a while. I’m… I’m just nervous.”

 

“It’s okay, me too. Look.” Ethan leaned back and held his hand up; It was trembling. “You’re not alone here.”

 

That was soothing. I sighed, somewhat relieved.

 

“I wasn’t really expecting to go… all the way, anyway,” he continued as he sat back. “I’m sorry if I rushed anything.”

 

I shook my head, trying to keep my thoughts in order. “No, no, you didn’t do anything. My… my brain wants to fuck me over sometimes. It’s not you at all. I liked it, I liked y-you… touching my thigh… I’m just, my brain… my brain…”

 

Ethan took my shaky hand in his. “It’s okay. I understand. We can go slower if you want.”

 

It was reassuring. He was doing everything right. Still, I couldn’t help the guilt and embarrassment.

 

“You shouldn’t have to deal with this,” I told him, leaning back against the window.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“My anxiety.”

 

“I’ve known about it from the start. I knew that things like this were going to happen.”

 

“But it’s worse than just this,” I said. “I have full blown panic attacks where I literally think I’m dying. I could probably never go to a movie theatre, or any place that’s crowded because it triggers the attacks. I could never let you drive. Sometimes I’ll even throw up because the anxiety is so intense.”

 

“So how do I help you?” he asked. “What helps you when you’re having a panic attack?”

 

I looked at him, mildly surprised. “I… Talk to me about literally anything, it’s distracting and it helps. I usually need water… and remind me to breathe every so often. Don’t count how long I breathe, it makes me feel weird. My hand tingles too, um, holding it and squeezing actually helps.”

 

He did it right as I said it. The feeling was strangely calming.

 

“That’s the only touch I can handle when I’m in the middle of it,” I continued. “So, no hugs or back rubbing. Um… that’s most of it, I think. B-But, don’t feel obligated to help me at all, I can usually power through it on my own, you really don’t have to-”

 

“Babe.” Ethan hesitated. “If I can call you that… I’m here for you. I will help you in whatever way I can. Okay?”

 

I looked down at our intertwined fingers. “You can call me whatever you want.”

 

“Alright then, shithead. I’m here for you, okay?”

 

I lied my head on his shoulder to hide the tiny grin. “Whatever you say, fuckface.”

 

~

 

My semester at YTU wasn’t as busy as I had anticipated. Only three days into it, I couldn’t help but feel like I should have been doing something more. Jack was busy with classes from eight to two, and then recording until the late evening. Ethan’s class schedule was a bit more scattered, so in between lectures he was at Mark’s office, and then recording for his own channel.

 

All I could do was wait. I had an hour or two to kill between my second and third class. I got a text from Sophie, inviting me over to her dorm. Knee jerk reaction: Ignore the text. Slightly rationalized reaction: make up an excuse. Even more rationalized:  _ do it because you have nothing better to do! _

 

I did go, after arguing with myself for a good ten minutes in my car. I had only been to the girls’ dorms a couple of times, and it was in fact Sophie’s room I had been to. Luckily, she never changed rooms in the time she’s been on campus, so I would be going to a familiar setting.

 

Aria was there too. Better her than a complete stranger. The air wasn’t as tense as I had feared it would be. I hadn’t spoken to either of them since that day in my apartment.

 

“So how’ve you been?” asked Aria who was plopped down on Sophie’s perfectly made bed.

 

“She means generally,” added the blonde, who was working at her desk. Then, she almost dramatically turned in her chair to face me. “Unless you wanna talk about anything?”

 

I refrained from rolling my eyes. She was trying, I suppose.

 

“I’m fine, really,” I told both girls. Kinda wanted to tell them I had a boyfriend now, but I didn’t really trust either of them. “Things are fine. What about you guys?”

 

Aria rolled over and began rambling. “Okay, so we’re working on another show for the team, ad we need more sponsors and new routines. And we also need a wider music variety because we used a lot of the same artist last show. Oh! And we’re opening up auditions again soon - do you wanna try out for the team?”

 

“Uh, I don’t dance,” I replied simply.

 

“That’s true,” Sophie piped up. Thanks. “She’s a singer.”

 

“Oh, you should totally sing with us at the Friday show!” Aria exclaimed.

 

“I-I’ve done that before,” I told her. “I’m… trying not to take on too much at once.”

 

“Yeah, we sang together like… what was it? A year, or two ago?” Sophie added.

 

That was true. During my second semester, I sang a Taylor Swift cover at one of the infamous Friday talent shows. Apart from the video that was taken that night, I didn’t remember any of it. Whether it was the intense nerves or the alcohol, it was a blank in my head.

 

I stuck around with the two girls until I had to leave for my next class. After that, I sat in a semi-crowded classroom for two hours without crying. Then I went to Jack’s dorm and waited for him to finish recording. By the time we were leaving for dinner, I got a text from Mark who wanted to meet at the end of the week.

 

Right. Things were better between us. I had mentioned the small interaction I had with Amy on Moving Day, and he liked the idea of us meeting up on our own. That day was still yet to come, but it was sitting in the back of my head like a bomb waiting to go off.


	9. Chapter 9

“Run that by me again?”  I asked, shocked.

 

Mark was a little taken aback at my outburst. “I want you to be involved in this project. You’ll get to work with all of us. You’ve been… an inspiration to me. I understand it sounds a little-”

 

“Invasive,” I finished, folding my arms. “You’re basing your alter ego, one that your fans worship, off of my personal struggles, and-”

 

“That’s why I’m giving you control over that particular thing. You can’t expect me to call off this project, there’s already so much that’s gone into it!” Mark argued. “And you’re the one who inspired a majority of what this ego is! Don’t you remember you telling me your ideas a couple years ago?”

 

“I was drunk and destructive!” I shot back. I paced his living room, fuming. “That was me venting, that wasn’t for your creative process! God, I should have known! This was why you started talking to me again, right? You just wanted something from me!”

 

“Now hold on-”

 

“You were just manipulating me! And I fell for it,  _ como una pinche pendeja! No lo puedo creer!” _

 

“Listen to me!” Mark snapped, his voice booming. Then he brought it down a notch. “If you don’t want to be involved in this project, then fine. It’s going to happen with or without you. But I have never tried to manipulate you into anything! I promise you, I would never do something like that.”

 

I didn’t say anything to that. My defensiveness only rose higher. He had to be lying. He brought me back into his life just as he started working on this project that included the alter ego that was the representation of my dark and intrusive thoughts. That had to be the only reason why he contacted me.

 

“Alright, you know what?” Mark spitefully said. “Wait until the videos come out. You’ll see what manipulation is. You’ll see the difference between me and whatever you’re feeling right now.”

 

Rolling my eyes, I grabbed my purse and left his house. I couldn’t believe how stupid I was to fall for any of this. He just needed me for something, and then he would leave again. He didn’t want to be friends again. Why would he want to be friends with me?

 

I came home to an empty apartment. I didn’t have any classes to keep me busy today, and the only two people I talked to had their own things to worry about. I was alone again.

 

But then I thought about Ethan. He was apart of Mark’s big project. Was he apart of the “Manipulating Bella” plan? Did Mark tell Ethan to pretend to date me to let my guard down, just so Mark could sneak in and take more away from me? Was that all I was to them?

 

My phone was pulled out of my pocket, and I was typing a frantic message to Ethan as I paced around the living room.  _ “I know what you’re doing and I’m not stupid enough to fall for it! Mark already told me what was going on and what he wanted from me! Never talk to me-” _

 

Suddenly, I stopped typing. Was I going to dump him so abruptly? Over a text?

 

_ That’s what he deserves,  _ said the bad voice in my head.

 

Does he, though? Did this really make any sense?

 

Quickly, I backspaced and wrote out a different message.  _ “Do you actually like me?”  _ Too desperate, try again.  _ “What do you think of me?”  _ That’s better. I hesitated for a moment before sending it.

 

The time it took for him to reply went agonizingly slow. I continued pacing and rubbing my hands together, and then nearly screamed when someone knocked on the door. I had a fleeting moment of sheer panic, but then the lightbulb going off in my head made me relax again. But then I wanted to smack myself in the forehead. Ethan was supposed to come over today. That meant we were going to have quite the conversation.

 

“Did you get my text?” was the first thing I said to him. My mind was starting to spiral, and I had to come back to earth before I impulsively dumped him.

 

“Um, yeah. I’m glad I came over, actually,” he replied, entering the vicinity. “Is everything okay?”

 

There were so many things I was feeling, I couldn't put any of them into a coherent sentence. I couldn't lie and say I was fine, either. Ethan had already seen my text, and I couldn't keep the worried look off my face. I walked towards the living room with him following after me.

 

“So what do you think of me?” I asked, but then I had to explain. “I know I probably sound insane and I'm sorry, but I'm… I feel like…” I paused, not know which emotion to express. “I feel like I'm freaking out over nothing?”

 

He looked worried, but also confused. “Um… did something happen?”

 

This wasn't helping. “Do you still like me?”

 

“Yeah, of course,” he said without hesitating.

 

“Why?”

 

He shrugged lightly, like this was no big deal to him. “‘Cause… you get me. And you're funny and talented and… you're patient with me. I don't know, it's not coming out the way it is in my head. There's a lot of reasons.”

 

I nodded. I knew he had trouble getting his words together. I knew that feeling all too well. “Can you… tell me I'm being paranoid?”

 

“You're being paranoid,” he said like it was a question. “Bella, what happened?”

 

Now I was hesitating. A huge ball of emotion and tears were stuck in my throat. I needed someone to tell me that I was being stupid, that the anxiety was playing with me again, because I couldn’t trust myself to calm down alone. Ethan was here, and he wasn’t scared off yet.

 

I sighed, and then I explained what went down with Mark earlier in the day. Somehow, I didn’t cry, but my speech was shaky and frantic. “...a-and you work for him, and I had a moment of…”

 

“You think I would manipulate you?” he finished in disbelief. “I’d never do that, I promise.”

 

“Promise is a big word that adds pressure,” I said.

 

“Well… I would never do anything to hurt you. You gotta trust me.”

 

Trust? Don’t know her. Don’t like her… but I have to play nice with her. No more shutting people out. I talked about this so I could feel better and come to some sort of solution.

 

I nodded lightly. “I’m trying.”

 

“Okay. Trying counts as progress.” He paused. “I… I know things like this aren’t easy for you… but I’m glad you were able to tell me.”

 

What is it about Ethan that makes these things less difficult? A year ago, I could barely tell Mark what I wanted for dinner, much less be intimate with him. Maybe things were better off this way.

 

~

 

A few days later, it was Jack’s birthday. I had gotten him a bundle of Overwatch merch (like he needed more) and then… we went to Mark’s house for a little celebration. The only reason why I went was because it’s my best friend, and I reminded myself of the time he ditched his other friends at Thanksgiving because of me. Also, Ethan was there. So were Tyler, Kathryn, and Amy. To them, I was only there because of Jack, but it wasn’t as awkward as I had anticipated.

 

“Did you have a good birthday?” I asked once we were back in the car.

 

“Yeah,” Jack replied, still high from the euphoria and the drinks he had. “It was fun. Were you okay? I noticed you didn’t drink at all.”

 

“I had to drive,” I said. “And I did this for you. Plus, I didn’t have a panic attack, so that’s cool.”

 

“It was a great day!” Jack cheered, throwing his arms up. “Let’s get ice cream!”

 

I giggled. “Whatever the birthday boy wants.”

 

“In that case, let’s also get a yacht and twelve puppies!”

 

After going to a Sonic drive-thru, I took us home. It was late in the evening, and I was mildly exhausted from all the interaction. But Jack was still a bundle of energy, like always. When we sat on the couch, I took out my phone and posted an old selfie of us on Instagram with a heartfelt happy birthday caption. I hadn't checked my social media all day, but I could guess that I was probably getting yelled at for not publicly wishing my friend a happy birthday. 

 

“So how was it pretending not to be Ethan's girlfriend?” asked that particular friend.

 

“Easy, because you were there,” I replied, still scrolling on my phone.

 

“Why didn't you guys tell everyone? It seemed like the perfect time,” Jack mused. “They were all there.”

 

I chuckled. “I'm not stealing your thunder on your birthday.”

 

“I wouldn't have minded! Now you guys have to pretend to not be dating when we're all together for a weekend,” he said.

 

That was true. Another thing that happened at the party was Mark, Tyler, and Ethan's idea for all of us to take a trip to the Grand Canyon at the end of the month. Don't get me wrong, I was still salty at Mark about the Darkiplier thing. If it wasn't for Ethan and Jack, then I would have turned down the trip. A weekend with the friends Mark abandoned me for? It sounded like a nightmare. But I was trying to be a bigger, stronger person.

 

“Hmm, do you think Mark would be mad if I told him about me and Ethan?” I wondered, leaning back so I was slouching.

 

Jack thought about it. “Well, he was mad when he found out you and I were friends, and we didn’t even try to hide that.”

 

I chewed my lip nervously. “Oh man. And you guys aren’t as close anymore because of that?”

 

“I wouldn’t say that. He threw a party for me, and we had a good time. Sometimes friends grow distant for a little bit. And besides… he hurt you pretty bad. But time goes on.”

 

After all this time, I still didn’t understand how Jack picked me over Mark, but I didn’t feel like getting into that. My mind was too clogged up for any more overthinking. I was already less sad about life and being alive, I didn’t want to soil it with my own intrusive thoughts.

 

We continued on with the week, already accustomed to our YTU schedules. Awake and out of the house by seven. Drop off Jack. Go back home and sleep. Breakfast is optional. Seeing the boyfriend is also optional. Classes from twelve to four. Dinner by six. Spend the rest of the day with either the bestie or the boyfriend.

 

One day, though, I got out of my psych lecture when Ethan had some downtime. We met up on the courtyard and walked around the area, keeping a decent distance apart. There were lurkers and gossip channels all over. Not that anyone paid any attention to us, I was just mildly paranoid. Plus, on some gossip channels, I was still painted as ‘Markiplier’s Crazy Ex-Girlfriend,’ so that’s fun.

 

“Have you made any new friends?” I asked as we strolled by the fountain.

 

“Yeah, I talk to some people in my classes,” he replied. “Well, in one class. I have Mark and Amy in video production and bio.”

 

“Cool,” I said, even though I was surprised to hear about those two. Didn’t know Mark decided to come back, and to bring his non-YouTuber girlfriend with him. “My biology class requires group work, and I’m trying really hard not to drop the course.”

 

“Aw, no. Do you talk to anyone at all?”

 

I shook my head. “I could literally be failing the class and I won’t ask for help or anything.”

 

“Whoa… wait. So, being in a room full of people is really stressful for you, right?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“So then… why did you enroll here in the first place?”

 

There was a huge story behind that, but I stuck with the short answer. “My followers.”

 

I stopped in my tracks when my phone rang. My stomach sank when I discovered a new Twitter DM from someone named ‘Peebles.’ Oh crap, today’s the day.

 

“So, um,” I said to Ethan, unable to tear my eyes away from the screen, “did I tell you that Amy wanted to meet up with me?”

 

“Really?” he asked, surprised. “Now?”

 

I nodded, reading over the message. “She wants to meet at The Tube in about an hour.”

 

“Are you nervous?”

 

“Always.”

 

“Hey,” Ethan said, putting his hand on my shoulder, “it’ll be okay. I know Amy, she’s really cool once you get to know her. And she’s really nice, and she’s probably just as nervous as you are.”

 

I took a deep breath. “Okay. Okay… it’s fine. This is fine.”

 

“Do you need a distraction or something?”

 

“Yes please.”

 

“Wanna drop me off at the office?”

 

It was a good idea. Driving took my mind off of things. Although, it was a fairly short ride from campus to the office, and Ethan had to get out of the car quickly just in case the blonde alien lady left the building. Although, he did quickly duck back in to kiss me goodbye, and then he went on his way to the office.

 

Getting to The Tube was a bit more stressful, because I didn’t have anyone to talk me down from the oncoming anxiety attack. I was in the parking lot, trying not to hyperventilate. I should have suggested another place to meet up, given that this particular diner didn’t have a nice place in my history. But I was here now, and I couldn’t back out. It would only make things worse.

 

We met up and sat at a booth. Thankfully, it wasn’t so busy at this hour. Nerves were still pretty high, though. She ordered a coffee, and I stuck with water.

 

“Sorry I took a while to contact you,” she began. “So much has been going on, there’s this project we’re all working on. It’s taking up a lot of time.”

 

“Yeah, I heard,” I told her. “Mark was telling me some stuff about it.” And I turned into a mega-bitch, which I was sure he told Amy about.

 

She nodded. “Yeah… um, how often do you talk to him?”

 

The reason why we were here: Mark. I shoved my hands under my thighs to keep them from shaking, but then my whole body began to tremble. I made myself rigid to keep myself still. The last thing I need is for my physiological symptoms to show and freak her out.

 

“Usually, once a week,” I replied. “But he’s been busy, so…”

 

“And you guys talk about… the past?”

 

I shrugged. “Yeah. Mistakes we made, moving on. I kind of assumed that he had told you.”

 

“Yeah, he tells me some things. I know it’s between you guys, so I try not to butt in. I know he’s doing this so he and I can have a better relationship.” She paused. “And he wants to be friends with you.”

 

“That’s because we were friends before we dated,” I said.

 

“I know. He would talk about you… like, when we first met.”

 

Blood began pounding in my ears. If I had eaten anything at all today, I would have thrown it back up. I couldn’t even drink my water.

 

“He never told me about you,” I softly admitted. “I never knew you existed until he broke up with me.”

 

Amy’s face fell a little. She leaned back in her seat and stayed quiet.

 

“I-I mean,” I went on, trying to fill the silence, “it was… it was random, I guess. He very recently told me how long he had known you and I… I suppose it made sense, given how the last couple of months of our relationship were. I don’t know, I just wish I had known about you sooner. Maybe things would have been different. I mean, it still would have hurt, but maybe I wouldn’t have tried to kill myself, I don’t know-”

 

“Whoa, wait,” Amy suddenly said, sounding concerned and shocked. “What do you mean you tried to kill yourself?”

 

My eyes widened. For a second, I stayed frozen in my position, my mouth agape. “He never told you?”

 

“No? Oh my god…” Amy trailed off. “I’m… was it because of him, or us?”

 

Here we go. Time to hold her hand and not make her feel like a total asshole.

 

“No,” I replied, but then again I couldn’t lie. “Not necessarily. I’ve had my fair share of bad shit happen, along with my disorders... and for a while, Mark was giving me hope and strength. Then he was gone. But I’m not blaming my shitty mental health on him or your relationship with him. I think…” I sighed as I came to a conclusion that I had to admit. “I think I had it coming with or without the breakup.”

 

Amy sat there, still looking very distressed and caught off guard. “I-I’m so sorry. I had no idea that happened.”

 

“Really?” I asked, now confused. “I mean, well, I told him not to tell anyone when it happened, but I assumed that you would have been the exception. Where did you think he was when he disappeared for a couple of weeks?”

 

“I was still living in Boston. All he told me was that he broke up with you, so I gave him some space until I moved here. I can’t believe he never told me.”

 

I hesitated. “That’s on me. I asked him to keep it to himself. I realize now that that wasn’t the best idea.”

 

“Well, I imagine you were in a really dark place,” Amy said solemnly. “It’s not an easy thing to talk about.”

 

I nodded. “Pretty much.”

 

The air was awkward all over again. If I had known that Amy never knew about my attempt, I would have kept my mouth shut. Now she knew things about me, personal things. I couldn’t help but feel exposed. It was worse knowing that I had exposed myself in front of the girl that Mark had left me for. It probably wasn’t surprising to her that Mark had decided to dump me.

 

“So, the Grand Canyon,” Amy said, changing the subject. “You’re really up for that?”

 

I nodded, despite that her change in tone only added to the nerves. Was it really a good idea for me to go? To all of ‘Teamiplier,’ I was the ex-girlfriend. I was sure to make everything uncomfortable. My presence in general was uncomfortable. Why did I agree to go on this trip?

 

“Okay, well I hope it’s fun for the both of us.” She smiled.

 

“Me too.” It’ll only be fun if I could be slightly intoxicated once we got to the park, but lord knows that won’t happen.

 

~

 

_ “Don’t freak out, and don’t get mad okay?”  _ read the text from Ethan.

 

Honestly, I had taken one step back into my apartment, ready to recover from the day I had. But no, I had to worry and stress even more, just because of the way my boyfriend had worded his text.

 

_ “What’s going on?”  _ I replied as I took deep breaths. He wouldn’t break up with me over a text, would he? He wouldn’t tell me anything really serious over a text, right?

 

Before I could pace in a frantic manner, I got another text.

 

_ “Kathryn knows about us. But she won’t tell anyone!” _

 

My eyes widened. I didn’t know how to form a coherent sentence, so I just smashed my keyboard and sent the jumble of letters to him. Then, before I could panic, I sent,  _ “How???” _

 

_ “Can I tell you over dinner?” _

 

_ “I have to know NOW otherwise I’ll lose my mind over it until I see you.” _

 

My stomach sank further. Any normal person wouldn’t get so twitchy and irrational over something like this. I was aware of this, yet I was still playing terrible scenarios in my head of Mark finding out and then firing Ethan. Or worse, Mark making Ethan choose between his relationship and his career. Oh god, would I be able to handle that?

 

Ding!

 

_ “I had on lip gloss… from when you kissed me in the car… She kept asking about it, so I told her about us and I made her not tell anyone!” _

 

Well shit. This was my fault. I was going to be the reason why we were exposed before we were ready.

 

_ “FUCK,”  _ I typed.  _ “Are you sure she won’t say anything? Did she say anything else?” _

 

_ “I promise she won’t tell. She’s my friend, I swear she’s cool. Look, can I come over? Idk if this is making you anxious, I wanna make sure you’re okay.” _

 

I sighed, now feeling guilty. I was losing my mind over this whether I liked it or not.

 

_ “I’m sorry I’m such a mess over this ugh,”  _ I sent.

 

_ “It’s okay, you’re my mess ❤” _


	10. Chapter 10

The ringing noise was hauntingly familiar. The strobe and 3D effects sent chills down my spine. The shakiness of the camera made my head spin. The words he was saying was the cherry on top of this unsettling experience.

 

_ “...and now I can take you where you’d like to go… I can especially take you places you don’t want to go…” _

 

“Jesus Christ,” I said when the scene changed to something more lighthearted.

 

“Is that what it feels like?” asked Mark, who was sitting in the car with me.

 

“Spot on,” I mumbled before playing the next video.

 

I ended up being stuck with Darkiplier for the rest of time. Go figure.

 

“I’m… impressed,” I told him after some silence.

 

“Yeah? You liked it?” Mark hopefully asked.

 

I nodded, feeling a bit mind blown at the whole thing. “I’m sorry I was so salty about it. You guys did a really good job.”

 

“Thank you. I wanted to do something like this for a long time, but I never had the funds or even a team to help. I’m really, really proud of the whole thing, and I’m glad you liked it. If we do anything like this again, I’d like for you to be apart of it. You could really contribute to the egos. You could even be apart of the team.”

 

Me? Being one of them? How would the fans take that? How could I work around my ex, my ex’s girlfriend, and my current boyfriend?

 

“Maybe,” I said.

 

Mark smiled. The moment was nice until he put his hands on the steering wheel. Then I remembered why we were in his car, and my stomach sank.

 

“You ready?” he asked, turning the engine over.

 

I placed my hands on the dash and inhaled deeply. “Go.”

 

He pulled out of the space in the YTU parking lot, and my breathing staggered. It could have been worse though, because Mark was the only person I have let drive before. I knew the feeling already, I just had to grow accustomed to it again, since he and I would be taking turns driving on the Grand Canyon trip.

 

I jumped every time he hit the brakes or turned a corner. To make things easy, Mark drove around the perimeter of the campus, keeping his speed at 15 miles or under. But the small traffic jams we got into didn’t ease my nerves.

 

“You okay?” he asked, glancing over at me.

 

“Mhm,” I strained out, trying to focus on the road ahead.

 

“Okay, we’re almost done. Focus on your breathing.”

 

That brought back a small flashback. Two years ago, exact same location. For once, it wasn’t painful to think about. The only thing that was painful was my chest from the distress of not driving.

 

He went back to the spot he had originally parked. Once the car was stationary again, I was able to physically relax. I sighed as I sat back in my seat.

 

“Think you can handle eight hours of that?” he asked me.

 

“We’ll find out when we get there,” I replied.

 

We got out of the car, into the cool afternoon air. I was coming back down from the anxiety a little quicker than normal. A few months ago, I wouldn’t have been able to do this, so I guess that was some improvement.

 

“What are your plans for the rest of the day?” Mark inquired as we walked towards the main office.

 

_ Valentine’s date with my boyfriend.  _ I couldn’t really say that, though. But I couldn’t lie, either.

 

“Class,” I replied. That was true.

 

Mark chuckled. “No dates? Are you even dating again?”

 

Fuck.

 

“Eh, whatever happens,” I said with a shrug.

 

He opened the door for me, and I tried to hide the red on my cheeks by flipping my hair to one side and letting it fall over part of my face. What if he knew and he was just testing me?

 

“Not even today?” he pressed. “The day of all days? The day dedicated to love and dating?”

 

I scoffed. “I was never crazy about Valentine’s Day.”

 

“That’s true.” He paused as he walked in step next to me. “So… you and Jack definitely aren’t dating?”

 

Should have seen that coming. Did I really have that much chemistry with the loud green man?

 

“We’re besties and nothing more,” I confirmed.

 

_ Now if you ask about your blue haired editor, that would be another story. _

 

~

 

That evening, Ethan and I didn’t have a car date. Instead, we went to the beach at sunset. I know, how cliche and disgusting, right? But it’s Valentine’s Day, and it was his idea, so it had to happen.

 

“Wait, stay right there,” Ethan said as he let go of my hand.

 

I did what I was told, despite being a little thrown off by his request. Ethan took out his phone and began taking out pictures. I turned my head away instinctively; I didn’t want to tell him to stop but I couldn’t help but feel insecure. My hair was all over the place because of the breeze, and my makeup was getting cakey from wearing it all day.

 

“Here, look,” he said as he approached me again. He swiped through the photos he took, all you could see was my silhouette and the orange sun setting in the background.

 

“Very Instagrammy,” I told him, feeling a little better. “Now let’s take a selfie.”

 

We faced the sunset for some light. It was more intense than anticipated, so we both ended up squinting for the picture, making exaggerated expressions. When we tried to take a decent picture, all I could do was just shut my eyes and hold up a peace sign.

 

“Perfect,” Ethan said when he was looking back at the photos. “I love that we made the same face.”

 

I smiled and rested my chin on his shoulder. Then I threw my arms around his middle, giving him a side hug. I didn’t think I would get a decent Valentine’s Day ever again. I didn’t think I would date again.

 

Ethan put his phone back in his pocket and then put his arm around me. “So I got you something.”

 

My heart jumped and my smile wouldn’t falter. “You didn’t have to!”

 

“I wanted to! Here-” He reached into his pocket with his free hand and pulled out a small figurine. “We spend a lot of time in your car, and I wanted to give you something that would, uh… it’s just… a thing for when I’m not there… you’ll, uh, remember me.”

 

He opened his hand, revealing a little plastic hula girl. A small thing that held so much meaning.

 

“Aw, I love her!” I cooed, scooping up the item. “That’s so sweet!”

 

“You really like it?”

 

“Of course I do!” I told him as I got on my toes and hugged him properly. When I let go, I took his hand. “Let’s go put her in my car! And I can give you your gift!”

 

I pulled his arm and we practically ran up to the parking lot. I unlocked the doors and we climbed inside. Then, I placed the little hula girl on the center of the dash, watching her shake from the motion.

 

“Look at her, she’s beautiful,” I mused before looking at Ethan.

 

I couldn’t help but stroke his cheek. He grinned at the gesture.

 

“I still can’t believe you’re my girlfriend,” he said softly. “It’s been... how long?”

 

“In six days, it’ll be one month,” I reminded him. Then, I leaned in to kiss him. It was sweet and chaste, but I cut it short. “Time for your gift. Get in the backseat.”

 

His eyes widened. “Where is this going?”

 

I hesitated and then nodded to the back, where my guitar was sat across the seat. “I’ve never sang to anyone, so…”

 

“Aw, Bella!”

 

“Okay, okay! Let’s go!”

 

We moved, being careful not to fall onto my guitar. Once we were settled, the nerves hit me like a bus. I held the instrument, but my torso began to tremble. Naturally, I began to stall.

 

“I don’t really have words to express anything I feel for you,” I told him. “So this is by no means an original song… i-it’s a One Direction song. And it made me think of you.”

 

He nodded and waited, a small smile on his face.

 

“Okay.” I took a deep breath and began strumming the soft tune.

 

_ “I wanna write you a song _

_ One as beautiful as you are sweet _

_ With just a hint of pain for the feeling that I get _

_ When you are gone _

_ I wanna write you a song” _

 

It wasn’t the bad kind of nerves this time. I could tell, because the impending doom wasn’t present. It also got easier to steady my voice as I continued the song. However, I could not look at Ethan’s face.

 

_ “Ooo, everything I need I get from you _

_ Ooo, giving back is all I wanna do” _

 

My fingers were steady, despite the combination of nerves and my rusty guitar skills. I would rather crap myself while singing than to come up with my own words of affection.

 

_ “I wanna write you a song _

_ Want to make your heart remember me _

_ So anytime I’m gone, you can listen to my voice _

_ And sing along _

_ I wanna write you a song” _

 

I strummed the last few chords and looked down at the space between us. The body shakes had returned, and it was a little harder to hid this time.

 

“Bella…” Ethan said affectionately. “Babe…”

 

He scooted closer to me and gently pried the guitar from my grasp. After putting it behind him against the door, he moved even closer to me and held me in his arms. Without even thinking about it, I hugged him around his waist and rested my cheek on his shoulder. I was trying very hard not to cry.

 

“Thank you so much,” he told me. “That was so nice, you’re so talented… are you shaking?”

 

I pulled back, blushing. “Nervous tick.”

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah, yeah. It’s nothing, it happens. I was nervous about this thing. I’ve never sang to anyone before.”

 

“Well, it was perfect. You’re really, really talented,” he said as he cupped my cheek. Then he pushed a strand of hair behind my ear. “Your hair’s getting curly.”

 

My smile fell. “What? Oh god, it was the beach.” I hastily pushed my long hair behind me and put it in a ponytail.

 

“It looks good, though,” Ethan reassured, sounding amused.

 

“There’s a reason why I straighten and curl it,” I replied, tightening the tail and letting it fall behind me. “Natural hair ain’t pretty.”

 

“You’re pretty no matter what.”

 

I wanted to roll my eyes and say something witty in return, but he had cupped my cheek again and started to lean in. I decided to shut up and let him kiss me.

 

It was easier than last time. The butterflies were there, and my head was spinning. But it was comfortable, and I liked it.

 

He slowly let his hand fall to my neck, like he was hesitating. I responded to that touch by running my hand down his jacket collar and giving a small tug. That made us migrate even closer to each other. Then he slid his down to my waist. We were fitting together like two puzzle pieces.

 

At one point, we pulled apart, but there was still minimal space between us. I didn’t want to stop, though; I kept looking down at his lips, trying to bring him close again. Ethan did lean in again after a breath or two, but he was using his whole body this time, and his hand went down to my thigh. My heart pounded as I leaned back against the door, pulling Ethan by his collar, and lifting my leg so it touch his hip. Then, I tried shifting so I could outstretch my other leg, but I accidentally kicked my guitar, which made a loud  _ bang! _

 

We both jumped at the loud noise. That was the slap I needed to remember where exactly I was. Car. Public place. A constant state of anxiety.

 

“Forgot that was there,” Ethan said with a small laugh.

 

“Yeah,” I breathed out, trying to come down from the bad adrenaline. “Leave it to me to scare the crap out of myself.”

 

“Are you okay?”

 

I nodded, and then sat up. “I can’t do this here. I can’t relax.”

 

“How come?”

 

I shrugged, looking around through the windows. “Too public. Too much commotion. What if we’re being watched?”

 

“Okay, let’s go somewhere else, then,” Ethan said.

 

“Is that okay, though? I’m sorry, I didn’t want to ruin the moment.”

 

“It’s totally okay, don’t worry,” he reassured. “We can go to my place! Or… no, we can’t. I live with Tyler, he doesn’t know about us.”

 

“We can go to mine?”

 

~

 

Almost as soon as I shut the door, Ethan wanted to take over. He grabbed my waist, but I quickly held my hand up to stop him. I had to make sure we were alone first.

 

“Jack?” I called, only to hear nothing but silence.

 

I leaned over so I could see into the bathroom. It was empty. Then I looked at Ethan with a smile. “All clear.”

 

He didn't even hesitate. He practically pushed me against the adjacent wall, kissing me on the mouth while I dropped my purse on the floor. The nerves were high tonight, and I was trying hard to make them feel like the good kind. I ran my fingers through his hair, down his neck, and pulling him by the shoulders. I wanted him to be even closer. 

 

My heart beat even faster when I felt his body press against mine. His hands were on my waist, bunching up my shirt with fervor. Then, he dragged one hand down my hip and to my thigh, bringing it up to hitch on his waist. I was breathing so hard I had to break our steamy kiss, and then I burst into nervous giggles.

 

“What is it?” he asked, breathless as well.

 

“Nothing, nothing,” I said between laughs. “Oh god, I'm just nervous, I'm sorry.”

 

Ethan nodded rapidly. “I know, babe, I am too. How far did you wanna go?”

 

Wow, what a question. I could still feel the dark, scary threat of a panic attack in the back of my head, but I didn’t want it to get in the way. We made it all the way back to my apartment, it couldn't end so quickly. I looked at my boyfriend, bringing my hand up to cup his cheek. God, he was so cute…

 

“Let's go…” I trailed off. The bedroom implied that we would go all the way. I had to take it down a notch. “...to the couch.”

 

He let go of me, took my hand and walked over to the said area. Things were more heightened than they should have been, given that we were still both fully clothed. Ethan took a seat. Then I inhaled deeply before straddling his lap.

 

Even then, he kept his hands firmly on my waist as I went to kiss him again. Given the new position, I was a little taller than him and I had to crane my neck to properly reach him. We sat like that, making out with our bodies pressed dangerously close together, until Ethan slipped the tips of his fingers underneath my shirt.

 

Almost like it was instinctive, my hand flew down to his wrist, and I broke away from him. I couldn't stop myself from speaking. 

 

“I have scars.” It came out very quick and jittery.

 

“What?” he asked, still breathless. 

 

“There's scars on my stomach,” I explained. “And on my thighs. They're from… the same day these happened.” I pulled back my sweater sleeve, showing him the white lines on my wrist. “It's just… I don't wanna get naked just yet. Not yet.”

 

Ethan nodded, moving his hand back over my shirt. “That's okay, it's okay.” Then leaned up and kissed my cheek. “Thank you for telling me,” he mumbled against my jaw.

 

I thought I had ruined the mood with my scar confession. But the heat I felt from the skin contact made those thoughts quiet down. My hands went back to Ethan's shoulders as he began to gently kiss my neck. The feeling made my fingers curl into his shirt, giving me the slight urge to take it off. But then again, if I wasn't getting naked, then neither was he.

 

He moved his lips lower, reaching the neckline on my shirt. I found myself silently begging for him to touch me, extending my chest slightly. Now I was glad I had worn a low cut shirt. My body was practically aching for him, something I hadn't felt in a long while.

 

Then he started sliding his hands up my torso while kissing back up to my jaw. My thighs clenched, but it didn't relieve the pressure due to how wide open my legs were. That is, until Ethan shifted his position slightly, and I felt his groin right on mine. I felt him bite harshly into my skin as we rocked together once.

 

“Not too hard,” I gasped out.

 

“Sorry,” he mumbled, his hands finally reaching my breasts. “Shit…”

 

I was shaking. I think he was too. Hesitantly, I rocked my hips again, pretending like I was trying to get comfortable. Ethan's head dropped down to my cleavage, hearing him breathe out in the way that told me he liked what I had done. His hands and mouth left me pleasantly surprised, and craving more, so I kept the motion going.

 

A groan left him, and he tilted his head back. He breathed out heavily, his chest heaving. Honestly, he never looked hotter. His eyes fluttered shut, and he grit his teeth at the feeling. I could have sat there looking at him all night.

 

Instead, I just leaned in and kissed his neck. Ethan wrapped his arms around my waist, feeling down to my butt. Breathing onto my shoulder, he pushed my hips forward and groaned again through grit teeth. I gently bit into his skin and moved my hips a little slower, wanting to hear more.

 

“God, you're killing me,” he whispered into my ear, reaching one hand around to grope my breast.

 

I didn't say anything, I just kept moving myself on him, wanting to see how far I could take it. Honestly… it didn't take that long. Within minutes, Ethan’s body went rigid, his face in my neck, and his fingers curling into whatever part of my body he was holding onto. I felt him breathe out heavily as he shuddered, and he stayed in that position for a good minute.

 

My face went even redder than it already was. This was the farthest I had gone with anyone in years. I couldn't even fathom the idea of anything like this happening without a panic attack getting in the way, but it just happened. It happened, and I liked it. I mean, it wasn't exactly going all the way, but it was far more intimate than I was used to… and I didn't panic.

 

Ethan began to kiss my neck again, and I couldn't help but smile from ear to ear. I didn't reach the point that he did, but I felt just as high. Maybe this meant something. Maybe this meant that I should keep him around, not that I wasn't going to before. I just felt a little more than happy that this happened without too much conflict.

 

“Hey,” I said softly, tapping his shoulder.

 

He leaned back to look at me. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes were glossed with satisfaction. It was the most endearing thing to me, so I kissed him again.


	11. Chapter 11

Despite the “driving lessons” I had done with Mark, I still found myself wide awake the night before the trip. I wouldn’t stop being anxious about it until it was actually happening. In a way, the insomnia was almost beneficial because by the time I had to be awake, I wasn’t even the slightest bit tired.

 

I got out of bed the second my alarm went off. My mind was buzzing with everything I had to get ready, so for a moment, I wasn’t entirely riddled with anxiety from head to toe. I made sure my clothes were packed, my sweaters were in place, and my bathroom necessities were in order. Then I stuck my head out there door and listened for commotion from my roommate. Once I heard footsteps and movements, I went to the bathroom to do my makeup.

 

Never thought I would make myself up at four in the morning. There’s a first time for everything, I suppose.

 

Somehow, I was still wide awake by the time I was ready to go. Jack, on the other hand, was quiet and grumpy for the entire ride to Mark’s house.

 

When we got there, I noticed an unfamiliar SUV parked in the driveway. Figured it was the rental we all pitched in for. Not long after I parked in front of the house, I saw another car creep up from behind. Tyler, Kathryn, and Ethan. More reasons to unintentionally stay awake all night.

 

“Morning guys,” Tyler greeted when we all got out of the cars.

 

We mumbled back a greeting. Jack was clearly sleepy, and I was in a bad mindset as always.

 

Just then, Mark and Amy came out of the house, rolling their luggage behind them. They both looked exhausted. After exchanging greetings, Mark unlocked the SUV and went to open the back compartment. Then, everyone began to load their luggage.

 

“You mind taking the first round?” Mark asked me after stowing his suitcase away.

 

“Not at all,” I replied, sounding unusually upbeat.

 

He noticed this. “Did you sleep at all?”

 

“Nope! Can I have the keys?” I smiled, holding my hand out.

 

Mark put the set in my hands with a look of uncertainty. “You gonna be okay?”

 

“Yes. No offense, but I look and feel more alive than the rest of you guys.” Fake it til you make it, right? Wide awake, but crying inside.

 

“You’re the pretty one of the group, so it’s no surprise,” added Ethan, who came up from behind me.

 

Mark scoffed and mumbled, “I’m prettier,” before going to help Amy with her luggage.

 

My heart rate accelerated for a split second. I looked at Ethan, wanting to scold him for making such a risky comment.

 

“Dude,” I said quietly. “We agreed.”

 

“I’m sorry,” he replied just as softly. Then he gestured for me to follow him off to the side. “I know we’re gonna tell everyone when we come back. But I’m really excited about it, and I don’t know if I’ll make it the whole weekend.”

 

“You have to,” I warned. “If Mark finds out on this trip and he takes it badly, then we’re stuck with him being angry all weekend.”

 

“I think he’ll take it well,” Ethan told me with a shrug. “But I’ll wait. I’ll stick to the plan.”

 

I nodded once. “Good.”

 

Before either of us could say anything else, someone joined the conversation. I jumped when a hand landed on my shoulder, fearing for a split second that we had been caught. But it was only Jack, who barely batted an eye at my physical reaction.

 

“We’re all ready to go,” he told us.

 

I shot one last look at Ethan before going to the vehicle.

 

I was driving for the first few hours. Mark was the passenger seat. Tyler, Amy, and Jack were in the backseat/middle row. Ethan and Kathryn sat in the very back, the third row. Eight hours with all of them. I took a deep breath and prayed to some higher entity that this would go well.

 

~

 

“Hey, can you pull over?” asked Tyler. “I’m feeling sick.”

 

“Oh, are you?” I replied, turning on the hazard lights and pulling to the side of the road.

 

It was a good three hours of silent driving. I had my music playing quietly so as not to disturb the sleeping team. The unfamiliar road had kept me distracted, as well as make me think of every Final Destination-related disaster scenario. But for the most part, my nerves weren’t too bothersome.

 

Once Tyler got out of the car, the rest of the group seemed to come back to life. Jack and Ethan stretched their arms upwards while Kathryn and Amy shifted in their seats.

 

“I’m getting coffee from the back,” Mark announced. “Anyone want anything?”

 

“I’ll go with you,” Jack said as he took off his seatbelt.

 

That prompted for all of us to get out of the car. I opened my door and extended my legs, making my knees pop. It felt good, but now that I wasn’t driving, the lack of sleep was hitting me.

 

“Baller, you want anything?” called Jack from the back of the car.

 

Coffee would be good. But if Mark took over and started driving, then coffee would be bad. I also definitely could not fall asleep while someone else was driving, though. I was fucked either way.

 

I got onto my feet and started to pace, trying to wake myself up. I blinked back the heaviness in my eyes and went to the trunk of the car.

 

“Water?” I asked, resisting the urge to yawn or rub my eyes.

 

Jack reached into the mini cooler and pulled out a water bottle. “You okay?”

 

“I’m on fire,” I replied.

 

“You want me to take over?” asked Mark.

 

I shook my head. “I can keep going.”

 

“You haven’t slept, though.”

 

“And I won’t until we get there.”

 

He looked at me for a second. “Yeah, I’m taking the next round. And Tyler’s gonna sit in the front since he’s sick.”

 

Suddenly, I wished this water was patron. Suddenly, I wanted to teleport to the Grand Canyon so I could fling myself off the edge. Here we fucking go.

 

“We’re gonna have a rowdy time in the back seat,” Ethan sarcastically said as he placed his hands on my shoulders.

 

“Yeah, we’re gonna party!” Jack added, bouncing on his feet.

 

Now everyone was more awake and alive than I was. It was daunting. I was starting to feel the dark storm cloud form above my head. It was getting out of my control.

 

After a few minutes of stretching and waking up, we all got back in the car. I was in the second row, in the window seat behind the driver. Everything started to feel like it was going in slow motion. I breathed rapidly, but not loudly, through my nose. I tensed visibly when the car started to move. I was also fighting off tears, and my heart was palpitating. I kind of wanted to die.

 

“Drink your water,” Jack gently reminded me.

 

I was petrified, though. I was too scared to move. My eyes just stayed glued to the crack between the side of the vehicle and the driver’s headrest, watching the road. Everything sounded muffled, but I did catch Ethan saying something to Jack. Then, I felt a hand go over mine, squeezing gently. I took Jack’s fingers and returned the pressure.

 

“Should we stop?” asked Mark, who had probably seen the gesture through the mirror.

 

I lightly shook my head. I didn't want to inconvenience anyone. I drove with Mark one-on-one for this very reason. I had to be capable. I had to control this in whatever way I could.

 

“What do you need?” Jack asked me.

 

I sighed heavily, thinking about what was bothering me. The constant sound of the wind hitting the car was particularly stressful.

 

“My headphones,” I said at last. “I left them in the glove department.”

 

He reached over and tapped Tyler on the shoulder. Then, he was passing over my black, sleek headphones.

 

“Anything else?” Jack prompted again.

 

I shook my head as I plugged the cord into my phone. Finally, I had music to distract me. I decided to make a playlist.

 

~

 

My appetite had gone as well. The next stop was at a McDonald’s in Needles, California. It was around ten in the morning by now, and everyone was tired of the granola bars from the back. I, on the other hand, could have lived off of those for the whole weekend. I just had to find my way around every meal.

 

“Are you getting anything?” asked Ethan when we were inside the establishment.

 

“Nah, I don’t really eat breakfast,” I replied. “I’m good on just coffee.”

 

“You sure?” he pressed, his voice slowing down, like he was carefully choosing his words.

 

He’s tiptoeing. I couldn’t blame him, but it still rubbed me the wrong way. I was perfectly capable.

 

I rolled my eyes. “I’m fine. I’ll be in the bathroom,” I said coldly before walking off.

  
As soon as I was alone, a wave of guilt went over me. I sighed and looked in the mirror. Then I distracted myself by touching up my makeup. I dug through my purse for my powder, but quickly grew frustrated and winded up dumping the contents onto the counter between the two sinks. Once I found what I was looking for, I heard one of the toilets flush and out came Amy from a stall. Great.

 

She didn’t pay any mind until she saw the mess I made. “Oh…”

 

“Sorry, my bag is an endless void,” I said as I gathered my stuff to one side.

 

“Relatable.” Amy chuckled as she turned on one sink. “Are you doing okay?”

 

Here we go again.

 

“I’m more okay when people don’t ask if I’m okay,” I replied, but then I felt bad. “Sorry, nothing against you. It’s just tiring when people treat you like a time bomb.”

 

“Gotcha. It’s just… your hands are shaking.”

 

I hadn’t noticed until she said it. I had to show that I was fine. “They always shake. Comes with the combination of mental illness and caffeine.”

 

“I thought you didn’t have any coffee, though.”

 

Shit.

 

I stayed quiet as I powdered the oily parts of my face.

 

~

 

I drove the rest of the way over there, and I chugged a coffee in order to stay awake. While I was jittery and hyperaware of my surroundings and the noise in my brain, my new car anxiety playlist helped diffuse it. Basically, I sang my freaking heart out for the last four hours.

 

After paying for parking and finding a space, we all went out into the bitter cold. Although, once I was outside, my legs ached with chills. I crossed my arms and joined the group at the trunk, where they were packing their backpacks with snacks and water.

 

“Forty degrees!” exclaimed Kathryn.

 

“Shit,” I breathed out.

 

“You good, Baller?” Jack asked, amused as he put his arm around me.

 

“Shouldn’t have worn leggings,” I replied, unconsciously huddling into his side.

 

“I have sweatpants, do you wanna borrow them?” Ethan offered. “You can wear them over your leggings.”

 

Oh god, he really wants to expose us, doesn’t he?

 

“Yeah, you’re not going to survive with one layer on your legs,” Mark added.

 

“I’m getting them,” Ethan concluded as he dug through the trunk for his suitcase.

 

“Fine,” I sighed.

 

Jack kept me in his embrace, and neither of us paid any mind until it was brought to attention.

 

“You guys dating?” Tyler asked as he put bottles of water into his backpack.

 

“No, we’re just close,” I replied.

 

“Um, sweetheart,” Jack said, sounding mock offended. “How long more are we going to hide our undying love for each other from our friends?”

 

I chuckled, but decided to play along. “Okay fine.” I turned to the group and took Jack’s hand. “We’ve eloped. We’re helplessly in love and we have three kids. The secret’s out, my legal name is now Bella Santiago-McLoughlin.”

 

“Oh, I hadn’t realized you were going to hyphenate,” Jack went on, still not sounding happy.

 

“Wow, congratulations,” Mark said with a laugh, but he didn’t seem too amused.

 

“Sweatpants!” announced Ethan, holding the article of clothing in the air. Then he handed them over to me.

 

I detached from my loving husband and took the pants from my boyfriend. When I put them on, I felt instantly better, from both the warmth and the fact that it was the first time wearing his clothes.

 

After that, we all ventured towards the Visitor Center, where there was a series of shuttle stops. Shuttles. To take us to various parts of the canyon. Public transportation. With other people. I looked down at my water bottle, hoping I could pull a Jesus and turn it into wine, or something stronger. Obviously, I couldn’t make the whole team walk around everywhere, I had no choice but to get on with them. Somehow I survived.

 

It wasn’t until after a first stop at one edge did I realize how high we were. We were dropped off at a ledge with very little people. There was a sign that explained some history on this section of the Grand Canyon, and a small barrier.

 

I pretended to focus on the sign while everyone else went to the fence. Ethan, Kathryn, and Tyler immediately started taking pictures with their phones. Mark, Amy, and Jack were just taking in the view. I took a picture of all of them, their backs to the camera, and posted it on Snapchat.  _ “When you’re too scared to look over the edge.” _

 

_ I wonder how many people killed themselves here.  _ Okay, edgelord. Come back to earth.  _ And leap over that fence.  _ Oh, fuck off.

 

By the time I worked up the courage to approach, the boys went further down the area, near some trees. So it was just me, Kathryn, and Amy. I was more focused on the view.

 

The Grand Canyon looked like a painting. The other end looked like a mural against a giant wall. I couldn’t really comprehend how huge this place was, nor how big the drop was. Somehow, it was less scary that way.

 

“I feel so small,” Kathryn commented, looking out at the view.

 

“Let’s take a selfie!” Amy suggested as she pulled out her phone. “I actually bought a selfie stick, and I gotta use it! Over here!”

 

She led us over to where the fence ended. Concrete turned to stone, and my heart rate spiked. I suddenly slowed my steps, hesitating while my mind got louder.

 

“Come on,” Kathryn coaxed as she took my wrist. “We’re all shitting our pants here. Let’s do this quickly.”

 

Amy put her phone on her selfie stick and then put on her sunglasses. “Smile!”

 

We were facing the sun with the canyon behind us. I shut my eyes, smiled wide, and held onto Kathryn’s arm for dear life. As soon as the picture was taken, we ran away from the edge like a bunch of maniacs.

 

It was a small thing, and a lot of people had the same fear of heights as I did, but I felt the slightest bit of pride once I had calmed down. I was very far from home, and I stood on the edge of one of the world’s biggest drops. I was experiencing a bad case of nerves, yes, but I hadn’t spiraled into a full blown panic attack. I was okay.

 

The three of us met up with the four boys in the roundabout. Then we went on another shuttle to a more isolated part of the area. There wasn’t a fence or railing of any kind here, which only made my intrusive thoughts louder.

 

“Oh, there’s a path we can take back to the Visitor Center,” said Tyler, who was reading a map. “It’s two miles.”

 

“Let’s go ‘splorin’!” Amy said excitedly.

 

So we did. We stayed in a group, with Mark and Tyler mostly leading the way. I stayed towards the back, just like at uni. The view was nice, there were red rocks and bluebirds everywhere. I wasn’t as cold anymore, now that I had been moving. My mind was less noisy as long as I didn’t look directly at the canyon.

 

“Whoa, there’s underground caves we can explore too!” Jack exclaimed. He was reading a pamphlet he got when we first arrived to the national park.

 

“Yikes,” I said in response.

 

That was enough for everyone to scrap the idea. Thank god.

 

Every now and again, we would stop at a particularly exciting ledge. Mark, Tyler, and Jack would stand at the very edge of the cliff for the thrill of it. Again, my mind was at full volume.  _ Please don’t jump off. Or do. That would be fun.  _ Shut up!

 

It was worse when Ethan decided to join them. He stepped through the mud, over to the wide open terrain. If I reacted, would I end up exposing us? I mean, he was a hair away from life and death, after all. It made sense, right?

 

“Mark, be careful!” Amy called.

 

Could I do that?

 

Ethan quickly turned and got away from the edge after a minute or so. “Nope!”

 

He was the only one to notice my sigh of relief, and I gave him a look. He responded by quickly squeezing my hand. What I needed was to hug him tight, but that couldn’t happen until later.

 

~

 

After the hike, we took another shuttle to one of the restaurants at the park. Now, I was hungry. I was starving, and it hurt. And I was very fucking tired.

 

Thankfully, it wasn’t busy when we got there. It was still a little too early for dinner. Once we were seated, I looked around for the bathroom. Then I looked for an emergency exit. They were right next to each other, towards the back of the restaurant. The tables surrounding those two doors were empty for now, so I had an easy getaway.

 

However, as time went on, the vicinity started to fill up. Things slowly started to get more and more hectic, and there was less and less space, making me feel cramped. I started to feel how I did in the car. The tables by the bathroom were getting occupied. Okay, I stood at the edge of a cliff today, yet a crowded restaurant was going to be the thing to break me.

 

I blacked out through dinner, so surely I didn’t burst into tears and ruin everything. Next thing I knew, we were on a shuttle back to the Visitor Center. I felt like I was a million miles away. I felt pins and needles in my hands and feet. The only time I made a coherent sentence was when I asked if I could drive to the hotel.

 

It was a shorter ride than I had anticipated. We checked in and got to our rooms, which were coincidentally on the same floor… right next door and across from each other. Jack and I roomed together. Ethan and Tyler were on the room to our left, Kathryn was across from us, and Mark and Amy were on our right. What a happy coincidence.

 

I knocked out almost as soon as I hit the bed. Being awake for thirty two consecutive hours had finally hit me. It was like my anxiety attack disappeared, and sleep took over.

 

When I woke up, there was someone next to me. Even in my groggy state, it startled me. I jumped and gasped, only to discover Ethan lying asleep next to me. Or… his eyes were half open, so I couldn’t really tell. I sat up on my elbows, looking at his face in thought. Suddenly, the picture he sent from PAX South made sense. I waved my hand in front of his face, which made him stir.

 

“Sorry,” I said gently. So he was asleep. Weird.

 

He groaned as he stretched his limbs, and then he swiftly rolled over and climbed over half my body. He lied his head on my chest and sleepily mumbled, “Titties…”

 

I chuckled and then quickly scanned the room. The other bed was empty, but I did hear the water running. “Is Jack here?”

 

“Showering,” Ethan replied, his cheek pressed rather painfully on my breast. Thankfully, he sat up. “I came to see you after we settled in, but you were asleep. So I decided to nap with you. Nap date!”

 

“Best date ever,” I said as I stroked the side of his face. “Good napping! Where does your roommate think you are?”

 

“Editing videos in the lobby,” he said, somewhat guilty. “But what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Anyway...” He moved a strand of hair from my face, his eyes trailing down my face. Then, he planted a soft kiss on my lips. “I wanted to do that all day.”

 

My face heated up at that. And all I wanted to do all day was pass out. What a good girlfriend I am.

 

Just then, we heard the bathroom door open. Ethan quickly rolled off of me right as Jack came around the corner. He caught wind of the tension though, like he had caught us doing something scandalous. 

 

“Don't worry, I'm on my way out,” he told us as went to his suitcase on his bed. 

 

“You don't have to leave,” I said.

 

“WiFi’s better in the lobby,” he replied. “I have some stuff to take care of.”

 

“Cool, have fun!” Ethan exclaimed.

 

Jack chuckled as he grabbed his laptop and slung his backpack over his shoulder. “All I ask is that you kids stay off my bed! And use protection!”

 

I groaned and rolled onto my front to hide how red my face had gone.

 

“Understood, Mr. Bella’s Dad, sir,” Ethan said.

 

I kept my face hidden until I heard Jack’s laughter go out the door. When I looked up, I found Ethan on his side, looking down at me. I smiled and reached for his hand.

 

“Thanks for letting me use your sweats today,” I told him. “You’ll never get them back.”

 

He chuckled. “I figured. Take care of them, they’re super comfortable.”

 

We hadn’t had a moment like this since Valentine’s Day. Even when we finally had a weekend off, we were still busy and had little time for each other. I knew I wouldn’t be able to relax here, knowing that we could get caught at any moment, but I did enjoy the time alone.

 

“How many layers are you wearing?” Ethan asked as he took the end of my sweater. “Aren’t you warm?”

 

He started to unzip me, and it felt a lot more intimate than it should have been. Then, he placed his hand inside my sweater, and leaning in to kiss my jaw. Of course, that all added to the angry bout of nerves tangled in my stomach. I was so anxious it actually hurt my lower abdomen.

 

Wait…

 

“Ethan,” I said, tapping his arm.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“I have to use the bathroom.”

 

He leaned back, a confused look on his face. But he let me go anyway. “Okay…”

 

I got up and dashed off to the small bathroom. Just as I had suspected, Mother Nature left me a present, and it made me groan in annoyance. Mildly embarrassed, I went back to the door and opened it a crack, peering my head out. “Ethan? Can you do me a favor?”

 

“What do you need?” he called back.

 

“There’s a bag in my suitcase,” I explained, internally cowering. “It’s black and has cats on it. Can you bring it?”

 

He did it without question. Surely he would know what was inside the bag just by looking at the design, right? I couldn’t help but feel embarrassed regardless, despite that this was a way to test him. He passed, he didn’t get squeamish or weird when I returned to bed curled up in a fetal position.

 

“Aww, is someone getting menstrual cramps?” he cooed as he came around to spoon me.

 

I groaned in response, wanting to sink into the mattress.

 

“Are you in a lot of pain? Do you need anything?” he asked, more concerned now.

 

“No,” I mumbled, turning over so I could curl into his chest. I felt really gross and uncomfortable now that the symptoms were kicking in. “I’m fine.”

 

My phone suddenly dinged, and I debated ignoring it this time. Ethan was stroking my hair and kissing the top of my head, and it was distracting. But it dinged a second time, and it made me turn to reach for it on the bedside table. Fuck, was I glad to read the texts from Jack.

 

_ “Idk how crazy you guys are getting, but Tyler’s looking for the blue boi!” _

 

_ “We’re going up there now! Put your clothes on! :p” _

 

Panic struck my chest. I quickly sat up and told Ethan what was going on, so we acted fast. I mean, I knew we weren’t doing anything of what Jack was poking fun at, but we still didn’t want to get caught cuddling alone on the bed. I had an idea, so I grabbed my skin care products and rushed him into the bathroom.

 

By the time Jack came back to the room with Tyler on his tail, they found me applying some black goop onto Ethan’s face.

 

“What are you doing here?” Tyler asked him.

 

“Face masks,” he replied simply. “Bella brought some stuff. You want in?”

 

I offered a smile as I evened out the stuff on his face with a brush. I would have put a mask on myself, but I didn’t have enough time to wash off my makeup. I could only hope it didn't seem inconspicuous. 

 

“No thank you,” Tyler replied. “I was gonna go get food and see if you wanted to come, but uh, I’ll go ask Kathryn.”

 

“Bring me something!” Ethan called after him as he left the room.

 

Jack waited until he heard the door shut. “Guys, I don’t like lying!”

 

“One more day!” I promised.

 

“Or, we could have told Tyler now and made him not tell anyone,” Ethan suggested.

 

“You really think he’d keep it from Mark?” Jack asked in disbelief. “He’s more loyal to him. And anyway, I don’t think Mark would really care that you guys are together.”

 

“That’s what I keep saying!” Ethan gave me a look.

 

“One more day!” I repeated.


	12. Chapter 12

The second and final day of the trip was less hectic. I actually slept this time, and I woke up at a more reasonable hour. My appetite was still gone, though, so I only lived on one cup of coffee. I could survive with just one. I’ve done it before.

 

We went back to the park, but stayed in the gift shops, where it was warm and a lot more relaxed than the many cliffs and long drops. I bought a pocket knife and warm gloves that worked on touchscreens. It was all I needed.

 

After that, we went on a walk in the bone shattering cold. Apparently, you could live on the Grand Canyon, as there was a small town somewhere in the woods. Houses, schools, stores, and farms were all over the place. It was a nice walk, we chatted and enjoyed the scenery. We stumbled across a mule farm, and crossed some train tracks to get back to the Visitor Center.

 

My mind did a mental record scratch upon seeing the old, rusty tracks. One step onto them, and I felt like I was sixteen years old. I didn't want to cross them because it would only bring back a lot of painful memories, but life has no trigger warnings. This was the only way to get back to the Visitor Center: crossing the tracks.

 

“Bella?”

 

I had stopped in the middle of the tracks. Nothing was coming to end my life, but there was a small part of me that wanted to wait, just in case. I was fixed on the distance, torn between wanting to wait and wanting to run until I was physically pulled away.

 

My eyes were glossed over and everything sounded muffled. Jack tried talking to me, but it felt like I had shut down, and I couldn't respond. I was sure I made myself look insane and suicidal. Might as well stay silent and scare them more. Clench jaw. Pick at nails. Try not to have a melt down.

 

Maybe being far away from home was messing with my head. Maybe coming here was a bad idea. Maybe I was never meant to function normally.

 

We began the journey home in the afternoon. I drove, probably after Jack convinced the others that I needed to drive in order to function again. Eventually, my focus on the road leaked into focusing on the conversations in the car. I glanced in the rear view mirror. Amy, Kathryn, Ethan: second row. Tyler, Jack: third row. Then I heard the music playing. Ironically, it was a song that hit home, and for some reason I couldn't stop myself from quietly singing it.

 

_ “All that I know is I don't know _

_ How to be something you miss _

_ Never thought we'd have a last kiss” _

 

“Look who's back,” Mark said gently. “You okay?”

 

“Yeah,” I replied softly.

 

“So…” he trailed off, and I noticed everyone else go silent. “You wanna talk about what happened back there?”

 

I scoffed. “I mean, I've freaked everyone out enough already.”

 

“We're more concerned than freaked out,” Ethan spoke. Of course he was listening. “You don't have to if you don't want to, obviously. But we're your friends, and we can listen.”

 

Logically, talking it out was supposed to help. Irrationally, I had to keep my guard up. I couldn’t trust these people. The odds were 50/50 here.

 

“Did anyone else think about how many people killed themselves at the Grand Canyon?” I asked, internally bracing myself.

 

“What?” Tyler asked in disbelief.

 

“Tyler!” Mark and Ethan snapped at the same time.

 

“Okay, forget I said anything!” I retracted with a nervous laugh.

 

“No, no, no!” Mark said, pointing a warning finger at me. “We’re talking about this! You’re doing good!”

 

“I looked it up,” Kathryn said. “It was… sixteen people.”

 

There’s the validation I needed. “Only sixteen? They’re probably hiding something.”

 

“It’s probably just off the edge,” Amy added. “I mean, we all saw the neighborhoods there. How many people ended their lives, like, in their bathrooms? Or on the train tracks?”

 

Tried it both ways myself. Still alive somehow.

 

There was a small, thoughtful wave of agreement in response to Amy. I kept thinking that it was going to be weird, that I was going to make things weird. But here we were, having a casual discussion about people killing themselves. Would I have been able to talk about this in the past?

 

“Sorry if I made things depressing,” I explained sheepishly. “It was, it was just an intrusive thought, and it kept bugging me.” That, and I was unexpectedly reminded of the time I drove to the train tracks by my house and sat on them until I chickened out. After that, I went home and cut my hair instead of my veins.

 

“Hey, you’re opening up,” Jack told me from the very back. “It’s a good thing.”

 

The sad song that was playing now ended, and in came a Fall Out Boy song. I didn’t think too much of it until I heard three gasps from the back seat. One look in the mirror showed Amy, Kathryn, and Ethan with excited looks on their faces.

 

“Turn it up!” Amy exclaimed.

 

I did, surprised. The three of them belted out the lyrics to  _ Save Rock and Roll.  _ Finally, some common ground. I saw Tyler and Jack dancing in their seats, even Mark was bopping his head. It was honestly a relief to see that they liked at least one thing I listened to.

 

Even after that song, Amy lit up at the fact that I listened to Ed Sheeran’s new singles. Even Mark liked them, much to my surprise.

 

“I love the nostalgia,” he commented. “It makes me think of my own hometown.”

 

Must be nice.

 

“I just like singing it,” I said in response.

 

Mark chuckled. “So you don’t think of the place you grew up in?”

 

“It does, but then I remember that I left all the bad stuff there, so it’s not exactly a pleasant string of thoughts.”

 

“Well, memories are a mix of good and bad. You gotta have at least one good thing about where you came from.” Then, he perked up  _ como se  _ _ prendió el foco. _ “Everyone has to share one good memory from their hometown.”

 

“Oo, I got one!” Jack piped up. “I used to climb all the trees around my house and pretend I was Spider-Man!”

 

“Nice, anyone else?” Mark asked.

 

“Driving with my friends to Boston,” Ethan added.

 

“That’s not your hometown, though!”

 

“It counts,” I said, trying not to sound defensive. “It’s a memory, it counts.”

 

Mark playfully rolled his eyes. “Okay. Who’s next?”

 

“A lot of mine involved you,” Tyler said. “There’s too many to pick.”

 

Again, must be nice.

 

“I liked Christmas time where I lived,” Amy chimed in. “Family time was always fun.”

 

Can’t relate.

 

“Me too,” Kathryn agreed. “Now that I live far from my family, I really miss it.”

 

Might as well look into the camera like I’m in  _ The Office. _

 

“I liked graduating high school,” I said simply.

 

I could see Mark smile from the corner of my eye. I was pretty sure he was the only one who knew why I liked that particular memory. I never told Jack, surprisingly, and I definitely had no plans to tell Ethan either.

 

That thought was cut off by Mark and I gasping at the song that played next. My hand immediately went to his arm, like it was an instinct, and I glanced at him with a smile. He returned the expression and then we both went to turn up the volume. Our hands touched, and suddenly I was taken out of the car and thrown back into 2015. Mark would listen to me sing, and out of all the songs I showed him, this was the one to stick.

 

_ “So you can keep me _

_ Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans _

_ Holding me close until our eyes meet _

_ You won’t ever be alone _

_ Wait for me to come home” _

 

It still had a great deal of meaning, all of it came rushing back as the song played. Our romantic relationship was a closed chapter, and I wasn’t so focused on the end of it anymore. Mark brought a lot of good into my life, I had to admit that. If I hadn’t met him, where would I be?

 

We sang together. That was what I wanted for over a year. I finally got it, I finally heard our voices meld together, and I enjoyed it. He sang one part of a verse while I took on the next. For some reason, this meant more than the time we planned to sing for my channel.

 

_ “When I’m away, I will remember how you kissed me _

_ Under the lamp post back on Sixth Street _

_ Hearing you whisper through the phone _

_ Wait for me to come home” _

 

There was a nice moment of silence. My smile didn’t seem to falter. I could have gone as far to say that it was peaceful. Then, just as the next song began,

 

“So… Bella’s my girlfriend.”

 

Moment. Gone. What is peace? What is good? I sure as hell don’t know!

 

“What?” Mark asked as he turned down the volume and looked back. “What did you say?”

 

No, don’t do it.

 

“Bella and I are dating now,” Ethan calmly replied.

 

The silence that came after that could have crushed me like a bug. I was curling into myself before I could stop it. I felt my brain spark like it was short circuiting. This was not happening.

 

“Since when?” Mark sounded completely dumbfounded, like he had been smacked.

 

“Since January twentieth.”

 

“We’re doing this  _ now?”  _ I blurted out, my voice unnaturally raised.

 

“Wait, wait,” Tyler spoke up. “So you’ve been going out with Bella every night? That’s why you’re never home anymore?”

 

“Yup, I’ve been seeing her,” Ethan replied like nothing was wrong.

 

Another silence. I wanted to swerve into a semi if it meant avoiding this.

 

“How long were you waiting to tell us?” Mark was watching me.

 

Now I had an answer. “Well, we wanted to tell you, specifically, ‘cause like, I dated you and now I’m dating Ethan, and we weren’t sure if it was gonna be weird, and we were supposed to do this when we were back home! We made a plan! But y’know! Here we are now!” My voice went up an octave with every word.

 

“Okay, take it easy,” Mark told me. “Nothing is wrong. It’s… it’s cool that you guys are together.”

 

“Why didn’t I see that coming?” Amy wondered. “You guys actually seem like a decent fit.”

 

“So who else knew about this?” her boyfriend asked mock-seriously as he looked at everyone in the back. “Who was in cahoots with these two?”

 

“You know I knew about all of this,” Jack said. “I mean I live with her! Of course I knew!”

 

“Guilty,” Kathryn added.

 

“I live with Ethan and I had no idea!” Tyler said with a laugh.

 

Everything felt wrong! I felt exposed! I felt betrayed! Worse, I felt betrayed by my own boyfriend!

 

“I told you they’d take it well,” Ethan said to me.

 

I stayed quiet and chewed the inside of my lip.

 

“Bella?”

 

Nope.

 

“She said you guys made a plan?” Mark said, looking back at the traitor.

 

“Yeah, we were going to wait until we got home. I don’t know, I just decided to drop the bomb now. Let everyone know at once.”

 

“I see. Well, uh, stick to the plan next time. Just a word of advice.”

 

“Is she mad at me?”

 

“It’s just… y’know, the anxiety.”

 

“Yup,” I finally spoke. “Listen to the Bella Expert. He’ll tell you all about my irrationality.”

 

“Bella!” Jack said in a warning tone.

 

“What did I do?” Ethan asked.

 

“We had a plan!” I snapped, now angry. “How am I supposed to trust you if you can’t do this one thing?”

 

“Hey, hey, take it easy!” Mark tried to reassure. “Here’s what’s going to happen-”

 

“No!” I interrupted. “New plan: I’m not going to the office with you guys.”

 

“Bella-”

 

“I’m going to your house, I’m going to put my stuff in my car, and I’m going home. No one is going to follow me, and no one will contact me.”

 

“Bella, please-” Ethan tried.

 

“Especially you.”

 

Needless to say, the rest of the ride was silent, apart from the music playing on the radio.

 

~

 

“Okay, I was a little jealous that you were singing with her,” Ethan admitted, a range of emotions going through his chest. “So I said we're dating and… now she's mad at me! I didn't think she would get mad!”

 

“That’s the thing with Bella,” Mark explained, sounding exasperated, “if something goes against the plan, she shuts down. She avoids the situation and gets irrational. You can’t let her do that.”

 

Ethan sat there, trying to keep his cool, trying to control his impulse. He didn’t like that Mark was telling him how to handle his girlfriend. Like Bella had implied, he was no expert. But then again, Mark has dated his girlfriend. If there was one way to find out about her, then it was through her ex. It was the only option now that Bella had shut him out.

 

Somehow, he, Mark, Tyler, and Jack made it through filming some videos without letting the awkward tension leak on camera. Due to demands and deadlines, Ethan couldn’t afford to miss anything, despite that Mark said it was okay. If Ethan had left, he wouldn’t know what to do when he got to Bella’s place. She made it clear she didn’t want to be followed, what choice did he have? What other option was there than to talk to her ex-boyfriend?

 

“So what do I do, then?” he asked, finally turning around his chair, away from the computer.

 

Mark, now riled up from the fiasco in the car, let out a heavy sigh. He paced around the room, avoiding eye contact. “I asked her if she was seeing anyone and she lied to me. She can’t trust me as her friend, either.”

 

Ethan knew this was going to go sourly the minute the words had come out of his mouth. There was a part of him that wanted to be optimistic, but he knew. He knew and he still did it. He might as well pack his bags and run back to Maine. He might as well leave Bella… No, he couldn’t do that. He wasn’t going to be forced into choosing between his career and his relationship.

 

“You have to be patient with her,” Jack suddenly spoke up from the doorway. “Trust me, if you just sit with her quietly, she’ll eventually talk to you. She might be a little passive aggressive at first, but if she really cares, you’ll get through to her.”

 

_ How have they never dated?  _ Ethan wondered, but he knew better than to say that out loud.

 

Mark was looking at Jack incredulously, probably wondering the same thing. It didn’t seem like it was helping the tension.

 

“I live with her,” Jack told him, “and I know you hate to hear this, but I’ve spent more time with her than you ever have.”

 

“That’s not true,” he tried to rebuttal.

 

“It is. That’s something she would always tell me, and it really hurt her. I could go on, but it’s not about that right now,” Jack concluded, his voice firm. Then he went over and sat next to Ethan.

 

It was probably a bad way to think, but Ethan almost felt smug that Mark and Bella’s relationship wasn’t as picture perfect as he originally thought. This whole time, he had been thinking about how he could never get up to Mark’s level, that Mark probably made Bella way happier than he, Ethan, ever could. He saw evidence of that when they were singing in the car. But the fact that Jack just confirmed that that wasn’t the case… Was it bad to think this way?

 

“You know Bella has some issues,” Jack told him, “and I’m not saying that like she’s a car that needs to be repaired. She’s working on it, and she’s been getting better. I just think…” He trailed off, and looked back at Mark, unsure of what to say.

 

The room was still tense. Mark was standing at the desk opposite Jack and Ethan, watching them with utter guilt on his face. But then, he sighed and walked over to them. He sat down in one of the chairs by the monitors and looked directly at Ethan.

 

“After what I did to her,” he began, “don’t be surprised that she’s pushing you away. That she kicked you out of her home, that she questions everything you say and do, that she loses sleep over things like this. She thinks that people like her can’t have a happy ending. She thinks she’s not allowed to be happy. She thinks that she’s second or third or fourth priority, that she’s not important enough for you to make time for her. She thinks that her illness makes her unworthy and unlovable. I made her think that way, and I will spend the rest of my life regretting that.” Mark paused, looking down and squeezing his eyes shut before composing himself. “You need to prove to her that she can be loved unconditionally, because that’s what she deserves. You need to show her again and again that you are there for her and that you will not make her feel like a second priority.”

 

Ethan nodded, taking these words into consideration. “I’m trying. It’s hard, but I’m trying. I want to make her happy.”

 

“Hey, trust me dude,” Jack reassured, “you’ve made her really happy so far. And yes, she does take things to heart a lot, but that will make the good things that much better.”

 

Ethan liked hearing that, but he still felt a shred of doubt. “I want to help her… I can tell, she… she has a lot to talk about, but she won’t let me hear any of it. It feels like...”

 

“She sees you as the enemy,” Mark finished. “Yeah. Give it time, she will come around. When she cares about you, it shows. You just need to be ready for anything. Whether it’s a panic attack or a depressive episode, you have to be there, especially now that we all know what she’s capable of doing to herself.”

 

“But don’t treat her like a ticking time bomb, either,” Jack added. “She’s still a person. Oh, and don’t make any threesome jokes when talking about her sexuality. Don’t say it’s hot that she’s bi either. She hates that.”

 

“So just treat her like a normal person,” Ethan concluded. “And let her go at her own pace. I can do that.”

 

“You've got this,” Mark told him. “You're good to her. And… she doesn’t seem as down anymore, and now I think I know why.”

 

“Because she chose to work on herself,” Jack reminded him. “She needed a push from us, but she made the decision.”

 

The other two nodded in agreement. Then, Ethan looked at Mark and wondered for a second. “Why were you so okay with it when I told you? About me and Bella?”

 

“She tried to kill herself because of me. Who am I to tell her what she can and can't do?”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: suicide attempt

I heard Jack turning the lock on the front door after a few hours. Must’ve been a long collab. I didn’t move from the couch or give any reaction. I just kept staring at the thick, grey curtains covering the window ahead of me. It was like all motion had left my body, and I was nothing but a useless lump.

 

He would be able to talk me down from it in a minute. At least I could find comfort in that. Jack would either reassure me or snap me out of it, and then the problem would get resolved. It was getting easier to talk to him again, so I almost perked up when I heard footsteps. Finally, some time to vent.

 

The only problem? It wasn’t Jack who had entered my apartment. It was Ethan. I took one glance at him before looking down again, my heart racing.

 

“Sean gave me his key,” he explained as he placed the small silver item on the coffee table. “He said you can yell at him later for that. Um… I’m just gonna…”

 

He sat down next to me, keeping a bit of space between us. That was all he did. He just sat there, and it quickly drove me insane. What was he waiting for? What did he want me to say?

 

I mean, my anger had certainly simmered down. The more I thought about it, the less sense it made. Why am I like this? Why did I take things so far? How the hell did I go from zero to a hundred?

 

“Okay!” I snapped, giving in. “I’m sorry.”

 

“Me too,” Ethan replied without missing a beat.

 

I paused for a second. “I trusted you!”

 

“I know. I should have waited. I wouldn’t have done it if I had known you were gonna get upset. And I’m sorry.” He paused and took a deep breath. He shifted in his seat and looked down. “But… you were singing with Mark, and you gave him this look… I know you said you’re over him, but I just thought… he could win you back if he wanted to. And then song you were singing didn’t help either!”

 

My heart ached. I hadn’t even thought about how Ethan, my boyfriend, would feel about seeing me with Mark, my ex-boyfriend. I knew we wouldn’t have been able to avoid that weird, awkward tension, how could I pretend that we could? I felt so guilty about sharing a nice moment with my ex, or for even letting him drive. I felt awful about making Ethan witness that, but at the same time, I didn’t think he would be afraid of losing me.

 

“And it’s not that I don’t want you to be friends with him,” he continued, still looking down at his hands. “I know he’s helped you through a lot, I just… I keep seeing him as your big, manly ex-boyfriend instead of our friend. And I felt like… like I couldn’t make you as happy as he did when he sang with you… I thought… he could ask you to be with him again, and you would do it.” He had been speaking quickly until the last bit, which only made my heart ache more.

 

“You think… I’d leave you for him?” I paraphrased, getting a minor flashback to last summer. Then I shifted so I was facing him, and I placed my hand over his. “First of all, he dumped me for Amy, so even if there was some reality where he wanted to get back together… I wouldn’t trust him. I did that once, and well… the way you found me when we first met was partly because of him. He hurt me pretty bad.”

 

Ethan considered my words. “So… why do you still want him in your life?”

 

“Because he and I have a history,” I explained. “He was the first friend I had made in a long time. He’s the one who pushed me to get into therapy. He’s the reason why I met Jack, and by extension, you. He’s the reason why you live here now. He’s changed both of our lives.”

 

“But you’re not in love with him?”

 

I shook my head. “Nope. I only have eyes for a dork with blue hair.”

 

“Well, he sounds like a fucking asshole,” Ethan said with a pitiful sigh. 

 

I chuckled. “He’s alright.” Then I changed the subject. “And listen, I’m sorry I snapped at you in the car. I overreacted, and I shouldn’t have.”

 

“I get why you did it, though. We made a plan and I went against it,” he said. “I won’t do anything like that again, I promise. Or, not promise. You said you didn’t like that. Just trust me.”

 

I hesitated. “If I trust you… you have to be honest with me.”

 

He nodded. “Okay. I can do that.”

 

“Even if you think it’s going to hurt me. You have to tell me if I’m being paranoid, or irrational,” I elaborated. “You also have to tell me if my makeup looks bad, but that’s beside the point. And I’ll do the same for you if you need me to.”

 

“Alright. Brutal honesty.”

 

“Brutal honesty.”

 

~

 

Everyone went into prep mode the day after returning from Arizona. Next weekend was the long awaited PAX East, and although it was only one weekend, it was long enough to make the guys go crazy with preparation. Ethan and Jack pretty much ditched classes (by “ditched” I mean, they got special slips that allowed them to skip classes for YouTube work) and locked themselves away in their recording spaces. Mark, on the other hand, wanted to see me.

 

I met up with him at the office, in the infamous white loft I was angry at a million years ago. Amy, Kathryn, and Tyler were there as well, doing their own things. All I knew was that this wasn’t another chat about our past. I didn’t know what it was about, and I kept it that way just to try to rationalize the unnecessary nerves. It took practice, right?

 

“So, I heard you worked things out with… your boyfriend,” Mark said shortly after I showed up. “Man, it's weird to think about that.”

 

“Yeah, everything's good now,” I told him. “I'm surprised he's not here, though.”

 

“He's recording at home for his own channel,” Mark said. “Figured since I have Kathryn here, I could let him off for this week.”

 

I nodded. “Cool. So… why'd you bring me here?”

 

He gestured for me to sit on the couch before starting. “Two things. One, though I might know the answer already: are you going to PAX?”

 

“I'm actually considering it,” I admitted. “Jack is able to take a guest, and I might be it.”

 

Mark raised his eyebrows, surprised. “Well, if you do go, then that's great! What's making you consider it?”

 

I shrugged. “I've missed out on a lot, and I wanna see if I can survive a plane ride and a hectic convention. Plus, it sucks being here alone when everyone else is having fun, and I'm kind of tired of it.”

 

“Well, that's good that you're taking the initiative. I'm proud of you. You're really changing for the better.”

 

Didn't notice until he said it. I skipped many events in the past due to crippling anxiety, and I didn't want to do that anymore. Why was the decision so easy all of a sudden?

 

“So the other thing I wanted to talk about,” Mark continued, “It's a bit… it's something, and it's entirely up to you.”

 

“Okay,” I said.

 

“How would you like to join the team?”

 

For a moment, I was speechless. I noticed the other three turn their heads, almost like they were waiting for an answer. The right answer.

 

“Like… help you make videos and shit?” I asked stupidly.

 

“Help me write sketches,” he told me. “Help me write a script for this tour we wanna do. Be an impartial judge in a Markiplier Makes video. There’s so much you could do!”

 

It was a lot to take in. I still wasn’t sure what to say.

 

“Remember when we had that discussion about the egos a really long time ago?” Mark asked. “We have the sources to make those real now! Again, that’s entirely up to you if you want to make that real, just… Join us. Tell me you want in. I talked about it with all of the guys, and they think you'll be a great addition. So what do you say?”

 

~

 

I eventually decided to go to PAX. The only way I could do that was by actually sedating myself on the plane. Helena recommended melatonin, a natural supplement that wasn't habit forming. That session was the last time I would see her until after returning from Boston. The only thing she didn't warn me about was the vivid dreams that melatonin sometimes caused.

 

When you're in a much deeper sleep than you're used to, your dreams can seem more real and more long lasting. My dream was actually something that had happened in my life. It was just what I needed.

 

_ Scissors in one hand, tequila in the other. I dropped the bottle and screamed in frustration as it shattered across the bathroom floor. Took the blade of the scissors to my stomach once, twice. Then to my thighs, really digging into the sensitive flesh with the tip of the blade. I dropped to my knees, more concerned with the fact that I couldn't get blackout drunk like I wanted. Finally, I took the scissors to my wrists. Cried some more. Blood was staining the floor. Pain was pulsing where I had cut. I just wanted it to be over. I would have swallowed the glass from the tequila bottle, had I not lost consciousness. _

 

I woke with a jolt. I was alone. Cold sweats. Racing heart.

 

Breathless, I jumped out of bed and went to Jack’s room. Before knocking, I turned towards the bathroom. No broken glass. No scissors. No bloodstains. After confirming that, I remembered that Jack was spending the night on campus, prepping.

 

I sat on the floor between his room and the bathroom, hugging my knees, and rocking back and forth.

 

Dreaming about killing myself or staying awake on a plane for five hours? Time to pick and choose my trauma.

 

~

 

“Oh my god, there's a Sephora!” I snapped, unnaturally jittery.

 

“You'd think you'd know the location of every Sephora ever,” joked Jack as we walked through the airport.

 

Yeah, I did it. I was inside LAX. I was, how you say, not okay by any means. My heart kept palpitating, I kept getting waves of nausea. I hadn't been able to take a proper deep breath all day. Seeing a store I was familiar with cushioned the blow a little bit.

 

“How much time do we have?” I asked.

 

“Uh, forty minutes,” Jack said, looking at his phone. “Ethan should meet with us soon, though.”

 

“You know where I'll be!” I told him before dashing off into the store, nearly dropping my backpack on the way.

 

For the first time today, I felt a little bit better. Shimmery pigments and pretty packaging were my salvation. I looked through as many brands as I could, swatching different products on my arm. I even purchased a few things for myself. It gave me something to look forward to when I'd be getting ready to hit the con.

 

Three hundred dollars later, I left the store and found Jack sat on a bench across the walkway. Ethan was at his side and they were both scrolling on their phones until they saw me approaching them. They noticed the black and white bag full to the brim hanging on my arm, which had strips of making going up and down the skin.

 

“I feel better now,” I told them, lying through my goddamn teeth. “But now I don't have any PAX money.”

 

“None of it?” Jack asked in surprise.

 

“Well, I have like, four dollars left,” I said, shrugging.

 

“I'll buy you whatever you want when we're over there,” Ethan told me. “Since you're doing this.”

 

I nodded, feeling myself slip away again. “Litty titty.”

 

That made them both giggle. Then they stood up and we all went to wait to board the plane. For the last twenty minutes, I made frequent trips to the bathroom, thinking that I was either going to throw up or shit myself. I couldn't tell what was anxiety and what wasn't anymore.

 

The last time I got out, we had to get on the plane. The rest of the team had met up with Ethan and Jack, and they gave me those… watchful glances. I mean, I wasn't okay at all, but that didn't mean they had to stare.

 

“Melatonin,” I mumbled as I grabbed my backpack.

 

“You're taking it now?” Ethan asked me as we walked towards the terminal.

 

“Fifteen minutes to kick in,” I said.  _ “Y luego, me voy.” _

 

“Dank.”

 

I dug through the smaller pockets on my backpack, searching for the little baggy of white, circular pills. When I didn't find it, my heart began to race. Where had they gone? I triple checked to make sure I didn't forget them. Had I lost them? I slowed my steps in the terminal, very quickly realizing what this meant.

 

“Baller?” Jack called, coming up from behind me. He put his hand on the small of my back. “You good?”

 

“Yeah,” I breathed out, deciding to go for plan B.

 

My seat was next to Jack. Ethan was a few rows ahead with Kathryn and Tyler. Mark and Amy were in the next aisle. The space was really small, so Jack let me sit in the aisle seat. Thank god.

 

I pulled a water bottle out of my backpack. Jack didn’t question it; He knew I liked to have water during times like these. Except I dumped the water and filled it with the last of the tequila I had stashed in my drawer at home. 

 

Given the state of mind I had been in the last few months, alcohol was strictly off limits. If I hadn't lost my melatonin, I would have been happy to dream about my suicide. I would have dreamt about it multiple times, because I already knew what that felt like, and I knew I had the ability to wake up and be comforted by my friend. But now I was left with no choice. I wouldn't be able to do this on my own, and Jack wasn't going to let me drink my fears away. So this is what I had to do.

 

Although, once the tequila hit my lips, I had to resist spitting it back out. It tasted like New Year's, when I took things overboard. I had a minor flashback of being in a club with sweaty, invasive strangers. Still, I needed it, so I put on a brave face and took a big gulp. That’s how I made it through the take-off. Then, when Jack was asleep, I caught the attention of a flight attendant. I asked for those mini liquor bottles and took down two shots of vodka. Or three. Or four.

 

I had quite the buzz shortly after. I was smiling stupidly and the music I was listening to was just so damn good. I decided that Ed Sheeran sounded better after a few drinks. So did Katelyn Tarver. It was all new music I was listening to, so my seat neighbors were spared from my beautiful singing voice. But the lyrics, though. Ouch.

 

_ “Knew one day you’d fall for someone new _

_ But if he breaks your heart like lovers do _

_ Just know that I’ll be waiting here for you” _

 

Tears came regardless, though. It wasn't because of the big, scary plane ride. It was because both artists I was listening to had songs that I needed when I was in a depressive episode. It was in that plane when I was listening to a song that perfectly described my breakup did I realize I wasn't really depressed anymore. I thought back to Suicidal, Heartbroken Bella Santiago and I just… ached. I felt for her. I mean, I still had major depressive disorder, but it had subsided over time. I was on a fucking plane.

 

_ “Promise I’ve already learned my lesson _

_ But right now I wanna be not okay” _

 

I kept that song on repeat. I had to be drunk in order to do this. Was that something to be proud of? Had I really made any progress at all?

 

~

 

“She’s staying with me.”

 

“Are you sure? Will you be able to take care of her?”

 

“Someone has to, since you couldn’t do it.”

 

“Dude…”

 

My tired body just leaned against the car door. I still had just enough in me to not care about the fact that I was not the driver, nor that Ethan was blaming Jack for my maladaptive behavior. I just want to get to bed and sleep. I wanted to die a little bit, too. Why couldn’t I have dreamt about my death?

 

I wasn’t sure when we got to the hotel. I just remembered Ethan holding my hand as he led me down a hallway, then throwing up somewhere that wasn’t the bathroom. Then I was sitting on the foot of the soft, white bed. I was watching Ethan covering up my pile of sick with some paper towels.

 

“You’re staring while I’m blinking,” I said softly. “Just don’t tell me what you see.”

 

He glanced up at me as he cleaned up my mess. “I just see that my girlfriend did a very bad thing on the plane.”

 

“I’m so over all this bad luck,” I mumbled, “hearing one more ‘keep your head up…’ It’s always gonna stay the same.”

 

“Don’t say that,” Ethan replied, though he didn’t sound optimistic. “We’ll talk about it in the morning, okay? You’re still… kinda drunk.”

 

“Let me just give up!” I whined. “Let me just let go! If this isn’t good for me, then I don’t wanna know!”

 

Ethan stood up and threw away the towels. “‘Kay, well, you sound like you’re speaking in lyrics. Maybe we should go to bed, yeah?” He came over and gently took my arms to help me stand.

 

“Let me just stop trying,” I said sadly. “Let me just stop fighting. I don’t want your good advice…”

 

“Bella, come on.”

 

“...or reasons why I’m alright. You don’t know what it’s like.”

 

He looked at me, confused. Then he led me over to the front of the bed and lied me down. “You’re okay. It doesn’t feel like it right now, but you’re okay.”

 

“You don’t know what it’s like…” I whispered. “You don’t know…”

 

“Apparently not.”

 

It was the first night I shared a bed with my boyfriend and I didn’t even spend it in the bed. Not long after turning the lights out, I went to the bathroom. I stayed there throughout the night, keeping the door locked so he wouldn’t come in and deal with me some more. Of course, he came knocking at one point, and by that time I was lying in the empty bathtub with a headache like a sad piece of shit. The door was right next to the tub, so I was able to reach the lock and let him in.

 

Ethan stepped inside, surprised to find me where I was. He was in his pajamas, looking sleepy and irritatingly adorable. I wanted to cuddle but I didn’t deserve it.

 

“What are you doing in there?” he asked, crouching down to my level.

 

“Waiting to puke again,” I replied, my voice raspy.

 

His fingers went through my hair. It was such an affectionate gesture, I didn’t understand it.

 

“Please don’t do that again,” he told me. “I know you can do better than this.”

 

I sighed. “I can’t do anything.”

 

“Yes you can. I know it’s hard. And you shouldn’t have drank, but at least you made it over here alive. We’ll work on it.”

 

“I’m sorry you have to see me like this. I’m sorry I threw up everywhere. I’m sorry…”

 

“It’s okay. Happens to all of us.” He reached for my hand and held it in his.

 

“And don’t be mad at Jack,” I added. “It’s not his fault I’m all fucked up.”

 

Ethan hesitated. “He was right next to you and he had no idea what you were doing.”

 

“Yeah, because I made it that way,” I clarified. “I hid tequila in a water bottle. And then he fell asleep. It’s not his job to take care of me. And it’s not your job either. Sure, you cleaned up my vomit and put me to bed, but it was my decision to get alcohol on the plane when I’m not supposed to be drinking, so… stop being nice to me.”

 

“Well…” he trailed off after some silence. “You’ve been throwing up all night, and you’re probably gonna have a pretty shitty hangover later, so I think that’s cruel enough.”

 

~

 

Needless to say, I had to stay in while Ethan and the team went to the beach later that morning. They were only a couple of hours away, and I had to nurse a hangover. I guess that was punishment enough. The only thing I could be grateful for while I sat feeling like shit in my hotel room was the fact that the convention didn’t start today.

 

Jack came over later in the afternoon, though. The last coherent conversation I had with him was before we got on the plane. I felt guilty the second I saw him in the doorway. Then I put my head down and stepped aside to let him in the room.

 

“I’m sorry about last night,” I began. “I should have told you how I was feeling. I shouldn’t have done what I did.”

 

“Yeah, you shouldn’t have,” he replied as he sat at the desk. “You’re supposed to stay away from alcohol. You’re supposed to be better than this.”

 

“It was just for the plane ride!” I justified.

 

Jack didn’t say anything at first. But then he sighed. “What are you gonna do when you’re at my panel? Or at Mark’s panel? What will you do when you’re at the main floor, surrounded by people?”

 

“I’ll manage,” I shrugged, though it did seem very daunting. “I came here to be supportive. And to conquer my fears.”

 

“You won’t conquer it by bottling it up and drinking! You need to talk to me! Or Ethan! He gave me so much shit last night!” Jack pinched the bridge of his nose. “And he was right, I should have been looking out for you.”

 

“I already talked to him,” I said softly. “It’s not your job to babysit me. I made the stupid decision and now I’m paying for it because you’re mad at me and my boyfriend is showing his friends around his hometown and I’m stuck here with a shitty ass hangover.”

 

“You can’t keep me in the dark,” Jack said, still not sounding happy. “You can’t avoid the problem and think that will fix anything. You can’t run forever and think it’s okay!”

 

“I know…”

 

There was a pause. A voice in my head was telling me that Jack hated me, but I tried not to listen.

 

“I don’t mean to snap at you,” he told me after a while. “It’s just… I found out something that I probably shouldn’t have.”

 

“What?” I asked.

 

“Signe’s here.”


	14. Chapter 14

Friday was PAX day one. You would think I’d be the one doing panels and meetups, given the amount of nerves I was feeling. I woke up from a shitty sleep, and the only reason why I got up was because I saw the sun peeking through the curtains. That, and Ethan’s sleeping face was too comical.

 

Thankfully, things weren’t tense with us after my plane adventure. He was too sweet about it, which made me feel guilty. I really didn’t deserve someone like him. Even while sober, I got emotional over how much better I felt recently. I mean, despite the plane ride. The only difference was that I could push down the unnecessary tears for another time. I had to get ready for the day.

 

As soon as I started moving around in bed, Ethan stirred in his sleep. His arms went around my waist and pulled me back in before I could make my escape. He held me in a side hug, nosing my neck and humming contently.

 

“Hi there,” I greeted, amused by his sudden moves.

 

“Hello,” he sleepily mumbled as he scooted closer to me. “You didn’t let me cuddle last night.”

 

“Oh, really?” I asked, genuinely confused. I knew I had fallen asleep before him, I just didn’t think I’d push him away. Even in my sleep, I had intimacy issues. “Um… oops.”

 

He chuckled and kissed my shoulder. Then, he kissed my cheek. “It’s okay.”

 

Blushing, I turned so I was facing him. “I’m just not used to sleeping next to such a pretty guy.” I smiled as I stroked his cheek, down to his neck, and then his shoulder.

 

That was when I noticed he was shirtless. I had never seen him shirtless before. It was far more intimate than it should have been. My eyes trailed down his body and well… I was, for lack of a better word, shook.

 

“Since when do you have abs?” I blurted out, feeling all sorts of things.

 

“Um…” Ethan laughed nervously. “Since… always? I think?”

 

I glanced up at him, noticing how red his cheeks had gotten. A smirk etched on my face and I trailed my hand down his body.

 

“You’re so hot,” I said in a sultry tone, my fingers touching the waistband of his sweatpants. “You know that?”

 

Ethan didn’t say anything at first. I leaned in closer to him, trailing my fingers from his stomach around to his back.

 

“A-Am I?” he finally spoke, his voice soft and timid.

 

Oh my god, it was so endearing.

 

“Mhm,” I replied as I leaned in to kiss the crook of his neck. I felt him take in a deep breath, so I kept going.

 

I kissed up and down his neck as I felt up his body. Ethan's breathing got deeper and quicker the more I kissed around his skin. He tightened his grip on my waist, and then trailed his hands to my butt. Just from our bodies pressing together, I knew he was very eager and excited. I wondered if this was what he wanted to happen before I inevitably fell asleep on him.

 

“Get on your back, cariño,” I told him, gently pushing on his shoulder.

 

He quickly obliged, moving the blanket back to let me climb over him. His cheeks and chest were flushed, and it was adorable but also insanely sexy.

 

I sat on his thighs, just an inch away from the obvious tent in his pants. But I didn't want to go there just yet. I pushed my hair back and put it up in a ponytail, knowing it was going to get in the way. After tightening it in place, I took Ethan's hand. For some reason, the lust overpowered the nerves bundled in my stomach, so I felt unusually confident as I looked him directly in the eyes and gently sucked on the tip of his middle finger. It was quick and fleeting, just enough to make his breath hitch. Then I repeated with two fingers, watching his reaction.

 

His chest was moving up and down in a rapid pace, and his mouth was half open. He swallowed and then shut his eyes for a second, almost like he was trying to come back to himself. So I stepped it up a notch.

 

My free hand went to his hip, feeling down his thigh, purposely avoiding his crotch. I noticed his neck tense up as he tilted his head back, so I slid the tip of my finger into his waistband, pulled back, and then let it snap back into place.

 

“Fuck,” he groaned through gritted teeth. “God…”

 

It was such a thrill, seeing him so hot and bothered. I wanted to bounce like a bunny because I was so excited that I was making him feel like this. I sucked on his thumb next, taking it down to the knuckle and quickly back up.

 

“That…” he breathed out. “That is… that's really, really fucking hot.”

 

“What is?” I asked as I traced my bottom lip with his index, wanting to hear him explicitly say it.

 

He sighed, still clearly flustered. “Th-That... The finger sucking… Babe, I need you. Please, I really fucking need you.”

 

Honestly, I wanted to please him as much as he wanted to receive it. I loved teasing him, but even I couldn't handle it anymore. I crawled back a little bit and touched him where he needed it most, right through his sweatpants. It was exhilarating as I pulled down the front of them and felt him up through his boxers. The things I wanted to do to him...

 

Ethan slowed his breathing for a second, and then placed his hand on my shoulder. When I looked up at him, he waved his hand for me to come to his eye level. I hovered over him, holding myself up on my elbows, only for him to quickly push me onto my back.

 

“You’re a fucking tease,” he told me as he pressed our groins together.

 

“Problem?” I said back with a grin.

 

He returned the smile, letting out a frustrated sigh through his nose as well. Then he leaned down to kiss my neck and grab my breasts. “God, you’re hot…”

 

I reached down in between us to finish what I started. I wanted to go down on him this time, but with the new position we were in, I could let it slide just this once. I listened for his faltering breath against my neck as I touched him.

 

“Babe,” he breathed out, leaning back to look at me. “Baby… let me, let me do something for you.”

 

Now I was flustered. My confidence was threatened by submission, and if he reeled me in the right way, I'd be his entirely. It was a dangerous line to cross. I mean, I was already close to crossing that line; I had my hot boyfriend on top of me, after all.

 

“I have scars, though,” I reminded him.

 

“I won't look at them,” he told me, grabbing my waistband. “Just… let me touch you.”

 

If his fingers hadn’t dipped right below the band of my pants, I would have said no. But the touch was so fleeting and delicious, it left a small, tingly trail of fire once he pulled away. It was getting more difficult to resist him.

 

“Okay,” I sighed, letting my eyes shut.

 

I was met with his lips on mine. He groaned into my mouth as I squeezed where I was touching him, and then he decided to return the favor. His hand felt around the outside of my pants, making my breath hitch. Then, he quickly went under the fabric, where he slowed his touches. He broke our kiss and looked down at me, a nervous expression on his face.

 

“I don’t really know what I’m doing,” he admitted.

 

“Me either,” I replied. “Just… tell me what feels good, and I’ll tell you.”

 

He nodded and continued wandering around in my pants. It actually didn’t take long for him find a sweet spot, and the only way I could communicate that was by gasping and arching my back. The feeling was quick to get me under his spell, and it was making me reconsider taking my clothes off. I tried to give as much as I was receiving by sliding my hand down the front of his pants as well. Ethan responded by quickly breathing in and out, and then he leaned down to bury his face in my neck.

 

It felt good because he was the one giving it to me. Ethan was making me feel good and comfortable and safe. He kissed my cheek and my jaw, careful not to get too carried away by the pleasure I was trying to return. He joined our free hands together, and through that, he pinned my arm above my head, which only added to the heat. It got a small moan out of me, which he seemed to like.

 

“Mmm, fuck,” he groaned through his gritted teeth. He breathed heavily against my neck, while his hand worked overtime in my pants.

 

“Slow down,” I warned, squirming slightly. “Gentle…”

 

“Sorry…”

 

He let go of my arm and dramatically slowed his movements. He did seem lost in his own feelings, though. “God… fuck, I’m almost there…”

 

That’s when I stopped. “Get on your back.”

 

“W-What?” he asked.

 

“Get on your back, I wanna go down on you,” I said quickly as I gently pushed on his shoulders. “Please? Come on…”

 

“Well, I won’t say no to that,” he replied as he rolled over.

 

Now even more excited, I climbed over his legs and tightened my ponytail a bit more. I stroked him a couple more times before leaning down and taking him into my mouth. My hand went up and landed on his chest, and I could feel his heart racing. He tightly held my shoulder, his moans filling up the room… and then he filled up my mouth.

 

Did I swallow like a champ? Of fucking course I did… after some hesitation.

 

I sat up, scrunching my face up and keeping my jaw clenched shut. I turned my head slightly and took one large gulp, passing the substance. Then I sighed and looked back down at Ethan, who was still coming down from his high. He held my hand as he tried to catch his breath and then he returned my gaze.

 

“Did you… you swallowed?” he asked, sounding surprised.

 

“Is that weird?” I asked in return. I crawled off of him to reach for the bottle of water on the table, remaining on all fours.

 

“No, it’s, uh, it was kinda hot…” Ethan said sheepishly as he sat back up.

 

I blushed as I down the last half of the bottle. Then I threw the empty plastic to the floor and straddled Ethan again, kissing him heatedly. He grabbed my butt and pulled me in as close as he could, but then broke the kiss.

 

“Let me…” He trailed off, dipping his hand into my waistband again. “Come on…”

 

I couldn’t help the audible sigh I released as he hit the right place. My fingers curled into his shoulders and my hips moved with his fingers. “Mm, don’t stop…”

 

“Now why would I do that?” he replied in a voice that made me melt. “You like that?” He kissed right under my jaw, trailing down my neck.

 

“Yes…” I whispered out, my thighs clenching as I reached the end. Then, I called out his name as I tilted my head back and ran my nails down his chest. His fingers worked quickly to make it feel that much better, and… god, it did.

 

When it was too much, I grabbed his arm, and he got the hint. I rested my head on his shoulder and just sank into the afterglow. One intimate moment was a huge thing for me, but a second? Things really were changing, and I was glad it was happening with Ethan. We sat there in a nice, comfortable silence, just holding each other. I hadn’t felt this kind of closeness in a while, and it didn’t feel scary.

 

The sound of a phone ringing snapped us back into reality. That’s when I remembered where we were, and that we were on a time limit.

 

~

 

We ended up running a little late to Jack’s panel. I managed to pull off a no foundation look and keep my hair in a high ponytail, fixing some strays along the way. We were practically rushed down to the convention center, where we were even more rushed to the show room where the panel was taking place. Thankfully, it hadn’t started yet, so Ethan and I were relieved once we were seated.

 

“Where were you guys?” asked Ethan’s friend, Brian, who I had met the day prior. “I was calling you, idiot!” He smacked his friend’s arm.

 

“I was asleep,” Ethan replied.

 

“I took forever to get ready,” I said over him.

 

“Both!” Ethan quickly added.

 

Someone in the row in front of us laughed. It was Mark, who had turned around. Once he did, so did the people next to him, which were Amy, Kathryn, and Tyler. Mark smirked and put up air quotes. “Yeah. ‘Getting ready.’”

 

 _“¡Ayy cochino!”_ I said as I playfully slapped his hands away and tried not be embarrassed.

 

Maybe it was the lingering euphoria, but I felt unusually calm sitting in the middle of a row, near the front of the stage. I was able to brush off Mark’s comment and avoid getting flustered and blushy. Maybe it was because it was Jack I was going to see on stage. I also had my boyfriend on my left, and my friends directly in front of me. Jack’s ex-girlfriend was on my right. It was like-

 

Wait.

 

My head immediately turned to the girl sitting next to me. I didn’t mean to make a sudden move, but I was surprised, not only at the person, but the fact that she was wearing the exact same black sweater as me. Despite that, I was a little salty that she was here.

 

She looked back at me, just as surprised. We’ve heard of each other, we had just never met. Honestly, I didn’t think I would meet her like this, when she was blacklisted in my mind.

 

“Hey Signe!” Ethan happily greeted, and we both jumped.

 

“Hi!” she replied, quickly composing herself.

 

That caused Mark, Amy, Kathryn, and Tyler to turn around. They were all happy to see her. She was happy to see them. Or they were all polite and collectively ignoring the elephant in the room. I mean, this group did have a tendency to welcome ex-girlfriends.

 

“You’re Bella, right?” Signe asked after that wave of greetings. “Sean’s roommate?”

 

I nodded and pressed on my own fake smile. “Yeah. Um, I didn’t think I’d see you here.”

 

“I know, it seems… awkward,” she said in a tone that matched her words. “But I wanted to see him… and maybe talk to him later.”

 

To break his heart again? To have the same conversation and hurt him again?

 

“Oh, cool.”

 

Signe looked at me, hesitating. “You don’t like me.” It wasn’t a question.

 

Still, I was taken aback by that statement. I chuckled nervously. “Um, no. I mean… I don’t know you really, I’m just…”

 

“She’s great with people,” Ethan sarcastically added as he patted my hand.

 

I sighed. “Thanks, babe.”

 

Thankfully, the lights went down, indicating the start of the panel.

 

~

 

“I can’t believe you never told me!” I snapped once we were all taken out of the room following the panel. I was so utterly betrayed.

 

“I thought you knew!” Ethan replied in defense. “Babe, listen-” He tried taking my hand, but I quickly pulled it away.

 

“No! Do you know what this means?” I asked seriously.

 

He slowed his steps through the narrow hall. “Baby. Don’t do this. Come on, please. Let’s go back to our room, and-”

 

“I can’t go back to the room with you!”

 

“Where are you gonna go, then? With Sean? He can’t help you with this, he’s on my side this time!” Ethan shot back, folding his arms. “You know what? Don’t come back to the room! I was willing to talk this out, but if you’re acting this way-”

 

“You guys are _way_ too passionate about pizza,” pointed out Signe, who was walking with us.

 

“I don’t like pineapple!” I justified.

 

“Oh, why don’t you just rip my heart out?” Ethan said to me.

 

We were escorted to a secluded corridor by enforcers, which eventually led us backstage where we met up with Jack. Or as I like to call him, the other traiter. I would have let him have it, had he not noticed that his ex was among his group of friends. We all kind of knew to leave them alone, so we did just that, and let the enforcers take us somewhere else.

 

“Do you think-” Ethan was about to say.

 

“Wait,” I cut him off as we walked away.

 

“They’re gonna-”

 

“Shh!”

 

I waited until we were all out the exit and near the main floor. I had been holding his hand until now, and I quickly pulled it back to my side as I heard people yell. “I know it’s none of my business, but I don’t like her that much.”

 

“How come?” Ethan asked, surprised at my words and probably my gesture.

 

“She hurt him.” I shrugged. “Like, she really, really hurt him. She made him fly back to Ireland only to confirm that they were broken up. She abandoned him.”

 

“Maybe they’ll work it out this time. He looked happy to see her.”

 

I would have said more, but then we were joined once again by Brian and his girlfriend, Morgan. They were surprisingly easy to talk to, I hadn't felt completely overwhelmed by them just yet.

 

“Okay, be honest,” Brian said to me, “How much is he paying you to hang out with him?”

 

“Well, I don't mean to brag,” I replied, “but… four dollars and pudding cup. Like, I don't wanna say I got it made, but…”

 

Brian looked at Ethan, betrayed. “She gets a pudding cup and I don't?”

 

It went on like that. It was fun.

 

We didn't get back to the hotel until nighttime. Once I was alone with Ethan, I was exhausted. It was a fun day, but I could only handle so much interaction. Not only that, Ethan and Brian were approached by fans more often than not, and while most didn't bat an eye at me, I was sure they would speculate online. So that was another thing to worry about. We had never really talked about when we would publicly show our relationship.

 

“Hey, so are you coming to my signing tomorrow?” Ethan asked me. Even more things to worry about.

 

I plopped face down onto the bed and sighed. “Do you want me to go?”

 

“Well, yeah,” he said as he lied down next to me. “But if it's too stressful for you, then you don't have to stay obviously. But I do want you there.”

 

Everything is already stressful. I'm not dead, but I'm stressed. I wanted to go home already.

 

“What about your followers?” I asked. “What’ll they think?”

 

“I'm sure they figured it out already,” he told me. “I already saw some stuff on Twitter. It's mostly positive.”

 

I scoffed, grumpy. “I literally do not believe you, but I'm too tired to see for myself.”

 

“Well, it's true. Some things can turn out positive, believe it or not.” He got up and went to the bathroom.

 

What was that supposed to mean? How could people not hate me? I went from Mark to Ethan in less than a year, and I knew how shady that looked! Mark had never seen the dark parts of his community until I came into the picture. It could be the same with Ethan's. It had to be the same.

 

I would have brought it up when he got out of the bathroom but then there was a knock on the door. That sound alone gave me enough energy to get up, grab my skincare products and hide in the bathroom.

 

~

 

The next day was Mark’s panel with Tyler, Ethan, Bob, and Wade. In other words, there was no time for fun things under the sheets this time, so I couldn’t find it in me to relax or not think of my empty apartment in Los Angeles. I couldn’t really think rationally either, and that probably had to do with the fact that Ethan had to leave beforehand.

 

“Will you be okay?” he asked while I was getting ready.

 

“Yeah.” I’ve learned nothing. “Jack is gonna come find me and…” I trailed off as I filled in my eyebrows with a brush.

 

“And we’ll never know,” Ethan joked with a small laugh.

 

I looked at him through the reflection in the mirror. He looked so cute and happy in his dark red pants and navy shirt. He even had his glasses on and everything. I double checked to make sure my brows were okay before standing up to face him.

 

“Good luck,” I told him with a smile. “I’m proud of you, and you look adorable.”

 

“Oh, stop!” he replied as he dramatically waved it off. “I’ll see you in the audience?”

 

“I’ll be the pink dot sitting by the green dot.”

 

Ethan smiled before quickly kissing me goodbye. As soon as he was out the door I dropped my fake happy expression. I wanted to support him, despite that it took all of my energy. I was starting to remember why I always avoided big events like this. Only a couple more days.

 

By the time I finished doing my makeup, Jack had come by my room. He was alone, but he looked perkier than usual. He looked happy. I envied him.

 

“I’m almost ready,” I told him, my brain feeling like static.

 

“Can we talk for a second?” he requested before adding, “it’s about me and Signe.”

 

“Okay.”

 

We sat on the foot of the bed. I had a feeling I already knew what he was going to say, but I had to hear it to be sure.

 

“We got back together last night.” As expected.

 

I nodded lightly.

 

“You think I made the wrong choice,” Jack assumed.

 

Come on, Baller. Use your words.

 

“No,” I said. “Well - I’m sorry, I’m just… really tired and… drained. It’s not you, sorry.”

 

“So you’re cool with it? That we’re back together?” he asked hopefully.

 

That’s when I hesitated. “Let me put it this way: what if I got back with my ex-boyfriend after everything he put me through? After you saw how I acted and what I did because of him. What would you think of that?”

 

Jack considered my words and then nodded understandingly. “Okay, I get it.”

 

“But still,” I continued. “It’s your life, and I want you to be happy, and if she still makes you happy, despite everything, then… I’ll welcome her with my open, anxious arms.”

 

He chuckled. “Okay. Thanks, Bellers. And, just so you know, I was angry at Mark for a while after what he did to you. It takes time for all of that to pass, so I understand if you don’t warm up to Signe right away.”

 

“I’ll be nice to her, don’t worry.”

 

“That’s all I ask.”

 

~

 

Mark’s panel was as extra as you could expect. He made the audience scream and wave for the first three minutes. Claimed the room wasn’t big enough for his ego. Then he introduced each of his friends in an equally extra manner.

 

“The one and only… Tyler! The undying smile! Stand please!”

 

“Ethan…” (“Is that my introduction?” He pulled a dab.) “The crankiest boy in the West… and the East! Watch as he… introduces himself…” (“Hey… it’s me!”)

 

“Me. Mark. The unbelievable. Mark. The girthy. Shout big words at me!” (The audience booed, myself included.)

 

“Bob! Who needs no introduction!”

 

“Tears come to my eyes when I think of this man. The man who has done so much amazing things in my life, and your guys’s…” (Ethan: “Dude are you crying?”) “Shut up. This man who, not only motivated me when I was in the early stages of my channel… Wade!” (“What’s the catch?” He went to hug Mark.)

 

Then, the show started. Each guy expressed their opening statements. Ethan did a backflip. Then, Mark announced a tour. The five of them. On the road. Four shows in June. Many cities in the fall. Why was it daunting and intimidating? Because Mark started talking about each member of the team individually.

 

“Bob and Wade have been my friends for a long time, Tyler has been with me since the beginning, Ethan-”

 

“I mean nothing to you,” he said with a laugh.

 

“Let me get to it!” Mark replied after some banter. “So, Ethan is a newcomer to the team but he’s been indispensable in everything we’ve been doing. ‘A Date with Markiplier’ wouldn’t have happened without him, or without Tyler. Or without anybody on the team.” He pointed to a section of the audience. “Amy and Kathryn, you guys are unbelievable. Amy, is my inspiration in everything that I do.”

 

The audience lost it at that moment. But Mark quickly got their attention again.

 

“And! I lied, Ethan isn’t the newcomer anymore! Bella, our dear friend Bella, she’s part of the team now and she’s going to be helping us with a lot of cool stuff!”

 

Once again, the audience lost it. Oh no, attention. Jack nudged my side, and I blushed and kept a stiff smile on my face. I kept my eyes firmly on the guys on stage. Luckily, Mark was able to diffuse that uproar and bring the attention back to the tour.

 

The guys played some improv games and then talked more about the show without giving away anything major. Then they answered some Twitter questions. It was generally very good and fun, I was able to forget about being put on the spot for the duration of the panel.

 

One question was the deep and inevitable, “What would you tell your younger self?” All the guys had deep, emotional answers but for some reason, Mark admitting that he was very happy where he is now got me. For a minute, that douchebag persona went away and he genuinely said he was happy. It was actually nice to hear. Also, Tyler said to focus on the small bits of joy instead of everything that was going wrong, and I did not need to hear that at all… but I did.

 

Finally, Mark fucking cried. It was understandable, though. He got so deep and into the moment that it made some tears arise. It made me think back to our early days at YTU, when he would tell me about everything he wanted to do. His mind was all over the place, and his heart was, or still is, in a good place. He wanted to make change, he wanted to do good things.

 

He changed mine. I wouldn’t be here, alive or dead, if he wasn’t so determined to talk to me back in 2014.

 

~

 

After the panel ended, Jack, Signe, Amy, Kathryn, and I were escorted backstage where we met up with the guys. Then, we all ventured out back to the hotel. For some fucking reason, we decided to walk. Outside. Where it was snowing. I was brutally reminded that I was in fact a desert rat. I held Ethan’s hand like it was a lifeline until we made it back to the hotel.

 

That was when I slowly started to lose it again. I felt exhausted, but my heart and brain were working overtime. I tried to distract myself by looking on my phone when we were in the elevator, only to find a stalker photo of my and my boyfriend on Tumblr. It was taken from behind, our colorful hair sticking out like sore thumbs. We were holding hands, or I was hugging Ethan’s arm and standing awfully close to him while we were surrounded by people. I honestly didn’t remember where in the convention center we were when that was taken, but it made me feel awfully weird. It wasn’t a little secret anymore.

 

“Now they know for sure,” Ethan said when I showed him. “That means you can go to my signing!”

 

If I don’t die first.

 

“Ooh, that’s gonna be fun,” Amy spoke up from behind us. “Everyone is generally really nice, don’t worry.”

 

I nodded, despite that I wanted to drown myself in the mini bar in our hotel room. That was a bad sign, right? I felt the need to sedate myself somehow. That’s bad.

 

Thankfully, I was able to get in some resting time. Ethan was super persistent on getting me to stick with him all day, and if I was going to do that, I had to keep to myself for a bit. I had to be a good girlfriend, but I couldn’t do it while I was on edge.

 

The mini bar was awfully tempting though. It was on top of the mini fridge, which was right next to the desk where I had my makeup laid out. However, Ethan was sat behind me on the bed. Maybe I could just wait until he went to the bathroom or something.

 

“Are you putting makeup on top of your makeup?” he asked at one point.

 

“Just on my eyes,” I replied, sounding distant for a multitude of reasons. “Maybe I’ll go nuts and put on false eyelashes.” Or I’ll go nuts in general. Whichever happens first.

 

At least I had new products to try out. Three hundred dollars’ worth of items. My soft, neutral look from this morning was quickly turned into a glittery cut crease. I was blown away by this liquid eyeshadow, I had to stop myself from reacting the way I did in my videos: an excited squeal and dropping a thousand f-bombs. Oh, and I did add false lashes. I got carried away in the name of distractions. When I finished the look, I turned to Ethan.

 

“Too much?” I asked.

 

“Huh?”

 

I waved around my face. “Do I look okay? Too much glitter? Too much glow?”

 

Ethan scooted up so he was at the foot of the bed and directly in front of me. He put on a mock thoughtful face and stroked his chin.

 

“Hmm, turn your head,” he told me, and I obliged. “Yes, very shiny. Very… contour-y. You sacrificed many babies to look this pretty, I can tell.”

 

I breathed out a laugh and looked him in the eyes again.

 

“Shiny nose,” he mumbled.

 

“In an oily way or a glowy way?” I asked as I reached for my compact.

 

“Glowing,” he quickly replied, grabbing my hand to stop me. “It’s adorable! Ya look gore-gus!”

 

“Aw, thanks boo!” I said, waving it off. “Now, come here. I have to do a kiss test.”

 

That caught him by surprise. “Kiss test?”

 

I pointed to my mouth. “New liquid lipstick. I need to see if it transfers, and it’s boring to kiss the back of my hand.”

 

He chuckled. “Okay, then.”

 

We moved closer to each other, I placed a hand on his shoulder, and I kissed him right on the mouth. Yes, this was a ploy to make out with him, but it was also for research! I had to keep it short, though. Too much kissing would obviously make the color transfer. I pulled back and quickly ran my thumb over his lips, doing a quick inspection.

 

“Alright, cool,” I concluded as I turned back towards the mirror.

 

“That’s it?” Ethan asked.

 

“Yup! Thank you, _chulo!”_

 

“Tease!”


	15. Chapter 15

“I am… so glad to be apart of the team,” I said in a stiff voice, a fake smile plastered on my face. I was facing the camera, but not looking directly into it. “I am honored to be… to be - I can’t read the card,” I added in a soft voice.

 

This was my “introduction” video to go on Mark’s channel. I was sitting in front of the camera that Ethan was holding, and I had to pretend like I was forced to read cue cards. But there weren’t any, and I had to improvise.

 

“I-I’m honored that Mark asked me to join,” I continued in that stiff, staged voice. “And-”

 

“No, no, no,” spoke the devil himself. “You begged me to join.”

 

“Right. I asked like, twelve times and they finally let me in!” I smiled in a way that screamed for help. You could say I was acting. “And I am… excited for all of you to see what I can contribute.” Awkwardly, I gave a thumbs up, my smile looking less and less convincing.

 

Then, Mark came and sat next to me. “Okay, okay. Honestly, though, Bella is one of us now, and I asked her to join. We’ve got some good stuff coming in the future. Also, we’re stranded in Boston!” He went on another tangent that was completely extra before finishing the video.

 

It was true, though. After PAX, our flight back to LA had been cancelled due to the blizzard. I wasn’t sure what was worse, being forced to be away from my home or the impending doom of having to get back on a plane. While I was able to function somewhat properly after a crying fit, I found myself wearing thin. I know, what else is new? That feeling was probably going to stick for a while, but I guess it’s apart of recovery.

 

We stayed at Amy’s friend’s house for the time being. At the moment, it was uncertain how long we would be here in Boston. Three days, possibly. I tried not to let that get to me. These things happen. They happen to everyone… except Signe, who got on her flight back to Denmark just before the blizzard hit. Jack would have gone with her, but it was still the middle of the semester. He did mention that they would be okay while he was still at uni, though.

 

Speaking of YouTube University, I wasn’t sure what my future was with that school. I mean, I was going to be on the road in a few months, on tour. I was going to have a hand in creating the show. I was going with them. It was safe to say none of us were returning to YouTube University in the fall. It felt weird to have future plans.

 

Since we had nothing else to do, we made a movie trailer. Mark, being Mark, got naked and sat outside in the snow. After all this time, I still didn't know what went on in his head sometimes, but you had to admit he was dedicated. It was fun, though. I got to contribute ideas… and hold the camera for most of the shots.

 

I also decided to properly look through my social media later at night. We all had to sleep in the living room of the small house, and it was the first time I had a moment of silence. I was stuck between Ethan and Amy, but they were both asleep already.

 

The same stalker photo of Ethan and I holding hands had been reposted many times. Added to that were professional photos from his signing. I was caught in the background in several of the fan photos, along with the selfies I took with some of them. The various captions are what made me smile, though.

 

_ “I met Bella at the signing!! She was so nice and she's so cute with ethan!!” _

 

_ “THEY'RE SO CUTE OH MY GOD” _

 

_ “Amyplier whomst? I only know ethella!” _

 

_ “My new parents” _

 

_ “I hope Ethan and Bella know we love and support them a whole lot :’)” _

 

It was like a breath of fresh air. I was tempted to post that stalker picture on Instagram with the blue and sparkly heart emojis, but it was probably too soon for that. I knew some of my followers came from Ethan's community, yet I wasn't expecting them to be nice and supportive. It was a different reaction from my last relationship, that's for damn sure.

 

I let out an audible sigh, glancing at Ethan, who had already fallen asleep. I was still experiencing insomnia from being so far from home, so I sat up and tried to find more ways to keep myself busy.

 

“Can't sleep?” asked a quiet, deep voice.

 

I turned, finding Mark sitting on the couch. Last time I saw him, he was lying down next to his girlfriend.

 

“I won't sleep until we get home,” I replied as I locked my phone and shoved it under my pillow.

 

He nodded. “I still can't believe you actually came here. You got on a plane.”

 

“Yeah, and I had to resort to drinking in order to do it,” I told him as I crawled up onto the couch and sat next to him.

 

“You still did it, though,” he said. “You didn't back out of it. You accomplished a lot this weekend. You should be proud.”

 

I shrugged. “I guess I can't disagree.”

 

A silence fell over us, but it was comfortable. I had been alone with Mark plenty of times in my life. I hadn’t been alone with him in a room in a very long time, despite the fact that we had been around each other a lot lately. Well, even now we weren't exactly alone, but we were the only ones awake. Any other time, I would have gone to extreme lengths to avoid seeing him at all. But given the last couple of months or so, I was finding it easier to coexist with him. Here we were, sitting in the dark, with the other five asleep soundly around us. We knew this moment was inevitable, and while it was awkward, it was kind of liberating. As always, I wasn’t the one to start the conversation.

 

“Are you happy with him?” he asked quietly.

 

Moment of truth. Everything was already out in the open. Everyone knew about my suicide attempt, everyone knew about Mark’s plan to leave me before Amy came along, and everyone knew about me and Ethan. All that was left to do was tie up the loose ends.

 

“Are you happy with her?” I asked in response. It was bold of me to say that, and Mark knew it too.

 

He cracked a smile. “I asked you first.”

 

“Honestly? Yes,” I answered. “Actually, I think… I think this is the happiest I’ve ever been.”

 

Mark smiled wider. “That’s really good to hear. I’ve wanted to hear that since… I don’t know how long. You deserve to be happy.”

 

I couldn’t believe I was still fond of him after all this time. My heart swelled up at his words, but I didn’t want to dwell on myself for too long. “So what about you?”

 

“I’m absolutely the happiest I’ve ever been,” he said. “Not just with Amy - and she does make me very happy - it’s everything I’m doing. I finally feel like I’m doing something good, I don’t even have the words for it.”

 

“Good.” I was smiling so wide, it was hard to hide it.

 

“Do you still hate Amy?” It sounded lighthearted, but I took it seriously.

 

“I never hated her. All the anger and resentment was directed at you, no offense. I mean, it was hard. I won’t lie, that was the most devastating breakup I’ve ever had. And, I think there’s always going to be a part of me that will see her as the girl you left me for. But, for the most part, I’m over it, and I’m glad you two are happy.”

 

Mark nodded, sitting back against the sofa. “Fair enough…” Then he sighed and brought his knees up to hug them. “I just… I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for leaving you like that, and for driving you to that point.”

 

I reached over and placed my hand over his. “Hey. You didn’t know I was going to do that. No one saw that coming. You did what you had to do in order to be happy. What I did, that’s all on me. And look at me, I’m still here and I’m happy, and I’m telling you to move on from that. There’s bigger things going on now. It’s okay.”

 

“Bella, if I had lost you…”

 

“But you didn’t. You can’t put the whole blame on yourself. It’s just something that happened. I had it coming, anyway. With or without you. But it's in the past now.”

 

He nodded. “I know. I’m glad you’re still here. I’m glad that we can still be friends.”

 

That brought another thought to mind. “I think… I believe that people come and go into our lives for a reason. I think we’re meant to be in each other’s lives, whether we’re lovers, exes, or friends. And if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have met Jack, and then I wouldn’t have found Ethan. I wouldn’t be here talking to you now, and realizing just how important you are to me. You've brought good things into my life.”

 

Mark was smiling, and he squeezed my hand.

 

“And I think you were meant to find Amy,” I continued. “Whether I was mentally stable or not, she was meant to come along. I know plenty of things have contributed to your happiness now, but I know she’s done way more for you than I ever could have.”

 

“That’s what I think about you and Ethan,” Mark told me. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile this much. He's got you getting on planes and going to signings and panels… It's incredible.”

 

“I made those decisions, not him,” I reminded him.

 

“Right, of course,” Mark said. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you… without anxiety, either.”

 

“Yeah… I think anxiety is always going to be apart of me. And… I think I’m trying to be okay with it. Like, a bunch of shit happened and the effects of all of that is my anxiety disorder. But I’m trying not to hate it as much, because I’m stuck with it for life.”

 

“So you might as well work with it,” he finished for me. “That’s good. You know I’ll be here to support you through all of that, right? Despite everything that’s happened between us, I still care about you so much.”

 

“I care about you too.”

 

“And you’re actually happy with Ethan?”

 

“Yes. I don’t even have the words for it.”

 

I looked over at the guy sleeping beside me. All of these emotions surged in my chest. Here I was, in good terms with my ex, and having a happy relationship with my new boyfriend. My anxiety was at an all time low, something I never thought I would feel. I had people I could call my family.

 

We heard Tyler groan in his sleep, mumbling something about keeping it down. Mark and I smiled at each other, and we knew there was nothing left to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that was the end of that series. Story of Another Us, Stone Cold, and You Look Happier hold a special place in my heart, and I had so much fun writing these. Now it’s time for some thank you’s!
> 
> People who liked every chapter (on here and Tumblr), I saw you. It means a lot. It shows me that you read my stuff and you actually enjoyed it. It could also mean you’re very casual with your likes and you just hit like on every post you see, but I like to think the former.
> 
> People who comment on the chapters on here mean the fucking world to me. I loved hearing from people, telling me they would think about my work during the day and stuff. It’s like… the best feeling. I love every person who sent me a message on anon, even if it was a friend of mine pretending to actually read my fic. I appreciate the validation.
> 
> Shoutout to all the artists I listened to during the making of these series. The titles of all three fics are actual songs (thought I’m sure yall knew that already) and they capture exactly what each fic was about. Those were some of my biggest motivators. Like Bella, music really inspires me and words out the things I can’t say.
> 
> If I hadn’t started watching Mark’s or Jack’s videos last year, none of this would be here. I wouldn’t have made something I actually love and I wouldn’t have made my bitch ass protagonist. I wouldn’t have been able to cope with my own noisy brain without Mark, Jack, and later on, Ethan. Okay, but for real, if I hadn’t started watching Ethan’s videos, I never would have found a better match for Bella. (I mean, it could have been Jack, but I didn’t wanna give in to that trope.) They don’t know me and they wouldn’t care, but I have to acknowledge them.
> 
> (Tumblr Thanks)  
> We started talking more towards the end of this series, but @bow-chika-wowie gave me some decent input on You Look Happier, and they even made Sims of Ethan and Bella. Dude. Best. Thing. Ever.
> 
> And finally, a giant shoutout to @themarkiplierexperience, who actually gave me some amazing ideas and hc’s for this fic. Honestly, I don’t think You Look Happier would be what it is without her. *aaawww* Fun facts: that lil hula girl Ethan gives Bella in chapter 10? Her idea. That argument Mark and Bella have about ADWM/the egos that’s also in chapter 10? All her. The latter is actually how we started talking. I still have screenshots that I saved for future reference. She gave me a lot of input and feedback with every chapter I posted, and it just made me wanna write more. Thanks bro, you don’t suck.
> 
> SIDENOTE: I’m 99% sure I won’t be writing another full length, multichapter fic, but I will continue to write things that take place in that universe. Stay tuned, I’ve got some stuff coming )and one of those things may or may not another fic writer and a British guy.)(keep an eye on my blog, sweetnestor)(also here on ao3, stay tuned for,,,,,, something else that may or may not involved that same British guy)
> 
> If yall have any questions, comments, or your own hc’s based on these fics, then PLEASE share them! I seriously love hearing all these things. It’s literally how I’ve made friends on here.
> 
> Thankies!!


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